9. Progressives citing the Dow Jones futures as proof of something. Oooh, the sanctity of global finance must be preserved! Uhh … weren’t you insufferable shitheads like totally calling for Lloyd Blankfein’s head once upon a not-so-distant time? #FuckTheMotherfuckingHavesBecauseTHEYDidThis
8. The very strong possibility of drunk stupid hideous men laughing at me and people like me and calling us stupid faggot losers on Twitter for the next four years or more.
7. “At least you can smoke pot in California.” FUCK. YOU. TO. THE. MAX. WE. DID. THAT. ANYWAY. WE. LIVE. IN. CALIFORNIA.
6. “I’m moving to Canada.” NO YOU AREN’T, YOU INSUFFERABLE DOUCHE. My awesome friends have a house in Sooke on Vancouver Island that’s cuter and pinier than the reclaimed particle board McMansion your stupid friends live in in bitterly cold motherfucking suburban Mississauga, Ontario, and I’m not going anywhere. (Except to visit, probably a lot.)
5. Newly terrified Democrats scurrying to “the center” on every single issue without putting up even the slightest fight, on anything, forever.
4. The belligerent consolidation of neoliberal domination under a Republican Party that is utterly uninterested in delivering on even the faintest whispers of Trump’s incoherent promises on the sliver of things on which he presented even a slight alternative to the prevailing hegemonic order.
UPDATED: 4a. Nuclear Holocaust. I mean, why the fuck not? It’s likelier than at any point since 1962 once we hand the codes to President-elect Itchy Twitter Finger.
3. The acceleration of our slow-motion, 45-year-long constitutional crisis, also the possibility that the Obama Administration was an aberrant blip and this is basically baseline reality now.
2. The inevitable, humongous wave of attacks against people of color, immigrants, queers, and basically anyone who’s different.
1. The collective Tim-the-Tool-Man-Taylor whaaa? sound of when America wakes up from its delusion and experiences intense, acute Brexit-esque regret as it grasps the full magnitude of what it’s gone and done at some point in early-to-mid 2017. I will neither laugh nor smile, having closed the last relevant tab in my browser months before.
AMERICA I TRIED TO LOVE YOU I TRIED