Subject: NFC West Division

• Niners Nation Mines Poo Season in Search of Gold

  October 9, 2007

• RaidersSuckNinersSuck: Week 7

  October 22, 2007

• The Top 10 San Francisco Cults: You Will Read This … JOIN US!

  November 8, 2007

• Raiders Suck vs Niners Suck Week 11

  November 19, 2007

• Farewell Alex, We Hardly Knew Ye

  December 7, 2007

• SF Weekly Learns Torrey Kretschman of Roseville, CA. Is Man Who Fell to Death at Monster Park

  December 10, 2007

• The Suckiest NFL Team in the Bay Area Is - The 49ers

  January 7, 2008

• SF Weekly's Seven Day Dish

  February 26, 2008

• And the Primary Results are In

  June 4, 2008

• Plan Your Culinary Rocktober

  October 1, 2008

• The Weekend Hitlist: Mountain Goats, Exotic Erotics and A Big Benefit

  October 24, 2008

• "Speaking of Responsibility, We've Taken It;" "Everything the 49ers Have Asked Us to Do, We've Done," - the Wit and Wisdom of Gavin Newsom on the economy

  By Benjamin Wachs What's that, you say? Didn't Gavin already give a Newsom-isode on the economy? Well, yes, but that was the "Economic Climate." This is the Newsom-isode on "Economic Development." What's the difference? Well, one kind of tells you what Gavin plans to do, and the other kind of explains why he can't. Personally, I can't believe anyone is actually still reading my notes about these things - isn't there enough misery in the world? But if you are, at least make it a dri

  December 11, 2008

• Farewell Joe Starkey, the World's Greatest Bad Announcer

  Longtime 49ers announcer managed to be great without being good By Joe Eskenazi Scientific data does not exist to back my claim -- a grant application is pending -- but I believe that "Road House" is, quantifiably, the best bad movie of all-time. It stars Patrick Swayze as a legendary bouncer brought in to clean up a bar whose owner never thought to institute a "no mullets, no flannels, no sleeveless apparel" policy and features Shakespearian dialogue such as "Pain don't hurt," "Calling me 's

  December 22, 2008

• Newsom's Cajoling on South Bay's 49ers Stadium Plan Comes Off As Desperate Hail Mary

  Hut, hut, hikeThese days are just packed for Mayor Gavin Newsom. He just introduced a city financial plan that's a dead cert to induce enough fevered statements about "balancing the budget on the backs of the poor" to make outsiders think the city's indigent population is working on a circus novelty act. Within a matter of days, he'll have the names of San Francisco's potential next police chief placed on his desk. And, tonight, Santa Clara's city council votes on greenlighting a $937 million st

  June 2, 2009

• Whether 49ers Prosper or Piddle Out, It's All Due to a Single Lucky Play

  The wrong man catches a desperate heave late in a meaningless contest between two losing teams ... and it changes everything. By Joe EskenaziWith the first NFL playoff weekend in the book, we can safely say this: You really don't have to be all that good to make the postseason these days. So while it's a good bet that Mike Singletary's 2009 49ers are not going to remind anyone of the team's 1994 edition -- but they sure would take a sartorial step up if they outfitted themselves in those gloriou

  January 5, 2009

• Like Football? Good at Glad-Handing? Want a Boss Who Enjoys Dropping His Pants in Crowds? Come Work For the 49ers!

  Can you put a good spin on this? Then answer the Niners' ad!Do you have a degree in journalism? Do you have at least eight years as a public relations professional? Are you a skilled public speaker? And do you enjoy working around men who disrobe in front of the media and are led by a man who disrobed in front of them? Well then what are you waiting for? The San Francisco 49ers need a new director of football public relations -- could it be you? Apply here!The first three questions heading this

  January 13, 2009

• Edgar Allan Poe -- Who Never Visited San Francisco and May Never Even Have Thought of It -- Would be 200 Today

  It seems so right. It should have been true. Edgar Allan Poe, his jaw taut and his eyes bloodshot, ought to have been wandering along a foggy San Francisco alley upon a midnight dreary, pondering weak and weary. Alas, 'twas not the case. Poe -- who would have been 200 today (and barely made a fifth of that in his mortal coil) -- did not leave his Telltale Heart in San Francisco. Since we don't trust Wikipedia, we called the Poe Museum in Richmond, Va. and spoke with tourguide Keith Kaulfelt, who

  January 19, 2009

• For a Football Coach, a Family Is a Wonderful Thing -- You Can Blame Them for Everything

  Over the weekend, Scott Linehan, the 49ers' preferred choice to coordinate the team's once-proud (read: Not so proud anymore) offense surprised the team by offering the thanks-but-no-thanks. Turning down the job was an eyebrow-raiser -- but not so much as the excuse he offered: "The timing isn't right for me. It's not an easy decision. I do factor in where I'm going to end up with everyone here at home. ... My family is going to be 2,000 miles away for at least part of the time." Ah, the family.

  January 19, 2009

• Scott Linehan, Who Cared So Much for His Family He Couldn't Bear to Bring Them to S.F., Accepts Job in ... Detroit?

  We recently wrote about how Scott Linehan was just the latest NFL coach to trot out the ridiculous "It's all about my family" excuse to cover up why he really doesn't want/got bounced from a job. You'll recall that Linehan, the former head coach of the St. Louis Rams, flew to San Francisco and engaged in multiple job interviews with the 49ers before being offered the job of coordingating  the team's underperforming offense -- before suddenly realizing that he has three young boys and a wife

  January 23, 2009

• Can 49ers Become Next Mediocre Team to Ride Hot Streak to Super Bowl? Longtime Coach Says NOOOOOOOO!

  A good quarterback and the NFL's top receiver -- there's two things the 49ers could useAre the Arizona Cardinals a great team? Hardly. Are they a good team? That's up for debate. But the only question that matters come Sunday is: Are they good enough? Just as Tila Tequila can achieve success and stardom with a few salacious Web clips -- when it used to require millions of dollars of studio publicity or, in rare cases, talent -- assembling a Super Bowl team doesn't seem to be the task it once wa

  January 29, 2009

• So, God Told Kurt Warner to Spurn the 49ers. What Else Did The Almighty Say?

  Janine KahnArizona Cardinals quarterback and devout Christian Kurt Warner briefly considered joining the San Francisco 49ers this week, but while he was visiting the Bay Area God apparently told Warner to forget it. "I told my wife probably 45 minutes into it that I just felt God say 'You're supposed to be in Arizona," Warner said, "and I told her that. She tried to tell me to stay open, but he just continued to confirm it."What else did the Almighty whisper in Warner's ear?Evoking my name in yo

  March 5, 2009

• Coach Is Who We Think He Is! San Francisco Squad in New Pro Football League Taps Dennis Green as Coach. Is Michael Vick Next?

  Dennis Green, who built up a stellar career as a San Francisco 49ers assistant coach, then the head man at Stanford and with the Minnesota Vikings -- only to have much of his reputation obscured when he delivered the most unintentionally hilarious postgame football rant in modern times (above) -- has been named head coach of the city's yet to be named franchise in the nascent United Football League. The four-team, six-city league (no joke) -- which kicks off in October -- is the brainchild of

  March 12, 2009

• Gridiron of Dreams: S.F. Man Spends Huge Chunk of Life Savings on Minor League Football Team -- and He's the Running Back

  Joe EskenaziQuarterback Dion Pickett, formerly of College of San Mateo, drops back to pass at a Bay Area Buccaneers practice in San Francisco's Hamilton SquareFrom a distance you could hear them laughing and shouting -- a bunch of kids playing football in the park. But with every step closer to Hamilton Square it becomes readily apparent that these are not kids. They're too big and too strong; wide receiver Chris King's biceps bulge as the pass from Dion Pickett hits him in the hands. They're to

  March 13, 2009

• San Francisco Does NOT Win 'Most Photo-Friendly City' Contest -- So We'll Denigrate the Poll (It's a Coping Mechanism)

  National Archives 111-SC box 692 329507Has our beauty deserted us? And without it -- what's left? This is not pee-wee soccer. There are winners and losers in life. In the immortal words of Reese Bobby, "If you ain't first, you're last." So, we're chagrined to announce that San Francisco has been named first loser by Popular Photography Magazine in its "Most Photo-Friendly City" contest (that'd be second place). Now San Francisco needn't win everything; perhaps it would have been better to not to

  April 3, 2009

• Help Save San Francisco Parks By Walking Your Ass Off

  A. MaleyNothin' beats a walk in the park...Yesterday we wrote about how advocates warn that the state's plan to shut the vast majority of the state's parks could lead to massive encampments, partying, vagrancy, arson, and, perhaps, the world's largest collection of empty beer cans in California's once-proud parks.  While the city has seen its share of park-related arguments regarding our own budget deficit -- and it's a fair guess the grass at McLaren Park will be allowed to grow a bit tall

  June 3, 2009

• October book events: Litquake, Spain Rodriguez, and Stuff White People Like.

  October 1, 2008

• Cracked Up

  February 20, 2008

• Sports Flight

  The 49ers and the A's are on the move. Is their flight to the 'burbs a seismic shift in the Bay Area sports scene?

  November 22, 2006

• Letters to the Editor

  Week of Wednesday, January 11, 2006

  January 11, 2006

• Offensive Line

  Numbers guy and Stanford MBA Paraag Marathe has become a scapegoat for the 49ers' failure, but he's really the future of the NFL

  December 28, 2005

• Feeling Crabby

  Must we love everything about S.F. -- even the Dungeness?

  December 14, 2005

• Straight to Video

  Dog Bites turns into a film critic to help us understand the Bayview police video scandal

  December 14, 2005

• Quite the Catch

  Montana's Excellence

  November 23, 2005

• Diversity Scramble, Left. On Two. Break.

  A 49ers diversity training video included crude racial jokes, steamy strippers, and not-so-hot lesbians. So what's the problem? Take quiz, find out.

  June 15, 2005

• Inside the NFHell

  Are you a 49ers apologist? Or a football fan?

  December 15, 2004

• Resolved: I Will Get Laid

  This is, after all, San Francisco. How hard can it be?

  January 21, 2004

• Arrested Development

  Mayor Brown is pushing for quick approval of a Hunters Point Shipyard redevelopment plan that gives a lot to homebuilding giant Lennar, and not nearly enough to the city or the shipyard's neighbors

  November 19, 2003

• More At 11:00

  An Exclusive Look at Secret Plans for Revolutionary Change in San Francisco Television News

  February 5, 2003

• Unsportsmanlike Conduct

  The chaotic, unsuccessful, and utterly charming first year of the San Francisco Tsunami of the Women's American Football League

  January 23, 2002

• Roto-Nerds of the World Rejoice as Fantasy Football Site Spikes NFL in Court

  Can you imagine paying licensing fees to use Alex Smith's stats?Aficionados of Pleistocene-era sports video games may remember how "Player No. 16" on the nameless San Francisco team with crimson uniforms was really good -- but the lack of licensing fees forbade any notion of the terms "Joe Montana," or "49ers."That won't happen anytime soon with fantasy football as a recent court ruling found CBS Interactive does not have to pay licensing agreements to the National Football League when it uses p

  May 1, 2009

• Are You Ready For Some Football? The Team Is Named 'The California Redwoods.' Still Ready?

  Joe EskenaziUFL Commissioner Michael Huyghue smiles while California Redwoods owner Paul Pelosi shows off what is either a large Jolly Rancher candy or his team's road uniform​A superstitious person would have picked up bad, teal and lime green vibes at the just-concluded AT&T Park press conference announcing the name of San Francisco's team in the nascent United Football League. First, as he stepped up to the podium, league commissioner Michael Huyghue inadvertently knocked one of the dec

  August 11, 2009

• It's Your Friday Morning News Quiz!

  ¿Dónde está el jefe?​ Normally, a story about Gavin Newsom going to Mexico and "leaking" would be pretty vile. And, depending on your feelings about the mayor, both of these developments could be interpreted as very problematic ... but not in that way.In any event, it's Friday -- you made it. But were you paying attention? We'll see about that. 1. The Amalgamated Transit Union Local No. 1555 finally ratified a BART contract on Tuesday. After the vote was in, ATU President Jesse Hunt placed

  August 28, 2009

• Nate Davis Gets Nod as 49ers' No. 3 Quarterback. But, Once Again, Who Is Nate Davis?

  ​As we noted a little while ago, if San Francisco 49ers coach Mike Singletary was being literal-minded when he famously bellowed "I want winners!" then he's likely to be disappointed. A gambling Web site recently pegged the Niners' odds of winning the Super Bowl at 55-to-1; this means that Sigletary has about the same odds of reaching into a shuffled deck of cards (with jokers) and whipping out the ace of spades. Perhaps this has something to do with the 49ers' quarterback situation. Barring f

  September 2, 2009

• It's Your 49ers Season Opener Drinking Game!

  Wallowing in nostalgia -- the habit of 49ers fans everywhere...​The San Francisco 49ers' quest to stumble upwards toward mediocrity, reassert their once-proud tradition, and become something more than a gaggle of oversize, sweaty men wearing tight gold pants commences this weekend. Since beer goes with televised football as naturally as high-ankle sprains go with playing football, SF Weekly is happy to provide this handy drinking game for Sunday's contest at Arizona. As always, please behave i

  September 11, 2009

• 49ers 'Harleyman' To Lead Convoy To Team's Home Opener

  Tom TracyHave a cup of joe with 49ers 'Harleyman' Steve Mahoney before the game this Sunday​Barring a miracle, you will not get the chance to play on the field with the San Francisco 49ers. But if you wish to ride the roads with the team's Harley-mounted figurehead -- well, that could happen. Steve Mahoney, the San Francisco Department of Public Works steam-cleaner who will lead the 49ers out onto the field on his red-and-gold, Niners-themed Hog, will be revving it up at a home-opening celebra

  September 16, 2009

• It's Your Friday Morning News Quiz!

  ​Life, death, sports, and Froot Loops. That's what kind of a week it was in San Francisco. You know, if you have half as much fun taking this quiz as we had writing it -- then we had twice as much fun as you. On to the quiz: 1. Which of the following statements wasn't uttered by Officer Noel Schwab, as he arrested a mouthy San Francisco skateboarder in a now-infamous viral Web video? A. "Resist again, and I'm going to break your arm like a twig." B. "Now I'm gonna act like a fucking dick..."C.

  October 2, 2009

• Candlestick Park Trample Victim Lawsuit Isn't First Involving S.F. Police Horse -- But It's the First In a Long Time

  ​We've written a little bit about Eugene Caldwell, the 78-year-old 49ers fan killed by a runaway police horse last year at Candlestick Park. According to court records, Caldwell's widow and grown children filed suit against a bevy of defendants on April 17; yesterday the Examiner ran a story in which they revealed they're angling for a payout in the millions.The notion of a spooked horse running wild through the streets of San Francisco would have seemed antiquated even the better part of a ce

  October 6, 2009

• It's Your Friday Morning News Quiz!

  Justin PageStay classy, San Francisco​Witness intimidation! Religious and sexual harassment! Bacteria-infested sandwiches! If that's the week it was, we're extra glad it's Friday. Also, time for a quiz: 1. Which of the following epithets did Assemblyman Tom Ammiano shout when Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger sauntered into a Democratic event in San Francisco's Fairmont Hotel? A. "I wish it was a tumor!" B. "Out, Nazi! Achtung! C. "Kiss my gay ass!" D. "Shit! He is back!" 2. Seven men -- and, later,

  October 9, 2009

• Has Any QB Who Stunk As Bad As Alex Smith Gone On To Success With Same Team?

  ​When the 49ers drafted Alex Smith with the No. 1 overall pick in 2005, I made a bet with anyone who would take my money: Aaron Rodgers would go on to have a better pro career than either Smith or Matt Leinart. Ostensibly the jury is still out -- but I'd say it's a pretty safe bet that at least a buck and a quarter and a six-pack are coming my way. That being said, during The Half That Saved Alex Smith's Career on Sunday, the announcer mentioned something that almost didn't register: Smith is

  October 28, 2009

• It's Your Friday Morning News Quiz!

  Happier times. Faster, too.​ Bridge! Bridge! More Bridge! Troubled bridge over water! Didja hear about the bridge? Sigh. Take a news quiz. 1. The city of San Francisco agreed to cough up $250,000 regarding a lawsuit stemming from a 2005 spill in which perhaps 54,000 gallons of what was leaked into the ground, sewers, and Bay?A. SewageB. PesticideC. ChlorineD. Gasoline2. A math professor told SF Weekly that the odds of the letters I F-U-C-K Y-O-U randomly appearing at the start of seven lines i

  October 30, 2009