Gatorade Confirms What We All Knew: Bulk of its Drinkers Are Nursing Hangovers

Rest assured

A long time ago, in a county far, far away — well, Alameda — your humble narrator read the entire Associated Press style guide in one sitting. I laughed out loud once and only once — at the example of when and when not to capitalize the “o” in olympics: “He went on a beer-drinking Olympics.”

That phrase is relevant now, regarding the redesigned and re-branded Gatorade bottles starting to hit San Francisco supermarkets. In short, a lot more of us are going on a beer-drinking Olympics than to the real Olympics, and Gatorade's latest rollout acknowledges this.

Along with dropping the “atorade” portion of its moniker — the sports drink now will go just by “G” — the company has come up with a bevy of snazzy product lines that marketing folks might describe as “urban” without having to explain more. Anyhow, Gatorade Fierce is now called “Bring It,” Gatorade X-Factor is now “Be Tough,” and Gatorade A.M. is now “Shine On.”

Beyond new packaging and merchandising, the end result of all this is to justify and lure folks who have no need to drink Gatorade into drinking Gatorade. Let's start with the A.M. — sorry, “Shine On.” There is only one reason to drink Gatorade in the morning and that's for the deep-down body thirst brought about by a hangover. Clerks at several grocery stores I hit up today acknowledged that at least 50 percent of the folks buying the drink at their stores are either hung over or plan to be (You don't need to ask someone about their itinerary when the items on the conveyor belt are hard liquor, beer, and Gatorade). 

Gatorade's own marketing material conveys this message in a smarmy manner that just about breaks the unintentional hilarity gauge:

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