Governor: Jerry Brown, Circa 1976
We cannot endorse the Jerry Brown who exists today, a centrist who believes that people should get to vote on their own taxes. But we can eagerly endorse Jerry Brown from 1976.
Jerry Brown circa 1976 has what California needs most: no sense of history. A candidate who has no understanding of how the world has changed since the mid-'70s represents everything the San Francisco progressive movement stands for.
Jerry Brown circa 1976 left a record of progressive accomplishments that we're absolutely positive will work this time. He would also never revitalize Oakland, which was unforgivable. Also, Jerry Brown circa 1976 was dating the hippie folk rocker Linda Ronstadt; as part of our endorsement, we demand that this relationship continue.
Lieutenant Governor: Gavin Goddamn Newsom
Jesus Christ! We spend all these years pointing out that Gavin Newsom isn't worth the suit he's dressed in, and now we have to endorse him? That piece of shit in the mayor's office is such a hypocrite, it's contagious. The thought of furthering his career is sickening, like an AIDS victim catching Ebola. Most of us didn't even want to do an endorsement for lieutenant governor in this election because … come on, are you kidding us? But the only thing worse than a Democrat who votes like a Republican is an actual Republican, and it just … SCREW HIM AND THE MODERATE HORSE HE RODE IN ON! SHIT! GODDAMMIT TO HELL AND A SODOMIZED POPE!
Vote Gavin Newsom.
Attorney General: Kamala Harris
It's easy to feel good about voting for Kamala Harris, because we get a warm buzz every time we vote for a female minority. It's the equivalent of lighting a joint while listening to the “I have a dream” speech on Cesar Chavez Day.
Harris' opponent, Steve Cooley, has executed 50 people in the past nine years, and he's probably coming next for someone you know. It could be your mom, or your brother, or your best friend: There's no way to tell. Death is not progressive — we've tried to abolish it with a ballot measure every year since 1987 — and if Cooley has his way, we'll probably all die, someday.
So vote Harris. She is, unquestionably, the attorney general candidate of color least likely to kill someone we know.
District 2: Who cares?
People in Pacific Heights are rich enough that they don't actually need representation, and they don't deserve it anyway. We've been writing editorials for years telling them that our bicycles are morally superior to their money, and sometimes it seems like they're ignoring us.
Besides, now that Michela Alioto-Pier can't run for office, we're pretty happy. Vote? Sure, whatever. Vote for whomever you want, you rich Marina pricks — you're only one step up from suburban. Since Sarah Palin doesn't live in your district, you're bound to end up with a better supervisor for the next four years whatever happens.
District 4: Jane Kim
If she'd listened to us, Jane Kim would be living in District 4 and mounting a strong, progressive, challenge against incumbent Carmen Chu. Instead, Chu is running unopposed.
We thought we had a machine that would make progressives do what we tell them, or else. We really thought we had it this time — our city editor, Steven T. Jones, told Kim where to live — but we guess she doesn't realize how important he is.
We're endorsing Jane Kim for District 4 anyway, because we've always been more concerned with the world as it should be, rather than how it really is. But this is the last time: If Kim knows what's good for her, she'll lose to Debra Walker in District 6, move to District 4, and run against Chu in 2014.
The Guardian has spoken.
District 6: Pretty, Pretty Debra Walker
Look at Debra Walker! Isn't she pretty! Look at her shiny eyes, and feel her soft pelt! Isn't she soft! Oh, look, she's doing a trick! Debra Walker sits on our lap and loves to do tricks for us. Isn't that sweet? She always does whatever we say progressives do, unlike some candidates we could name. Speak, Debra! Speak! Tell us what we already think about San Francisco! Good Debra!
Go ahead and pet Debra. Don't worry, she won't scratch: We had her declawed years ago.
District 8: Rafael Mandelman
What's great about Rafael Mandelman is that he cares far more about crime in the Bayview and affordable housing in the Tenderloin than he does about any of the issues that actually affect District 8. That's what we look for in a supervisor: someone who's willing to ignore his constituents for the greater social good. He's a natural talent, and with a little more experience under his belt we're confident he'll start improving places he doesn't live in by passing laws he doesn't understand. He's already served on the city's Building Inspection Commission, which is a great start.
LOCAL BALLOT MEASURES
Proposition B (pensions): This is the moment we have trained for!
Prop. B doesn't stand a chance, because the combined kung fu of the Guardian and the Democratic County Central Committee is unstoppable! First local unions will strike down Public Defender Jeff Adachi with their KATANA OF BINDING ARBITRATION, and then all 11 supervisors will perform the legendary DYNAMO EQUITY FIRE CRANE KICK! We ourselves will end the fight with our finishing move, the one and only TIM REDMOND PEDANTIC EDITORIAL. It's unstoppable: No one can make it all the way through! Master Brugmann will be pleased.
Die, Prop. B: DIE!
STATE BALLOT MEASURES
Prop. 19 (to legalize marijuana): Yes! Yes … Are you paying attention? Seriously, this is important.
This measure to legalize pot is ahead at the polls, but sinister forces are conspiring to defeat this much-needed law. According to a chart prepared by our numerous unpaid interns, opposition to this measure is being secretly supported by John Boehner, Dick Cheney, 9/11 widows, Florida orange growers, Spain, your dad, Zionists, and the National Hockey League. We know this sounds paranoid now, but you should see the charts we'll come up with if Prop. 19 passes.
So be cool, all right? Vote yes. Stick it to your dad.
Proposition 23 (global warming): No! No! No!
Prop. 23 is funded by Texas oil companies who want to stop California from enforcing its tough new air emissions standards, because they think it's a Communist plot. That's crazy: If it were a Communist plot, we'd have a chart about it on our wall.
Every time this country does something good, people in Texas try to stop it. Look at the last 20 years and tell us that isn't true. A Texan killed the Clinton surplus and plunged America into debt, championed standardized testing in our schools, and ruined country music. By voting against Prop. 23, we have a rare opportunity to defend the environment and mess with Texas.