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Tuesday, March 11, 2014

The Bachelor Finale: Adios, Juan Pablo

Posted By on Tue, Mar 11, 2014 at 10:00 AM

click to enlarge Como se dice "douchebag" en Espanol? - ABC
  • ABC
  • Como se dice "douchebag" en Espanol?

This was El Ultimo Bachelor episode, and I'm not just saying that because it was the last of the season -- this one was the shit. Even Chris Harrison had to chuckle a bit when he said that it would be the "most shocking finale ever," knowing full well that they say that every freaking time. But dang it, he was right.

The first major shocker was that Juan Pablo's family basically thinks he's an asshole. His cousin intimated to both women that Juan splits at the first sign of difficulty, which might explain why he's a single dad, and why he's been court ordered to pay back child support to the baby mama, according to the National Enquirer. His mother basically told both Clair and Nikki that he can be a rude, self-centered douchebag, two things that each woman already sort of knew in her heart of hearts. Anyone who doesn't believe in cognitive dissonance need only watch one season of the Bachelor franchise.

click to enlarge Artist's interpretation of Juan Pablo - WIKIPEDIA.ORG
  • Wikipedia.org
  • Artist's interpretation of Juan Pablo

The second major shocker came when Claire accused Juan Pablo of saying something vulgar to her when there were no cameras or mikes around. Eww. From what we can infer, he told her he really loved fucking her but that he didn't know her very well, and she didn't know him. This is on the very final last date, mind you, after all the parents have been met on both sides and he's down to two people. This left her reeling, and as Sharleen pointed out, her woman's intuition was on eleven yet she eventually gave in to Juan's B.S. explanation for his behavior. To be fair, his explanation and declaration of his feelings was pretty epic: He played her favorite song, he talked about having children with her, he chided her for withholding the besitos and making him want her even more. No wonder when he dumped her at the Final Rose Ceremony that she went off on him and told him that a man like him had to be a shitty dad. Ole!

I should mention that the entire show was being played for a studio audience, so we got their responses to all this. Like I said in previous weeks, Juan Pablo is going to go down in the annals of the Batch as the Biggest Dickhead. The audience hates him, the contestants hate him -- the only person that seems to like him is Nikki.

click to enlarge Nikki's new address in about two weeks - FLICKR
  • flickr
  • Nikki's new address in about two weeks

Oh, Nikki. Where to start with you? He still hasn't told you he loves you (because he doesn't) and he made you look like a total and complete fool in front of 12 million people as you sat up there with him on that stage making excuses for him. When she finally wakes up and smells the cafe she is going to have one hell of a story for People. Mark my words, gentle reader! I haven't been wrong yet.

Which brings me to the final surprise, which really wasn't one if you have been reading my weekly predictions: Andi is the new Bachelorette. She will be great because she really seems like she's looking for something deep with a dude and she won't be taking any crap from anyone. You know producers are going to throw in some cads just to watch her cut off their testicles.

Can't wait! See you then!

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About The Author

Katy St. Clair

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