Cryptocurrencies like Etherium, Ripple, Litecoin, and Bitcoin promise to unshackle human potential from the grip of central banks worldwide. Like that mysterious eye in the pyramid on the back of the U.S. $1 bill, they harness the animal spirits of capitalism and fuse them to SHA256 double round hash verification processes in a blockchain network of emancipation from toil. This way, we may all enjoy the utopia created when monetary value divorces itself from anything real.
Just kidding! It’s all about people acting all weird and vulgar as they get phenomenally wealthy chasing something almost nobody can explain — the classic bubble mentality. As cryptocurrency traders suck more electricity than Denmark in the pursuit of mining yet more of that vaporous neo-gold, some weird characters have emerged, some of them clad in cryptocurrency-themed ugly sweaters.
Enter CoinDaddy, a 28-year-old former real estate guy named Arya Bahmanyar who’s a bearded hip-hop figure in fake white fur with leopard-print trim who’s performed at the San Francisco Bitcoin Meetup Party at the Runway Incubator (which shares an address with Twitter). There’s a sort of appealingly D.I.Y. quality to CoinDaddy’s whole shtick — he’s even got a video of himself “learning” that The New York Times had written about him — but it’s also kind of … extremely ridiculous. His is a PG-13 sort of swagger, more Weird Al than anything. One cut, “Bubble God,” has a lot of bragging about his investment savvy plus some call-and-response lyrics with an artificially low bass voice that seems to represent the gross domestic product about how “me and Putin are colludin’.”
Anyway, from the Times’ Style section over the weekend:
Formerly a commercial real estate agent, Mr. Bahmanyar works full time at CoinDaddy after becoming a self-described crypto-millionaire (“you think I would dress up like this if I wasn’t?”). “Right now all our entertainers come from outside crypto culture — not inside crypto, and we’ve got to change that,” he said.
He pointed to his outfit — a long white fake mink coat, gold-heeled shoes — and said, “It’s gold, right? It’s gold. It’s a niche, and I’m going to fill it.”
He says he is going to shoot a music video soon for a song called “Lambo Party” and another called “Cryptomom,” about “all these moms are pumping in their children’s savings accounts.”
Confusingly, there’s already a company called CoinDaddy that “makes blockchain technologies easier to understand and use.” But there’s plenty more confusion to go around, including the fact that “crypto” is such a paranoid subculture that having entertainers from outside it perform at its functions is something to worry about.
In reality, the worries should probably be about the worth of bitcoin itself. The Guardian has a great story today by noted finance blogger Mr. Money Mustache explaining why cryptocurrencies are a bubble and you shouldn’t invest in them, using cancer meds as an analogy. In short, cryptocurrencies have zero real-world utility as investments, and the herd mentality driving the price of a single bitcoin to $17,000 has already spurred enough competition that, like generic drugs undercutting the expensive pharmaceuticals, it will all come back to earth soon.
The libertarian, we’re-gonna-get-take-it-all-down ethos driving cryptocurrency dovetails so neatly with male ego that it’s almost too perfect. I expect CoinDaddy is working very hard to flesh out his backstory with noirish details about how much money he had as a kid, capitalizing on his newfound fame and scaring Janet Yellen half to death just as her term ends. But in the meantime, CoinDaddy has 29 Facebook followers and all his pics are Photoshopped. Get rich or die minin’.