The best part of this SF Weekly gig is all the
professional nourishment free stuff. Just this morning my editor left me a copy of Sex Tips for Girls by Guys to review. Should a newly single, economically challenged writer with virtually no dating prospects be reviewing a sex book? Probably not, but it's the Internet, so here goes.
Sex Tips is cute and pink -- aside from a mysterious smudge -- and chock full of good, bad, and downright weird advice for the lady who wants to please her man. By page 200 I've learned that guys prefer quickies, slowies, sex with the girl on top, the guy on top, sideways, standing, sitting, in the kitchen, in the bathroom, outdoors, at work, blindfolded, and blindfolded at work. Basically, we like it anywhere and everywhere, and it's even better when you are into it.
So ladies, if you're interested in pleasing that guy you just met, or that guy you just married, you might want to try some of these. Or not.
1. Sexy Gloves: "Stroke, caress, and squeeze us with soft, bare hands -- or wear sexy gloves for a different touch."
This could be a good idea, or it could make us feel like we're a bathtub getting bleached. It's all in the gloves, so choose carefully.
2. F-spotting: "When giving a hand job, apply some thumb pressure to the F-spot as your hand glides up and down."
Apparently, the F-spot is on the bottom side, where the foreskin joins the penis. Finding my own F-spot without leaving the cubicle was difficult.
3. Happy Endings: "We sometimes like a hand job to go all the way..."
Are there really women out there who don't know this? If you've made it into hand job territory and there is no happy ending planned, you are gonna have one grumpy boyfriend. We're flexible about when, how, and where, but if the train leaves the station, it's gotta roll to the end.
4. Blow Jobs: "The first rule of blow jobs is no teeth."
This is the best, and only, blow job advice you will ever need. It's probably the only sex advice you will ever really need (yah, yah, contraception, safety, blah blah blah). A well-placed blow job can steal a man's heart, destroy a good marriage, or bring down an empire. But watch those teeth!
5. Make Noise: "We love your moans, sighs, mmmms, and ahhhhhhs."
Definitely true. There's nothing a guy likes better than feeling like an expert in the sex department. Just try not to yell so loud you wake up that goddamn yapper dog downstairs.
6. Sensual Shaving: "Next time you're sharing a bath or shower, invite him to give you a whole new hairstyle."
Please, please, please, do not bring Randy home from the bar and hand him a razor. However, bonus sex will be rewarded to any man who can pube-sculpt bunnies, zen gardens, or a Fu Manchu.
7. Threesomes: "If you want to make us crazy with pleasure, suggest some girl-on-boy-on-girl action."
Two girls is the holy grail of male fantasies, no doubt about it. If you want a guy to remember you forever, this will do the trick. But try to bring a friend that you can play with, because two women will eventually wear out one man. Guys who deny this are like those people that say they never masturbate, or claim they can hold their breath for 10 minutes.
8. It's not what you do, but how you do it. This is my own addition, and it's as true here as it is on the stage. Your average straight guy is probably down for whatever, as long as you're having a good time. So don't be shy.