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Friday, September 9, 2011

Faux-Gras Donuts, Bunny Adoptions, Vegan Cooking Zines, and Protest the Terrible Circus!

Posted By on Fri, Sep 9, 2011 at 2:50 PM

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There are over 1,000 food-borne illness outbreaks in the United States EVERY year. At least, from 2008 forward, when the Centers for Disease Control began compiling the data. Fucking disgraceful. This is what happens when you have an "oversight" agency that's in bed with the people it's supposed to be supervising. Good job, USDA! NOT! You know what's a really good idea? Someone should write a John Grisham-style (as in "suspense," not "terrible") novel about a young and feisty newbie at the USDA who uncovers some of its screwed-up workings and tries to expose them but can't because the old boys are trying to kill her to cover up their lies! The final scene takes place in a slaughterhouse, where the animal and human carnage are virtually indistinguishable! THIS IS A BRILLIANT IDEA, and yours free with the reading of this column. You're welcome and get to work!

• The beautiful and talented Meave wrote about Oakland Animal Services' white bunny adoption event this weekend on Vegansaurus! No, this isn't a klan rally in adorable disguise -- white bunnies with red eyes actually have a hard time getting adopted because they're probably Bunnicula. No bigs, that rabbit had it right; I'd happily provide a homebase for him to do God's work. And then, when he kills me, he can rewrite my will in my own blood and assume my identity. And then, someone will finally pay off my student loans! Happy endings for all!

• World Go Vegan Week is coming up in October, and In Defense of Animals has devised a campaign to encourage people to ask their local pizza parlors to carry vegan cheese for the week. I'm into it! The only issue I have with the campaign is the graphic used to represent the pizza. WTF kinda fucked-up pizza is that? The only scenario I can think of where that pizza would work in is this: Two slightly hungry people, one who LOVES pimento olives and one who LOVES mushrooms, and one hungry fat person who LOVES pizza with cheese and a few green peppers. If those three people got that pizza, they'd be hella happy.

• Now I will present the saga of the Foie Gras Donut. Fun! Some restaurant in Queens, N.Y., put foie gras in a donut and everyone either cheered or booed. One of the people who booed created a petition asking the restaurant not to serve foie gras donuts. Then Grub Street caught wind of it and wrote some blabberdy blabber making fun of people who care about the fact that ducks are eaten alive by rats while trying to create this delicacy (which was originally something eaten out of desperation because people couldn't get anything that tasted good). Oh, and of course they quoted one crazy bitch who said something stupid and ridiculous that didn't even make sense and then used it to assert that all vegans are racists (only some of us are! We're Americans, too!). This is all okay, though, because literally NOBODY reads Grub Street. I mean, I found that article while searching for porn. Finally, Dun Well Doughnuts created a vegan version and so the circle is complete.

Two things: Both the diseased-liver foie gras donut and the vegan foie gras donut look like gross poos coming to tongue you. It's like, that donut is WAY too personal. And secondly, when will people learn that online petitions are largely ineffective, especially in cases like this?

MoveOn.org came and saw and conquered, and now that shit don't work no more. Plus, there's nothing you can do when omni's decide to have fun with foie gras -- they will do it BECAUSE you don't like it. It's their God-given right as Amuricans! The best part is, it's usually the pretentious/insufferable omni's who are all into local foods and sustainably harvested shit who go crazy for foie gras, and they will NOT be made to feel guilty about their lovingly slaughtered pork chops, either. As long as their diseased liver comes from less than 50 miles away, they're cool. Reaching out to these people is pretty useless, and just results in stuff like that whiny, butt-hurt Grub Street post. We need a new game plan! Anybody?? I'll be over here eating my salted caramel Pepple's donut, which I know tastes better than either of those things.

• The terrible circus is in town, so go protest its terribleness in person. This is actually a highly effective protest, because lots of people don't know how terrible the circus actually is. Enlightenment through education is a beautiful thing! Of course, there are some people who will throw cotton candy at you and call you names, but hey! That's free cotton candy! Thanks for the deliciousness, idiot!

• PETA's president, Ingrid Newkirk, was interviewed in Forbes magazine. Despite being a plastic surgery monster and bit of an idiot know-it-all, I gotta give big ups to Newkirk for still being out there, nutso for the animals, even at 105 years old. In 2,000 years, when I'm her age, I hope I'm as gloriously bitchy as she. She's kinda like if Cruella DeVille when to work FOR the animals, and I think it's great -- -ish. She might fuck up a lot but at least she's creating a stir, and there has to be a reason so many people donate to PETA, right? I can't blame every dime they receive on concussions. The thing is, every movement needs the pill that's easy for the mainstream to digest, and the rough-and-tumble psychos who do what it takes to tell it like it is. I guess PETA's the latter for the animal rights movement. They at least think they are. I'm not entirely convinced, but I do like many of their campaigns, probably as many as I hate. What I'm trying to say is I'm conflicted, but I think whoever did Newkirk's face deserves a raise!

• CNN has an article on Tokyo's five best vegan restaurants. Let's all move there immediately so we can feel like fatso giants and eat like kings!

There's a university IN TEXAS that has an ENTIRELY VEGAN CAFETERIA. Goddamn! The future is NOW, people!

Speaking of Texas, you know how the entire state is on fire right now? And not in a sexy way, like, actual fire. It's awful! They're going through rough times with tons of heat and not much water and consequently, the residents of Sunny Day Farms animal sanctuary in Le Coste, Texas are suffering. In response, awesome vegan blogger Lazy Vegan Smurf and friends put together a great zine of delicious vegan recipes, with all proceeds going to Sunny Day Farms. I've been eating almost exclusively out of it for the past week and have gotten three compliments on my sweater today. Coincidence? Don't answer that? Buy it so I don't have to place a curse on your first-born.

• Because I think about myself way too much (speaking of, read all about my favorite vegan snacks and junk food on the Laziest Vegans! I like really delicious stuff! And then get ready for a new time suck, because that site is awesome!), I feel this was a particularly sassy/insane Week in Vegan. What's up with me? I have no clue, I think I'm just really upset about the world and how sad it is, and I haven't been able to make it to Souley Vegan for a Toasty Crispy in a long time and that makes me even sadder. Also, I got a parking ticket and the whole world is fucked! So much to worry about. But then, there's stuff like pumpkin spice lattes and Jeffrey the pig and so, it's not ALL bad. Just mostly! Okay, I'm out! May you all eat lots of delicious vegan food and pet many bunnies this weekend! Also, get laid!

Laura Beck is a founding editor of Vegansaurus! and tweets at mrpenguino.
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Laura Beck

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