Summer Movies of 2016: Fuck, Marry, Kill

  • By Sherilyn Connelly
  • Wed May 11th, 2016 5:30pm
  • FeatureNews

Blockbuster season is always a mixed bag, and it can be tough to decide what level of commitment to make. Do you devote your heart to a picture, invite a film over for one wild cinematic night, or just swipe left and move on with your life? To make sure your walks of shame are for the right films, we’re playing Fuck / Marry / Kill with the movies of Summer 2016.

5/13

High-Rise
Director: Ben Wheatley
Cast: Tom Hiddleston, Elisabeth Moss, Jeremy Irons, Sienna Miller
Fuck: Loki in an adaptation of J.G. Ballard’s best novel not titled Crash? Oh my, yes.

The Lobster
Director: Yorgos Lanthimos
Cast: Roger Ashton-Griffiths, Jacqueline Abrahams, Jessica Barden, Olivia Colman
Marry: This odd story set in a world in which single people get turned into animals just looks like it has a lot of love to give.

Love & Friendship
Director: Whit Stillman
Cast: Kate Beckinsale, Chloë Sevigny, Xavier Samuel, Emma Greenwell
Kill: Aim for the head, because Stillman’s career is showing all the signs of Cinema Coprophagus Somnambulus.

5/20

Angry Birds
Directors: Clay Kaytis and Fergal Reilly
Cast: Kate McKinnon, Peter Dinklage, Jason Sudeikis, Bill Hader
Fuck: Because it’s based on a (comparatively) nonviolent videogame, and the cast also includes Maya Rudolph, Keegan Michael-Key, and Tituss Burgess.

Neighbors 2: Sorority Rising
Director: Nicholas Stoller
Cast: Seth Rogen, Rose Byrne, Chloë Grace Moretz, Zac Efron
Marry: The original film was surprisingly warm and fuzzy, and Moretz’s comedic chops are considerable.

The Nice Guys
Director: Shane Black
Cast: Ryan Gosling, Russell Crowe, Kim Basinger
Kill: Speaking of comedic chops — or lack thereof — did you see how hard Crowe beefed it on Saturday Night Live last month? It’s not this movie’s fault, but yikes.

5/27

X-Men: Apocalypse
Director: Bryan Singer
Cast: Jennifer Lawrence, Oscar Isaac, Sophie Turner, Olivia Munn
Fuck: If one forgets that The Last Standand Origins: Wolverine existed, the X-Men series is pretty reliable for non-insulting superhero schlock.

Maggie’s Plan
Director: Rebecca Miller
Cast: Greta Gerwig, Ethan Hawke, Julianne Moore, Maya Rudolph
Marry: A thoughtful new romantic comedy from the director of Personal Velocity. Also: Maya Rudolph!

Alice Through the Looking Glass
Director: James Bobin
Cast: Mia Wasikowska, Alan Rickman, Johnny Depp, Anne Hathaway, Helena Bonham Carter
Kill: Before beginning purification procedures, please move Wasikowska and screenwriter Linda Woolverton to a safe distance.

6/3

Popstar: Never Stop Never Stopping
Directors: Akiva Schaffer and Jorma Taccone
Cast: Andy Samberg, Sarah Silverman, Imogen Poots, Will Arnett
Fuck: This first proper follow-up to Hot Rod by the Lonely Island guys took nine years — so it can’t not be hilarious, right?

Bye Bye Man
Director: Stacy Title
Cast: Michael Trucco, Faye Dunaway, Carrie-Anne Moss
Marry: Title has been making low-budget horror films and dark comedies since the 1990s, and gathers a terrific supporting cast for this ghost story.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows
Director: Dave Green
Cast: Megan Fox, Stephen Amell, Will Arnett, Alan Ritchson
Kill: These movies keep existing, and there appears to be nothing we can do to make them not exist. (Other than not paying to see them, but picky-picky.)

6/10

Chevalier
Director: Athina Rachel Tsangari
Cast: Giannis Drakopoulos, Kostas Filippoglou, Yiorgos Kendros
Fuck: The Village Voice calls this Greek film “an inspired, gorgeously photographed work of deadpan lunacy that asserts itself as a spit-take on masculine rivalries.” Sold American!

Now You See Me 2
Director: Jon M. Chu
Cast: Jesse Eisenberg, Lizzy Caplan, Daniel Radcliffe, Mark Ruffalo
Marry: Because director Chu deserves a hug after the undue abuse heaped on him last year for Jem and the Holograms.

Warcraft
Director: Duncan Jones
Cast: Travis Fimmel, Paula Patton, Callan Mulvey, Clancy Brown
Kill: The director of the low-budget but thoughtful Moon and Source Code now makes a big CGI spectacular… based on a videogame. That’s progress?

6/17

De Palma
Directors: Noah Baumbach and Jake Paltrow
Cast: Brian De Palma, et al.
Fuck: Less than a year after the documentary Hitchcock/Truffaut comes this look at Hitchcock’s most ardent imitator, Brian De Palma. Seems appropriate.

Finding Dory
Directors: Andrew Stanton and Angus MacLane
Cast: Idris Elba, Kate McKinnon, Bill Hader, Michael Sheen
Marry: Pixar’s new movie is a follow-up to Finding Nemo, but the first three words of this sentence are the only ones that matter.

Central Intelligence
Director: Rawson Marshall Thurber
Cast: Dwayne Johnson, Kevin Hart, Amy Ryan, Aaron Paul
Kill: It’s written by two Mindy Project alums, and features a great comedy cast. And yet.

6/24

The Shallows
Director: Jaume Collet-Serra
Cast: Blake Lively, Óscar Jaenada, Brett Cullen
Fuck: An even smaller-scale version of Open Water, pitting Lively against a shark.

Free State of Jones
Director: Gary Ross
Cast: Matthew McConaughey, Keri Russell, Gugu Mbatha-Raw, Mahershala Ali
Marry: The flat circle of the McConaissance continues with this true story of a breakaway region of Civil War–era Mississippi that seceded from the Confederacy.

Independence Day: Resurgence
Director: Roland Emmerich
Cast: Liam Hemsworth, Joey King, Maika Monroe, William Fichtner

Kill: There are two belated sequels this summer with “Resurgence” in the title, only one of which is worth getting excited about.

7/1

The Purge: Election Year
Director: James DeMonaco
Cast: Elizabeth Mitchell, Frank Grillo, Mykelti Williamson, Ethan Phillips
Fuck: This series may prove to be one of the definitive satires of politics in 2010s America, inasmuch as it’s even possible to satirize it at this point.

The BFG
Director: Steven Spielberg
Cast: Mark Rylance, Rebecca Hall, Matt Frewer, Bill Hader
Marry: That would be the Big Friendly Giant from the Roald Dahl book, not the Big Fucking Gun from the videogames Doom and Quake. #TheMoreYouKnow.

The Legend of Tarzan
Director: David Yates
Cast: Margot Robbie, Ella Purnell, Alexander Skarsgård, Samuel L. Jackson
Kill: Moviegoers haven’t cared about Tarzan for decades, but the character is in the public domain, so these’ll keep happening every few years.

7/8

The Secret Life of Pets
Directors:  Chris Renaud and Yarrow Cheney
Cast: Ellie Kemper, Jenny Slate, Lake Bell, Hannibal Buress
Fuck: This anthropomorphic-animal cartoon will almost certainly lack the political edge of Zootopia, but Kimmy Schmidt as well as Lincoln from Broad City do voices, so that’s OK.

Zero Days
Director: Alex Gibney
Cast: George W. Bush, Hillary Clinton
Marry: Fingers crossed that the latest from hella-prolific documentarian Gibney will inspire the Church of Scientology to revive its hilarious but dormant anti-Gibney Twitter account, @freedomethics.

Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates
Director: Jake Szymanski
Cast: Anna Kendrick, Zac Efron, Aubrey Plaza, Adam DeVine
Kill: It’s probably much smarter than it looks — it would have to be — but seriously, kill this movie with fire for the passive roles it gives Kendrick and Plaza in the title.

7/15

Ghostbusters
Director: Paul Feig
Cast: Melissa McCarthy, Leslie Jones, Kate McKinnon, Kristen Wiig
Fuck: OMG THE GHOSTBUSTERS ARE WOMEN THE SJWS AND FEMINAZIS HAVE RUINED EVERYTHING!!!11!!1!!!111!1!

Microbe & Gasoline
Director: Michel Gondry
Cast: Audrey Tautou, Ange Dargent, Théophile Baquet
Marry: It’s surprising that this is only Gondry and Tatou’s second collaboration, but here’s to many more.

The Infiltrator
Director: Brad Furman
Cast: Bryan Cranston, Amy Ryan, Diane Kruger, John Leguizamo
Kill: This movie looks like an important teatment of a serious subject, which is probably why it’s actually being released on Wednesday, July 13, instead of Friday, July 15. Still — watch out, Ghostbusters!

7/22

Star Trek Beyond
Director: Justin Lin
Cast: Idris Elba, Simon Pegg, Chris Pine, Zoe Saldana
Fuck: Sure. Why not? Can’t be worse than Into Darkness, right?

Absolutely Fabulous: The Movie
Director: Mandie Fletcher
Cast: Jennifer Saunders, Joanna Lumley, Julia Sawalha, Jane Horrocks
Marry: Drunkenly get hitched after a night of blackout debauchery, to be precise.

Ice Age: Collision Course
Directors: Mike Thurmeier and Galen T. Chu
Cast: Simon Pegg, Stephanie Beatriz, Melissa Rauch, Jennifer Lopez
Kill: It’ll be fascinating to see which unnumbered franchise picture featuring Simon Pegg opening on this day will prove to be less relevant.

7/29

Godzilla: Resurgence
Directors: Hideaki Anno and Shinji Higuchi
Cast: Hiroki Hasegawa, Yutaka Takenouchi, Satomi Ishihara
Fuck: An unintended consequence of American Godzilla movies is that they always get Toho off its duff to revive the real series.

Norman Lear: Just Another Version of You
Directors: Heidi Ewing and Rachel Grady
Cast: Norman Lear, et al.
Marry: A documentary about the legendary producer who actually made good television in the 1970s.

Jason Bourne
Director: Paul Greengrass
Cast: Matt Damon, Alicia Vikander, Julia Stiles, Tommy Lee Jones
Kill: After The Bourne Identity, Supremacy, Ultimatum, and Legacy, the producers set a new standard of laziness by naming the movie after the lead character.

8/5

Suicide Squad
Director: David Ayer
Cast: Margot Robbie, Jared Leto, Ben Affleck, Cara Delevingne, Joel Kinnaman
Fuck: Just try not to think about how many teenage boys are masturbating to pictures of Margot Robbie as you read this.

The Founder
Director: John Lee Hancock
Cast: Michael Keaton, Linda Cardellini, Laura Dern, Nick Offerman
Marry: A little something for those who love Eisenhower-era production design or Linda Cardellini, which should be everyone with a soul.

Nine Lives
Director: Barry Sonnenfeld
Cast: Jennifer Garner, Kevin Spacey, Christopher Walken
Kill: Film scholars have long debated whether the problem with Oh! Heavenly Dog was that it starred Chevy Chase, or that he turned into a dog. Kevin Spacey turning into a cat should provide a definitive answer.

8/12

Sausage Party
Directors: Greg Tiernan and Conrad Vernon
Cast: Jonah Hill, Kristen Wiig, James Franco, Paul Rudd
Fuck: Seth Rogen and Evan Goldberg wrote this hard-R cartoon, so it might not be entirely terrible.

Florence Foster Jenkins
Director: Stephen Frears
Cast: Meryl Streep, Rebecca Ferguson, Simon Helberg, Hugh Grant
Marry: A more direct telling of the true story that the recent Marguerite was based on, with Streep in comedy mode.

Pete’s Dragon
Director: David Lowery
Cast: Bryce Dallas Howard, Robert Redford, Karl Urban, Wes Bentley
Kill: If Maleficent is Pirates of the Caribbean, then this is its The Haunted Mansion.

8/19

Ben-Hur
Director: Timur Bekmambetov
Cast: Jack Huston, Nazanin Boniadi, Haluk Bilginer, Pilou Asbæk
Fuck: Like Tarzan, the fact that the novelBen-Huris in the public domain means we can except to see it remade every few decades, whether anyone cares or not.

Kubo and the Two Strings
Director: Travis Knight
Cast: Charlize Theron, Matthew McConaughey, Rooney Mara, George Takei
Marry: The latest stop-motion animation film from the studio that made Coraline and ParaNorman, and while it probably won’t have a horribly transphobic subplot like 2014’s The Boxtrolls, a prenup is still in order.

War Dogs
Director: Todd Phillips
Cast: Ana de Armas, Miles Teller, Jonah Hill, Bradley Cooper
Kill: Did you know that the singularly unimaginative director of the Hangover films once made a documentary about notorious punk-rock coprophage GG Allin?

8/26

Don’t Breathe
Director: Fede Alvarez
Cast: Jane Levy, Dylan Minnette, Stephen Lang, Daniel Zovatto
Fuck: The latest spook-tacular joint from the director of underrated Evil Dead remake.

Hands of Stone
Director: Jonathan Jakubowicz
Cast: Ana de Armas, Robert De Niro, Edgar Ramirez, Jurnee Smollett-Bell
Marry: Sometimes, this late into the summer, the only eligible bachelor is a boxing drama. What, you’d rather die alone? Settle like a 42-year-old woman.

Mechanic: Resurrection
Director: Dennis Gansel
Cast: Jason Statham, Michelle Yeoh, Jessica Alba, Tommy Lee Jones
Kill: That image that just popped into your head is almost certainly from the Crank or Transporter movies, but evidently Statham also once starred in a remake of the Charles Bronson film The Mechanic.

 

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