Get SF Weekly Newsletters

Friday, March 21, 2014

Hell's Kitchen Season 12: Nineteen Idiots Compete

Posted By on Fri, Mar 21, 2014 at 9:45 AM

click to enlarge Constructive criticism - FOX
  • Fox
  • Constructive criticism

First things first: Gordon Ramsay has had some work done. We always knew he was vain -- anyone who goes from being a soccer player to a Michelin-Starred chef has to be. But some magician has taken ten years off of his deeply-lined face and brow. They did a damn good job, too. He looks nothing like Kenny Rogers.

So now we embark on a new season of Hell's Kitchen, with "the usual band of idiots," to steal a line from Mad Magazine. Gordon seems to pick contestants who are the least likely to make it on Top Chef -- they are fat, ugly, and even smoke cigarettes, something no "real" chef would ever do, right? Yet this show has managed to give equal prizes to both men and women, something that other show can't say. When in doubt, the judges on Top Chef always lean towards the XYs. Not so for Hell's Kitchen, where you might be called a Muppet or a donkey and told to "fuck off out of here" nightly, but you have an even shot at winning.

But now here's what you all have been waiting for. My mother and I bond over Gordon Ramsay and watch all of his shows. She has just weighed via email from Minnesota on this new season:

"Oh brother, those guys sure have a long way to go. JWoww and Snooki would have fit right in. Sometimes you wonder if the chefs are serious. If you and I were going to be on that show the first thing we would do would be perfecting our risotto and learning how to saute a damn scallop. Have they been watching the show? Gordon looks 10 years younger because he got rid of those deep creases he had in his face, probably Botox. I wonder if anyone has ever followed up on past winners to see how they turned out. Actually, I think the Hell's Kitchen glory days are over. That was probably not the worst first dinner service in the history of the show. As I recall, most of the diners who come to the first show of the season had better have back-up plans because they don't get dinner at HK. Not very entertaining, I'm afraid. Love, Mom."

Mom is right. The formula for this show is wearing thin, and on the first episode they got rid of the most interesting contestant, the vain-glorious Gaurav Navin, who's risotto looked like a milkshake with puke flecks.

click to enlarge Dishy Richard Mancini, meeowwrr - FOX
  • Fox
  • Dishy Richard Mancini, meeowwrr

Watching middle-aged and flabby Beth flirt with equally as fubsy Richard was golden, however. Please hook up you two.

For events in San Francisco this week and beyond, check out our calendar section. Follow us on Twitter at @ExhibitionistSF

  • Pin It

About The Author

Katy St. Clair

Comments

Subscribe to this thread:

Add a comment

Popular Stories

  1. Most Popular Stories
  2. Stories You Missed

Like us on Facebook

Slideshows

  • 24th Annual Autumn Moon Festival
    Crowds gathered September 6-7 for the 24th Annual Autumn Moon Festival in Chinatown. Visitors enjoyed arts, crafts, cultural exhibits, food and a dog fashion show. Photographs by Dhoryan Rizo.
  • Felton: Touring the Redwoods
    Blue skies meet redwood canopies in the mountain town of Felton, located just north of Santa Cruz on Highway 9. Once a bustling logging community, the town is now a mix of mellow locals and serene wilderness. Visitors can enjoy the redwoods in nearby Henry Cowell Redwoods State Park and splash in swimming holes in the San Lorenzo River. For a bite to eat stop by Rocky’s Cafe for fruit-laden pancakes, barbeque at the Cowboy Bar & Grill and poolside burgers at the Trout Farm Inn. Other stops worth checking out include Roaring Camp Railroads, the Mount Hermon zip line tour, and the educational Bigfoot Discovery Museum. For beer or cocktails a log cabin bar has you covered.