Oh God, don't you just hate football? Isn't football so dumb? Doesn't anybody read fiction anymore? Everyone gets so excited over ... sports. (Did you just puke a little?) Here are the best things on during the Super Bowl that aren't the Super Bowl, which you hate.
50. FOX News Sunday With Chris Wallace (FNC)
49. True Life: I Want a Perfect Body 2 (MTV2)
48. New Adventures of Old Christine (WGNAMER)
47. My Fair Wedding With David Tutera (WE)
46. Alaska State Troopers: Gun N Hide (NGC)
45. Toddlers & Tiaras: Lollipops and Gumdrops Pageant (TLC)
Football-haters tip: Two seconds before the opening kickoff, call your Dad.
44. Metal Evolution: Nu Metal (VH1)
43. Spy Kids 3-D: Game Over (TOON)
42. Teen Mom 2: Breaking Point (MTV)
41. Hot & Spicy Paradise (TRAV)
40. 100 Hollywood Crimes: Part 4 (TVGN)
Football-haters tip: During the first quarter, tweet, "Reading a book in the park! Lovely! #notwatchingfootball #betterthanyou #locavore"
39. Gnomeo and Juliet (STARZ)
38. Murder, She Wrote (TVLAND)
37. Auction Hunters: Reel Money (SPIKETV)
36. The King's Speech (SHOW)
35. Bull Riding (CBSSN)
Football-haters tip: If someone asks you if you're going to watch the Puppy Bowl, tell them you're very sorry but you don't want to watch puppies get murdered at the bowling alley, thank you very much.
34. Puppy Bowl VIII (APL)
33. Bring It On: All or Nothing (ABCF)
32. The Prince of Tides (ANTENNA)
31. I Survived (BIO)
30. The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills: Reunion Part 1 (BRAVO)
Football-haters tip: Two hours before kickoff, go to Whole Foods and ask the clerk with the most tattoos, "Jesus, when did the circus let out, am I right?" Repeat at Trader Joe's.
29. Fútbol de la Liga Mexicana (UNI)
28. Joe Dirt (COMEDY)
27. Newsmakers (CSPAN)
26. High School Musical 2 (DISN)
25. Babe (HUB)
Football-haters tip: Take a long walk down a quiet, sunny street, find an isolated car, and steal it. (Illegal.)
24. Sex and the City (E!)
23. Kick Buttowski: Suburban Daredevil (DXD)
22. Resident Evil: Afterlife (ENCORE)
21. The Supersizers (COOK)
20. Cupcake Wars (FOOD)
Football-haters tip: Tweet, "Is there a football game on? #funny #hereallweek #noseriouslyisthere? #gotyou!"
19. Cheaters (G4)
18. Game of Thrones (HBO2)
17. Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps (MAX)
16. House Hunters International (HGTV)
15. SpongeBob SquarePants (NIK)
Football-haters tip: If someone asks you if you're going to watch the half-time show, tell them you're very sorry but you think marching bands are a royal pain in the ass.
14. Wall Street Journal Report With Maria Bartiromo (CNBC)
13. Opry Live (GAC)
12. Marmaduke (HBOF)
11. Nora Roberts' High Noon (LIFE)
10. 3 FREE Bras!: Paid Programming (CNBC)
Football-haters tip: Go into a bookstore and ask for any poetry that will let you hate football more.
9. Pawn Stars: Chopper Gamble (HISTORY)
8. Teen Mom 2: Breaking Point (MTV)
7. Lizard Lick Towing (TRUTV)
6. Alvin and the Chipmunks (FMC)
5. Confesiones de Novela (TELE)
Football-haters tip: Go to a café and tell the clerk you need strong black coffee because some assholes got football all over you. Then nod and laugh. Keeping laughing. Don't give up! Now you may ask for her number again.
4. How It's Made: Razors, Pudding, Steering Wheels, Inorganic Pigments (SCIENCE)
3. The Road (TMC)
2. 600 Pound Mom: Strange Sex (TLC)
1. Dumbest Stuff on Wheels: Speedway Spoilers, Roadway Riots & Backyard Bozos
Football-haters tip: Tweet, "That was the BEST commercial EVER!! #coolranchbaby #doritosrule #iamatotalidiot"
Michael Leaverton reviews terrible cooking shows for SF Weekly. Read them here.
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