San Francisco 49ers

BOSF 2012: How to Smuggle Beer into a Stadium

49ers Not Bringing Gold Back to San Francisco

The 49ers' pending move to Santa Clara feels a bit like losing one's spouse to a rich, superficial cad. But the analogy breaks down quickly. Ideally, loving and intimate relationships between two people do not require a cost-benefit analysis as the ultimate arbiter of feasibility. Relationships betw ... More >>

Tim Tebow: Jesus Smiles Upon San Francisco By Sending Him Elsewhere

​More than a few sportswriters couldn't resist marital analogies during the 49ers abortive recent pursuit of Peyton Manning. And, hey -- it works. The team's for-better-or-for-worse union with Alex Smith finally experiences some of the "for better," vows are renewed -- and cue an aging but hormona ... More >>

Outmigration: Only District 6 Retains Its Black Population

​More than a few sportswriters couldn't resist marital analogies during the 49ers abortive recent pursuit of Peyton Manning. And, hey -- it works. The team's for-better-or-for-worse union with Alex Smith finally experiences some of the "for better," vows are renewed -- and cue an aging but hormona ... More >>

Willie's World Redux: The Former Mayor Tells It Like It Is

​More than a few sportswriters couldn't resist marital analogies during the 49ers abortive recent pursuit of Peyton Manning. And, hey -- it works. The team's for-better-or-for-worse union with Alex Smith finally experiences some of the "for better," vows are renewed -- and cue an aging but hormona ... More >>

49ers: Lucky or Good? Mathematician Weighs In

​San Francisco 49ers fans still in search or a silver lining, take heed: Rather than be blinded with science, embrace it! Matt Lane, an S.F. native and alumnus of University High, is now a doctoral student in mathematics at UCLA. On his Math Goes Pop! blog, he recently pondered whether the 49 ... More >>

Grass-Fed Sounds

​San Francisco 49ers fans still in search or a silver lining, take heed: Rather than be blinded with science, embrace it! Matt Lane, an S.F. native and alumnus of University High, is now a doctoral student in mathematics at UCLA. On his Math Goes Pop! blog, he recently pondered whether the 49 ... More >>

Adieu, 49ers: San Francisco, Team to File for Divorce

For those with Kezar Stadium memories, losing the 49ers hurts. So does knowing the city can no longer afford the team.​Following that rarest of things -- a Super Bowl that came down to the final snap -- New England Patriots fans will be endlessly playing over the events in their minds. If only tha ... More >>

49ers Pissed Away Super Bowl Berth. Accept This, and Move On.

​It may stagger longtime 49ers fans to comprehend it, but children born the season the team last won a Super Bowl are now able to buy cigarettes, vote, and sleep with whomever they choose. And yet, it's a testament to the utter dominance of the Niners of yore that older fans still feel entitled wh ... More >>

49ers-Giants: The Biggest Games

It's hard to be nostalgic when you don't remember anything. It's also hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything. Vernon Davis, who made what is being dubbed "The Catch III," was several years shy of being born when Dwight Clark made "The Catch." But fans -- we remember. We remember every ... More >>

49ers Season Tickets Will Require $30K Fee

​The NFL is a hell of a business. Niners fans, paying an exorbitant amount for season tickets, will now be required to plink down tens of thousands of dollars in order to have the privilege of paying even more for tickets in the 49ers yet-to-be-constructed stadium.Fans sitting in the "club level" ... More >>

Ed Lee Calls Candlestick Blackout "National Embarrassment." Ain't That a Bit Harsh?

ESPN television broadcastIf John Madden were calling this clip, no doubt he'd say "Boom!" ​When Mayor Ed Lee told gathered throngs of media that the multiple power failures during Monday Night Football were a "national embarrassment," he used strong -- and curious -- language. San Francisco's infr ... More >>

49ers Blackout: Life Imitates Art

All things considered, a few more candlesticks would have helped out at Candlestick​If nothing else, yesterday's lights-out performance by the San Francisco 49ers' defense offered sportswriters the chance to make gratuitous puns. The hometown side folded, spindled, and mutilated the visiting Pitts ... More >>

Strong Female Characters

All things considered, a few more candlesticks would have helped out at Candlestick​If nothing else, yesterday's lights-out performance by the San Francisco 49ers' defense offered sportswriters the chance to make gratuitous puns. The hometown side folded, spindled, and mutilated the visiting Pitts ... More >>

Howard Eskin Lucks Out -- There Is a San Francisco Back East!

Howard Eskin won't have to wander far from his fan base after all...​Yesterday we reported on one Howard Eskin, a Philadelphia "radio personality" who felt so strongly the Eagles would top the 49ers he swore to bike from Philly to San Francisco if the opposite came to pass. Naturally, it did; it's ... More >>

Howard Eskin, Cocky Sports Reporter, Pledges to Bike from Philly to San Francisco

​Howard Eskin, a Philly-based veteran Eagles reporter, used his token phrase "cold mortal lock" to describe the Eagles' prospects against the 49ers in Sunday's game.But his 60-year-old knees may be feeling their own "cold mortal lock" if he winds up following through with a promise he made on the ... More >>

Alex Smith: We've Still Got Him to Kick Around

Do the Vitamin Water people think this is going to help move the product? ​For San Francisco sports fans, the news that Carlos Beltran may soon be heading to town was tempered somewhat by the fact he could conceivably be rooming with Alex Smith. For parts of six maddening years, Smith has been the ... More >>

Candlestick Park Will Likely Sack the City for Millions

Do the Vitamin Water people think this is going to help move the product? ​For San Francisco sports fans, the news that Carlos Beltran may soon be heading to town was tempered somewhat by the fact he could conceivably be rooming with Alex Smith. For parts of six maddening years, Smith has been the ... More >>

U-Visa: Illegal Immigrants Become Legal Residents Via Crime Victimization

Do the Vitamin Water people think this is going to help move the product? ​For San Francisco sports fans, the news that Carlos Beltran may soon be heading to town was tempered somewhat by the fact he could conceivably be rooming with Alex Smith. For parts of six maddening years, Smith has been the ... More >>

49ers President Jed York Likes Mayor Ed Lee, But Is It Enough to Keep The Team in S.F.?

Some love to hate him​The stylistic differences between former Mayor Gavin Newsom and the current Mayor Ed Lee are too many to list here. Yet the one distinct deviation certainly worth noting is their relationship with 49ers president Jed York.Lee reportedly met with the 49ers president yesterday ... More >>

Jack Davis Birthday Bash: Sodomized With a Whiskey Bottle, Who Could Forget

When vodka doesn't do it for you... ​It's hard to believe that the Examiner today reports on the "repercussions" of the 1997 Jack Davis birthday bash without mentioning the most damning of all the party antics: A man being sodomized with a Jack Daniel's bottle.Or is it hard to believe? After all, ... More >>

Trent Baalke Is 49ers' GM. Quelle Surprise!

Huh. Didn't see that coming. ​Yesterday, the San Francisco 49ers concluded their comprehensive search for a new general manager without leaving the training facility. In-house favorite Trent Baalke was hired to fill the vacant position -- a move only slightly less predictable than the plotline of ... More >>

Who Is Jim Tomsula?

A long ascent to the top for the 49ers new coach...​It would be something of a given to note that Jim Tomsula, the San Francisco 49ers interim head coach, is not exactly a household name. A number of articles have seen fit to mention that his name is pronounced with the accent on the second syllab ... More >>

Christmas Sale: Save One Cent! (PIC)

Real savings! ​The 49ers have delivered fans a lump of coal this season. Believe us, we know. So, perhaps retailers need to give customers a bit of an extra incentive to buy Niners jerseys. And a downtown San Francisco store that shall remain nameless has done just that. Other establishments might ... More >>

49ers Never Had 'Rivalry' With Rams

The Rams were good ... but the 49ers were the best​Heading into Sunday's nifty 49ers win over the St. Louis Rams, local TV stations showed plenty of nostalgia-inducing clips of Roger Craig high-stepping, Joe Montana hurling slant after slant to Jerry Rice, and Carlton Williamson or Ronnie Lott rac ... More >>

Only In S.F.: Gay, Rabbinical School Dropout Deemed Too Conservative

​In recent weeks, we've pointed out that people are largely free to fornicate on the streets of San Francisco -- but dogs cannot. Prosecutors struggle to convict vandals -- as juries state that graffiti is not vandalism, but "art." So, along those lines, only in San Francisco could a gay, rabbinic ... More >>

49ers-Broncos Game in London Shaping Up to Be Epic Stinkbomb

No matter what, a Smith will be the 49ers' QB​The announcement that Troy Smith will be under center for the 49ers in their forthcoming "home" contest vs. the Denver Broncos in London seals the deal: This may be the worst thing we've ever done to the British since convincing them to join us on our ... More >>

Let It Bleed

The city is awash in red ink, thanks to billion-dollar benefit giveaways and our politicians' lack of will.

Adios, Jimmy Raye. Hello to More 49ers Failure.

Jimmy Raye, told to turn in his playbook​Not long after the San Francisco 49ers' latest debacle, embattled offensive coordinator Jimmy Raye was fired. Fans are left to ponder if his final exit from 49er headquarters was a predicable run up the middle, easily sniffed out by the defense. Sadly, Raye ... More >>

Mayoral candidate Harold Miller's eye-catching advice on race relations

Jimmy Raye, told to turn in his playbook​Not long after the San Francisco 49ers' latest debacle, embattled offensive coordinator Jimmy Raye was fired. Fans are left to ponder if his final exit from 49er headquarters was a predicable run up the middle, easily sniffed out by the defense. Sadly, Raye ... More >>

Mayoral Candidate Harold Miller Wants to Teach Asians to 'Look Blacks in the Eye'

​An unknown number of San Franciscans received an introduction to one Harold Miller yesterday, when the little-known mayoral candidate sent out an e-mail illuminating the masses on just how he'd clean up this town. When Miller rails against the "crazy laws the Board of Supervisors put on the books ... More >>

Her House Divided

The most powerful female politician in the country now teeters between long-term victory and instant defeat.

List: S.F. bans water, pets, and ... LOLcats?

The most powerful female politician in the country now teeters between long-term victory and instant defeat.

Joe Montana Just Another Wealthy Empty-Nester Moving to San Francisco

The atypical Joe Montana...​In almost every respect, Joe Montana is not typical. Typical men aren't deified in their own lifetimes. Typical men don't have four Super Bowl rings. Typical men don't talk about going upstairs to masturbate in a pantheon-level Saturday Night Live-sketch.  But, in ... More >>

List: The best democracy money can buy

The atypical Joe Montana...​In almost every respect, Joe Montana is not typical. Typical men aren't deified in their own lifetimes. Typical men don't have four Super Bowl rings. Typical men don't talk about going upstairs to masturbate in a pantheon-level Saturday Night Live-sketch.  But, in ... More >>

49ers' Exit Would Save SF Money

Chris Roberts/SF Appeal.comWhatever​Added to the burgeoning pile of "pros" in a San-Francisco-49ers-departing-San-Francisco pro-con list is this snippet, courtesy of The Examiner: should the football team play its home games in Santa Clara (the city in which the team already spends 340 days a year ... More >>

There Was an Election Last Night. As if You Gave a ****

At least Coakley's people hit the streets. And that dude​ San Francisco, there was an election last night. And you went to the polls. Or at least some of you did. You also went to happy hour, the laundromat, or maybe the refrigerator. Wherever you went, whatever you did, three out of four of you f ... More >>

City's Plan to Keep 49ers: Wait and Hope Team, Santa Clara Are Broke

We'll spare you the football jargon, but suffice to say the San Francisco 49ers took a huge step towards saying goodbye to Candlestick Park on Tuesday night. Voters in Santa Clara approved at the ballot a land lease deal for a proposed $937 million stadium by a nearly 2-to-1 margin. Of that $937 mil ... More >>

Former 49er Roger Craig Has a Fishing Show?

Roger Craig has gone from beating The Fish in Super Bowl XIX to catching them on TV​If you had asked us which member of the San Francisco 49ers glory teams would have his own fishing show, Roger Craig would not have been our first guess, or even our 33rd guess. But, alas, the high-kneed, saucer-ey ... More >>

'Melrose Place' Actress, 49ers Linebacker Among Gavin Newsom's Top Donors

Actress Daphne Zuniga, seen here as 'Princess Vespa,' thinks Gavin Newsom is the best lieutenat governor candidate in the galaxy​As goes Daphne Zuniga goes the lieutenant governor's race -- or so Gavin Newsom would hope. We reported earlier today that San Francisco's mayor has both the internal po ... More >>

Your Dream of Being Injured Playing Pro Football May Not Be Dead

Jim HerdCould this be you? ​San Francisco's participation in the fledgling United Football League was brief -- three home games and some surreal memories of a 90-percent empty AT&T Park populated by fans wearing highlighter-green uniforms. But that's no reason that San Francisco-area old farts ... More >>

'Rally' Today -- in Bar -- To Keep 49ers in S.F.

How much would it be worth to San Francisco to keep plays like this within city limits? ​If ever there's a man to liken shepherding a development to completion in San Francisco to pulling teeth, Mike Antonini is him. He's been a planning commissioner for eight years -- and he's a dentist. So Anton ... More >>

SFuture Shock: Bold predictions for the coming year

How much would it be worth to San Francisco to keep plays like this within city limits? ​If ever there's a man to liken shepherding a development to completion in San Francisco to pulling teeth, Mike Antonini is him. He's been a planning commissioner for eight years -- and he's a dentist. So Anton ... More >>

The Worst-Run Big City in the U.S.

Spend more. Get less. We’re the city that knows how.

Assessing Our Leaders' Turkey-Serving Skills

This turkey was brought to you by...​These days, if you're a San Francisco politician, mover-and-shaker, or athlete, grayish-brown is the suit color of choice. That way you can match your apparel to the inevitable gravy stains incurred in the season's cavalcade of powerful-serving-the-destitute tu ... More >>

It's Your Friday Morning News Quiz!

Happier times. Faster, too.​ Bridge! Bridge! More Bridge! Troubled bridge over water! Didja hear about the bridge? Sigh. Take a news quiz. 1. The city of San Francisco agreed to cough up $250,000 regarding a lawsuit stemming from a 2005 spill in which perhaps 54,000 gallons of what was leaked into ... More >>

Has Any QB Who Stunk As Bad As Alex Smith Gone On To Success With Same Team?

​When the 49ers drafted Alex Smith with the No. 1 overall pick in 2005, I made a bet with anyone who would take my money: Aaron Rodgers would go on to have a better pro career than either Smith or Matt Leinart. Ostensibly the jury is still out -- but I'd say it's a pretty safe bet that at least a ... More >>

It's Your Friday Morning News Quiz!

Justin PageStay classy, San Francisco​Witness intimidation! Religious and sexual harassment! Bacteria-infested sandwiches! If that's the week it was, we're extra glad it's Friday. Also, time for a quiz: 1. Which of the following epithets did Assemblyman Tom Ammiano shout when Gov. Arnold Schwarzen ... More >>

Candlestick Park Trample Victim Lawsuit Isn't First Involving S.F. Police Horse -- But It's the First In a Long Time

​We've written a little bit about Eugene Caldwell, the 78-year-old 49ers fan killed by a runaway police horse last year at Candlestick Park. According to court records, Caldwell's widow and grown children filed suit against a bevy of defendants on April 17; yesterday the Examiner ran a story in wh ... More >>

It's Your Friday Morning News Quiz!

​Life, death, sports, and Froot Loops. That's what kind of a week it was in San Francisco. You know, if you have half as much fun taking this quiz as we had writing it -- then we had twice as much fun as you. On to the quiz: 1. Which of the following statements wasn't uttered by Officer Noel Schwa ... More >>