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Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Dating Advice from a Zombie

Posted By on Wed, Oct 17, 2012 at 7:30 AM

click to enlarge DANIEL HOLLISTER/FLICKR

In the spirit of Halloween, we present to you life advice from a zombie, who may not have all the answers, but he's definitely got the brains.

I used to have the most beautiful girlfriend in the whole world. I feel like I have too high of a standard now with who I choose to date. I've been single for two years. What do I do?

Beauty is important in a relationship because it is what originally attracts us to each other. It can also help keep the flame lit during those rough times (all relationships have them). So physical appearance does have some importance. But honestly, all that really matters is a girl's brains.

See also:

The Walking Dead Returns: More Gore, Guts, and Glory

Dear Champ: Advice from a Fictitious Pro Wrestler

My boyfriend wants me to participate in an orgy. I'm not comfortable with this but don't know how to break the news.

What makes you uncomfortable about it? Personally, I do everything in groups. It just makes everything more fun! Going for a stroll on the town? Getting a bite to eat? Lookin' for some trouble to get into? Bring some of your friends!

So I don't see any reason why you should be uncomfortable with an orgy. What my friends and I like to do when we have one is to really focus on one person. We all surround him or her and just have at it. So don't be afraid to really get in there and show your dominance. Try a little bite, scratch, or, you know, just straight up rip out their intestines.

click to enlarge KELLBAILEY/FLICKR

I have a date with this girl I have been obsessing over for months. What should I wear?

I used to have a big walk-in closet filled with the finest suits, slacks, and watches. I dressed to impress every day. But I've left all that behind. I'm free now. Free to walk the streets in whatever tattered, blood-stained clothes I have on my back.

And you know what? Every single person I have been able to catch up to has been pretty accepting of my attire. I haven't heard any complaints about my fashion sense, mostly just my dietary choices. So I would say if this girl really likes you, she will accept you for whatever you are wearing. It's not the clothes that matter, it's whatever is inside that big ol' beating, succulent heart of yours.

I've been single for a few years now and have had a few of one-night stands. I've never been tested for STDs, but don't have any symptoms, should I get tested anyway?

First things first, have you been bitten? If so, please separate yourself from the group immediately. Please don't be that annoying person who tries to hide it. Everyone knows you are going to go all psycho down the road, spreading that shit like crazy. Super irresponsible.

click to enlarge KELLBAILEY/FLICKR

I am a strong, independent woman. Although this is the case, I would also like to have a man around for companionship. How do I approach this situation or the male species in general? 

I approach both males and females the same -- slowly, from behind. The most important part, which I'm still getting the hang of, is making sure you remain undetected until the time is right. You don't want to spook anyone!

I know, I know, you really want them. They have what you want. In my case, they have what I need. But you need to keep your craving under control and growls to a minimum until you are close enough to strike. Timing is everything. Pick a target, separate them from the pack, and bite when the time is right.

My friends spend all their time hanging out with their significant others and I'm left being lonely and not knowing what to do with my time. What should I do to get back out there?

What are you doing for dinner?

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About The Author

Matt Saincome

Matt Saincome

Bio:
Matt Saincome is SF Weekly's music editor.

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