San Francisco 49ers

49ers Never Had 'Rivalry' With Rams

The Rams were good ... but the 49ers were the best​Heading into Sunday's nifty 49ers win over the St. Louis Rams, local TV stations showed plenty of nostalgia-inducing clips of Roger Craig high-stepping, Joe Montana hurling slant after slant to Jerry Rice, and Carlton Williamson or Ronnie Lott rac ... More >>

Only In S.F.: Gay, Rabbinical School Dropout Deemed Too Conservative

​In recent weeks, we've pointed out that people are largely free to fornicate on the streets of San Francisco -- but dogs cannot. Prosecutors struggle to convict vandals -- as juries state that graffiti is not vandalism, but "art." So, along those lines, only in San Francisco could a gay, rabbinic ... More >>

49ers-Broncos Game in London Shaping Up to Be Epic Stinkbomb

No matter what, a Smith will be the 49ers' QB​The announcement that Troy Smith will be under center for the 49ers in their forthcoming "home" contest vs. the Denver Broncos in London seals the deal: This may be the worst thing we've ever done to the British since convincing them to join us on our ... More >>

Let It Bleed

The city is awash in red ink, thanks to billion-dollar benefit giveaways and our politicians' lack of will.

Adios, Jimmy Raye. Hello to More 49ers Failure.

Jimmy Raye, told to turn in his playbook​Not long after the San Francisco 49ers' latest debacle, embattled offensive coordinator Jimmy Raye was fired. Fans are left to ponder if his final exit from 49er headquarters was a predicable run up the middle, easily sniffed out by the defense. Sadly, Raye ... More >>

Mayoral candidate Harold Miller's eye-catching advice on race relations

Mayoral Candidate Harold Miller Wants to Teach Asians to 'Look Blacks in the Eye'

​An unknown number of San Franciscans received an introduction to one Harold Miller yesterday, when the little-known mayoral candidate sent out an e-mail illuminating the masses on just how he'd clean up this town. When Miller rails against the "crazy laws the Board of Supervisors put on the books ... More >>

Her House Divided

The most powerful female politician in the country now teeters between long-term victory and instant defeat.

List: S.F. bans water, pets, and ... LOLcats?

Joe Montana Just Another Wealthy Empty-Nester Moving to San Francisco

The atypical Joe Montana...​In almost every respect, Joe Montana is not typical. Typical men aren't deified in their own lifetimes. Typical men don't have four Super Bowl rings. Typical men don't talk about going upstairs to masturbate in a pantheon-level Saturday Night Live-sketch.  But, in ... More >>

List: The best democracy money can buy

49ers' Exit Would Save SF Money

Chris Roberts/SF Appeal.comWhatever​Added to the burgeoning pile of "pros" in a San-Francisco-49ers-departing-San-Francisco pro-con list is this snippet, courtesy of The Examiner: should the football team play its home games in Santa Clara (the city in which the team already spends 340 days a year ... More >>

There Was an Election Last Night. As if You Gave a ****

At least Coakley's people hit the streets. And that dude​ San Francisco, there was an election last night. And you went to the polls. Or at least some of you did. You also went to happy hour, the laundromat, or maybe the refrigerator. Wherever you went, whatever you did, three out of four of you f ... More >>

City's Plan to Keep 49ers: Wait and Hope Team, Santa Clara Are Broke

We'll spare you the football jargon, but suffice to say the San Francisco 49ers took a huge step towards saying goodbye to Candlestick Park on Tuesday night. Voters in Santa Clara approved at the ballot a land lease deal for a proposed $937 million stadium by a nearly 2-to-1 margin. Of that $937 mil ... More >>

Former 49er Roger Craig Has a Fishing Show?

Roger Craig has gone from beating The Fish in Super Bowl XIX to catching them on TV​If you had asked us which member of the San Francisco 49ers glory teams would have his own fishing show, Roger Craig would not have been our first guess, or even our 33rd guess. But, alas, the high-kneed, saucer-ey ... More >>

'Melrose Place' Actress, 49ers Linebacker Among Gavin Newsom's Top Donors

Actress Daphne Zuniga, seen here as 'Princess Vespa,' thinks Gavin Newsom is the best lieutenat governor candidate in the galaxy​As goes Daphne Zuniga goes the lieutenant governor's race -- or so Gavin Newsom would hope. We reported earlier today that San Francisco's mayor has both the internal po ... More >>

Your Dream of Being Injured Playing Pro Football May Not Be Dead

Jim HerdCould this be you? ​San Francisco's participation in the fledgling United Football League was brief -- three home games and some surreal memories of a 90-percent empty AT&T Park populated by fans wearing highlighter-green uniforms. But that's no reason that San Francisco-area old farts ... More >>

'Rally' Today -- in Bar -- To Keep 49ers in S.F.

How much would it be worth to San Francisco to keep plays like this within city limits? ​If ever there's a man to liken shepherding a development to completion in San Francisco to pulling teeth, Mike Antonini is him. He's been a planning commissioner for eight years -- and he's a dentist. So Anton ... More >>

SFuture Shock: Bold predictions for the coming year

The Worst-Run Big City in the U.S.

Spend more. Get less. We're the city that knows how.

Assessing Our Leaders' Turkey-Serving Skills

This turkey was brought to you by...​These days, if you're a San Francisco politician, mover-and-shaker, or athlete, grayish-brown is the suit color of choice. That way you can match your apparel to the inevitable gravy stains incurred in the season's cavalcade of powerful-serving-the-destitute tu ... More >>

It's Your Friday Morning News Quiz!

Happier times. Faster, too.​ Bridge! Bridge! More Bridge! Troubled bridge over water! Didja hear about the bridge? Sigh. Take a news quiz. 1. The city of San Francisco agreed to cough up $250,000 regarding a lawsuit stemming from a 2005 spill in which perhaps 54,000 gallons of what was leaked into ... More >>

Has Any QB Who Stunk As Bad As Alex Smith Gone On To Success With Same Team?

​When the 49ers drafted Alex Smith with the No. 1 overall pick in 2005, I made a bet with anyone who would take my money: Aaron Rodgers would go on to have a better pro career than either Smith or Matt Leinart. Ostensibly the jury is still out -- but I'd say it's a pretty safe bet that at least a ... More >>

It's Your Friday Morning News Quiz!

Justin PageStay classy, San Francisco​Witness intimidation! Religious and sexual harassment! Bacteria-infested sandwiches! If that's the week it was, we're extra glad it's Friday. Also, time for a quiz: 1. Which of the following epithets did Assemblyman Tom Ammiano shout when Gov. Arnold Schwarzen ... More >>

Candlestick Park Trample Victim Lawsuit Isn't First Involving S.F. Police Horse -- But It's the First In a Long Time

​We've written a little bit about Eugene Caldwell, the 78-year-old 49ers fan killed by a runaway police horse last year at Candlestick Park. According to court records, Caldwell's widow and grown children filed suit against a bevy of defendants on April 17; yesterday the Examiner ran a story in wh ... More >>

It's Your Friday Morning News Quiz!

​Life, death, sports, and Froot Loops. That's what kind of a week it was in San Francisco. You know, if you have half as much fun taking this quiz as we had writing it -- then we had twice as much fun as you. On to the quiz: 1. Which of the following statements wasn't uttered by Officer Noel Schwa ... More >>

49ers 'Harleyman' To Lead Convoy To Team's Home Opener

Tom TracyHave a cup of joe with 49ers 'Harleyman' Steve Mahoney before the game this Sunday​Barring a miracle, you will not get the chance to play on the field with the San Francisco 49ers. But if you wish to ride the roads with the team's Harley-mounted figurehead -- well, that could happen. Stev ... More >>

It's Your 49ers Season Opener Drinking Game!

Wallowing in nostalgia -- the habit of 49ers fans everywhere...​The San Francisco 49ers' quest to stumble upwards toward mediocrity, reassert their once-proud tradition, and become something more than a gaggle of oversize, sweaty men wearing tight gold pants commences this weekend. Since beer goes ... More >>

Nate Davis Gets Nod as 49ers' No. 3 Quarterback. But, Once Again, Who Is Nate Davis?

​As we noted a little while ago, if San Francisco 49ers coach Mike Singletary was being literal-minded when he famously bellowed "I want winners!" then he's likely to be disappointed. A gambling Web site recently pegged the Niners' odds of winning the Super Bowl at 55-to-1; this means that Sigleta ... More >>

It's Your Friday Morning News Quiz!

¿Dónde está el jefe?​ Normally, a story about Gavin Newsom going to Mexico and "leaking" would be pretty vile. And, depending on your feelings about the mayor, both of these developments could be interpreted as very problematic ... but not in that way.In any event, it's Friday -- you made it. B ... More >>

Are You Ready For Some Football? The Team Is Named 'The California Redwoods.' Still Ready?

Joe EskenaziUFL Commissioner Michael Huyghue smiles while California Redwoods owner Paul Pelosi shows off what is either a large Jolly Rancher candy or his team's road uniform​A superstitious person would have picked up bad, teal and lime green vibes at the just-concluded AT&T Park press confe ... More >>

Help Save San Francisco Parks By Walking Your Ass Off

A. MaleyNothin' beats a walk in the park...Yesterday we wrote about how advocates warn that the state's plan to shut the vast majority of the state's parks could lead to massive encampments, partying, vagrancy, arson, and, perhaps, the world's largest collection of empty beer cans in California's on ... More >>

Newsom's Cajoling on South Bay's 49ers Stadium Plan Comes Off As Desperate Hail Mary

Hut, hut, hikeThese days are just packed for Mayor Gavin Newsom. He just introduced a city financial plan that's a dead cert to induce enough fevered statements about "balancing the budget on the backs of the poor" to make outsiders think the city's indigent population is working on a circus novelty ... More >>

Roto-Nerds of the World Rejoice as Fantasy Football Site Spikes NFL in Court

Can you imagine paying licensing fees to use Alex Smith's stats?Aficionados of Pleistocene-era sports video games may remember how "Player No. 16" on the nameless San Francisco team with crimson uniforms was really good -- but the lack of licensing fees forbade any notion of the terms "Joe Montana," ... More >>

San Francisco Does NOT Win 'Most Photo-Friendly City' Contest -- So We'll Denigrate the Poll (It's a Coping Mechanism)

National Archives 111-SC box 692 329507Has our beauty deserted us? And without it -- what's left? This is not pee-wee soccer. There are winners and losers in life. In the immortal words of Reese Bobby, "If you ain't first, you're last." So, we're chagrined to announce that San Francisco has been nam ... More >>

Gridiron of Dreams: S.F. Man Spends Huge Chunk of Life Savings on Minor League Football Team -- and He's the Running Back

Joe EskenaziQuarterback Dion Pickett, formerly of College of San Mateo, drops back to pass at a Bay Area Buccaneers practice in San Francisco's Hamilton SquareFrom a distance you could hear them laughing and shouting -- a bunch of kids playing football in the park. But with every step closer to Hami ... More >>

Coach Is Who We Think He Is! San Francisco Squad in New Pro Football League Taps Dennis Green as Coach. Is Michael Vick Next?

Dennis Green, who built up a stellar career as a San Francisco 49ers assistant coach, then the head man at Stanford and with the Minnesota Vikings -- only to have much of his reputation obscured when he delivered the most unintentionally hilarious postgame football rant in modern times (above) -- ... More >>

Can 49ers Become Next Mediocre Team to Ride Hot Streak to Super Bowl? Longtime Coach Says NOOOOOOOO!

A good quarterback and the NFL's top receiver -- there's two things the 49ers could useAre the Arizona Cardinals a great team? Hardly. Are they a good team? That's up for debate. But the only question that matters come Sunday is: Are they good enough? Just as Tila Tequila can achieve success and st ... More >>

Scott Linehan, Who Cared So Much for His Family He Couldn't Bear to Bring Them to S.F., Accepts Job in ... Detroit?

We recently wrote about how Scott Linehan was just the latest NFL coach to trot out the ridiculous "It's all about my family" excuse to cover up why he really doesn't want/got bounced from a job. You'll recall that Linehan, the former head coach of the St. Louis Rams, flew to San Francisco and engag ... More >>

Edgar Allan Poe -- Who Never Visited San Francisco and May Never Even Have Thought of It -- Would be 200 Today

It seems so right. It should have been true. Edgar Allan Poe, his jaw taut and his eyes bloodshot, ought to have been wandering along a foggy San Francisco alley upon a midnight dreary, pondering weak and weary. Alas, 'twas not the case. Poe -- who would have been 200 today (and barely made a fifth ... More >>

For a Football Coach, a Family Is a Wonderful Thing -- You Can Blame Them for Everything

Over the weekend, Scott Linehan, the 49ers' preferred choice to coordinate the team's once-proud (read: Not so proud anymore) offense surprised the team by offering the thanks-but-no-thanks. Turning down the job was an eyebrow-raiser -- but not so much as the excuse he offered: "The timing isn't rig ... More >>

Like Football? Good at Glad-Handing? Want a Boss Who Enjoys Dropping His Pants in Crowds? Come Work For the 49ers!

Can you put a good spin on this? Then answer the Niners' ad!Do you have a degree in journalism? Do you have at least eight years as a public relations professional? Are you a skilled public speaker? And do you enjoy working around men who disrobe in front of the media and are led by a man who disrob ... More >>

Whether 49ers Prosper or Piddle Out, It's All Due to a Single Lucky Play

The wrong man catches a desperate heave late in a meaningless contest between two losing teams ... and it changes everything. By Joe EskenaziWith the first NFL playoff weekend in the book, we can safely say this: You really don't have to be all that good to make the postseason these days. So while i ... More >>

Farewell Joe Starkey, the World's Greatest Bad Announcer

Longtime 49ers announcer managed to be great without being good By Joe Eskenazi Scientific data does not exist to back my claim -- a grant application is pending -- but I believe that "Road House" is, quantifiably, the best bad movie of all-time. It stars Patrick Swayze as a legendary bouncer bro ... More >>

"Speaking of Responsibility, We've Taken It;" "Everything the 49ers Have Asked Us to Do, We've Done," - the Wit and Wisdom of Gavin Newsom on the economy

By Benjamin Wachs What's that, you say? Didn't Gavin already give a Newsom-isode on the economy? Well, yes, but that was the "Economic Climate." This is the Newsom-isode on "Economic Development." What's the difference? Well, one kind of tells you what Gavin plans to do, and the other kind o ... More >>

The Weekend Hitlist: Mountain Goats, Exotic Erotics and A Big Benefit

Plan Your Culinary Rocktober

October book events: Litquake, Spain Rodriguez, and Stuff White People Like.

And the Primary Results are In

SF Weekly's Seven Day Dish