Super Bowl

San Francisco Bay Area Will Host Super Bowl L in 2016

The Bay Area will host Superbowl L in 2016. The decision, voted on by NFL team owners today, was not much of a surprise. The league has been eager to reward franchises that build new stadiums-- the 49ers, whose $1.2 billion Santa Clara stadium will open in 2014, follow in the recent footsteps of the ... More >>

Ten of the Raiders' Last 12 First Round Picks Are no Longer on the Team

In the 2000 NFL Draft, the Oakland Raiders used their first-round pick to select Sebastian Janikowski, a damn kicker. People laughed. People taunted. People thought the Raiders were crazy. And that would turn out to be one of the team's smarter first-round picks. This week, the Raiders released D ... More >>

America's Cup: A Novel Take on Vastly Scaled-Back Expectations

Most San Franciscans picking up the paper the day after the Super Bowl would be reading sad headlines about the 49ers' agonizing loss. That's bad. But, hypothetically, those headlines could have noted that the city had been spared an expensive and destructive post-win riot. That's ... good? This is ... More >>

Loser Pudding: Jell-O Celebrates 49ers' Loss

City Librarian Luis Herrera Recites "The Raven" After Losing Super Bowl Bet

Last week was a dreary week in San Francisco, full of weak and weary souls unable to forget that bleak game in which their proud team's championship hopes ended up as dying embers. Sorrow for the lost Super Bowl! A second championship celebration within four months in front of City Hall's door? Neve ... More >>

49ers Super Bowl Loss Turns Into Victory for Needy Families Across the Globe

Chin up football fans, the 49ers defeat isn't a total loss. We know your heartbroken that those pre-made Niners Super Bowl championship T-shirts and sweatshirts, bought by retailers in hopes that they could capitalize on a Super Bowl win, won't be on your backs. But they are going to families in n ... More >>

Letter to Baltimore: SF Weekly Loses a Bet

Super Bowl XLVII: 5 Things That Can Fuel a Good Venting Session for 49ers Fans

There are plenty of legitimate reasons the 49ers lost the Super Bowl. The 49ers couldn't stop the Ravens on 3rd down. The Ravens offensive line dominated the 49ers defensive line, which appeared helpless on every short yardage first down conversion. Donte Whitner was targeted and exposed as a marg ... More >>

Super Bowl Losers Offered Mediocre Desserts

It's a gray day in tattered titletown, as men and women in grungy Niners hats, jerseys, and -- we're guessing -- red-and-gold undergarments sloppily stagger home through the chilly fog. There are any number of ways to begin overcoming the chemical and emotional effects of yesterday's Super Bowl loss ... More >>

Drown Your 49ers-Related Sorrows in JELL-O Pudding Tomorrow

Ah, the misguided marketing efforts of major corporations -- like this rather stupid promotion from JELL-O for sad 49ers fans. "While San Francisco may not have won the trophy in tonight's big game, they will be getting a cup... of JELL-O pudding," begins the press release, which promises cups of f ... More >>

Super Bowl XLVII: Damn It.

Super Bowl weekend is not yet an official national holiday, so at some point this morning, the great majority of San Francisco adults had to toss off the covers, grit through the behind-the-eyes headache, pull on some pants, and step into a cold, cold world. This week, we will hear lots of calls fo ... More >>

In 49ers Win on Sunday, Colin Kaepernick Will Get Free Red Robin For Life

Awwww well this is kind of adorable. Apparently 49ers quarterback Colin Kaepernick is a professed fan of Red Robin, and the chain has taken out an ad in the Chronicle offering him free food for life if the 49ers win the Super Bowl on Sunday. Even better, Red Robins in the Bay Area will be offering 2 ... More >>

San Francisco and Baltimore Librarians Wager on Super Bowl -- Poetry Is at Stake

The libraries have gotten in on the action. It was only a matter of time. The Super Bowl is basically a proxy battle between two cities -- co-headliners, standing face-to-face, flexing muscles like boxers at a pre-fight weight-in, compared and contrasted for two weeks of hype, overlayed by montages ... More >>

best halftime shows at candlestick park

Harbaugh vs. Harbaugh: What Are the Odds?

The Amazing Kaepernick: Play-Faking the Culture

Facebook Proves That Americans Want the 49ers to Win the Super Bowl

It's Super Bowl week -- a week that divides America like no time other than Presidential election week. There are the longtime 49ers fans and longtime Ravens fans. There are fans whose rooting interests are directly tied to which side of the betting line they put their money on. There are temporary ... More >>

Chris Culliver's Anti-Gay Rant Eerily Reminiscent of Garrison Hearst's Anti-Gay Rant

Earlier today, we wrote about how, according to Facebook users' "like" selections, the vast majority of the nation is pulling for the 49ers in the upcoming Super Bowl. Well, that all may change. San Francisco cornerback Chris Culliver told us what he really thinks when it comes to sharing the locker ... More >>

Jerry Rice and Tim Brown Claim Bill Callahan Sabotaged Super Bowl XXXVII

It's that wonderful time of the year again. Super Bowl double week. Time to reflect upon Super Bowls past, basking in the NFL Films nostalgia of legendary performances and epic games. Remember Marcus Allen swerving around the Redskins defense before hitting light speed for 74 yards? Remember Montana ... More >>

49ers v. Falcons: Do It For Garrison Hearst

Most of us remember the last time the 49ers played a playoff game in Atlanta. It was the game after "The Catch II," when Terrell Owens -- after dropping several passes all game -- held on to a Jeff Garcia laser that vaulted the Niners over the hated Green Bay Packers in January 1999. But that's n ... More >>

Kaepernick Fever: So Hot the Road Team Is Favored Over the Top-Seeded Home Team

The Niners' NFC Championship game against the Atlanta Falcons features a rarity in football gambling: the Falcons, the home team and the NFC's number one seed, will play the game as the underdog. When the line opened on Monday morning, San Francisco was a 3-point favorite. By Tuesday evening, the ... More >>

Bay Area Cat Craps in Litter Box Marked With Mitt Romney's Name

We already know how Bay Area dogs feel about Mitt Romney, but nobody considered the cat vote until now. NBC brings this phenomenal election report about Mr. Nuts, a Fremont feline who took a dump on Mitt Romney, thus predicting Obama's victory tonight. The cat's owner, Michael Ostrofsky, gave Mr. Nu ... More >>

Super Bowl L: Mayor Lee Makes Dubious Claims of Economic Boost

Peyton Manning: A Move With No Middle Ground

​The intriguing news that San Francisco may indeed be Peyton's Place is that rarest of things -- a true all-or-nothing gamble. There is no in-between when it comes to signing -- or perhaps even chasing -- Peyton Manning. Either the 49ers will contend for a title or the aging, brittle Manning ... More >>

Adieu, 49ers: San Francisco, Team to File for Divorce

For those with Kezar Stadium memories, losing the 49ers hurts. So does knowing the city can no longer afford the team.​Following that rarest of things -- a Super Bowl that came down to the final snap -- New England Patriots fans will be endlessly playing over the events in their minds. If only tha ... More >>

The Super Bowl Prostitution Hoax

Indianapolis mobilizes for an epic battle with an urban legend.

49ers Pissed Away Super Bowl Berth. Accept This, and Move On.

​It may stagger longtime 49ers fans to comprehend it, but children born the season the team last won a Super Bowl are now able to buy cigarettes, vote, and sleep with whomever they choose. And yet, it's a testament to the utter dominance of the Niners of yore that older fans still feel entitled wh ... More >>

49ers Faithfuls, It's Armageddon Sunday at Candlestick Park

​Take it from a Bears fan, there ain't no better rivalry in football, maybe in all of professional sports, than the San Francisco 49ers and the New York Giants. No two teams have had so many epic battles, so many knock-down, drag-out fights, as the 49ers and Giants. Both teams have to be among t ... More >>

49ers-Giants: The Biggest Games

It's hard to be nostalgic when you don't remember anything. It's also hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything. Vernon Davis, who made what is being dubbed "The Catch III," was several years shy of being born when Dwight Clark made "The Catch." But fans -- we remember. We remember every ... More >>

Donald Rumsfeld Calls Oakland Raiders 'Evil'

Is this the face of evil?​In a recent interview that just so happened to take place on Super Bowl Sunday, Donald Rumsfeld -- who was notoriously regarded as callous during his term as Defense Secretary during George W. Bush's Iraq War -- dropped another "evildoer" reference. But this time he was t ... More >>

Are You Prepared for Some Football?

Jerry Rice -- My Favorite Memory

Gracias, Jerry​With Jerry Rice, San Francisco 49ers fans had it all. The best player with the best work ethic playing for the best team. It was, well, the best. Rice will be inducted into the pro football Hall of Fame tomorrow. But for your humble narrator, utter the words "Jerry Rice" and a very ... More >>

Joe Montana Just Another Wealthy Empty-Nester Moving to San Francisco

The atypical Joe Montana...​In almost every respect, Joe Montana is not typical. Typical men aren't deified in their own lifetimes. Typical men don't have four Super Bowl rings. Typical men don't talk about going upstairs to masturbate in a pantheon-level Saturday Night Live-sketch.  But, in ... More >>

Last Night: The Dirty Dozen Brass Band at the Independent

Joseph Schell​The Dirty Dozen Brass BandTuesday, Feb. 16, 2010The IndependentBetter Than: being anywhere else on Fat Tuesday after The Saints won the Superbowl.Anything goes on Fat Tuesday: whether it's decking yourself in feather boas, sequin masks, the shiniest/cheapest bead-ware, or leopard pri ... More >>

Super Bowl Sunday at Bloodhound: Eat Spit-Roasted Hog

Jared Z./Yelp​Somewhere along the streets of Pigtown, perhaps at the slovenly post office or the scraps-stocked general store, there is a wanted poster bearing Ryan Farr's face. The guy behind 4505 Meats has made his bones whittling whatever he can off those of pigs, typically plump, happy, he ... More >>

It's Your Raiders Season Opener Drinking Game -- And You Might Need It

Nostalgia alert!​Tonight at 7:15, an Oakland Raiders team that has found ways to embarrass its home city in ways violent crime rates and a reputation for danger and lawlessness could not, host the San Diego Chargers in a Monday Night Football opener. The Chargers are a stacked team that some consi ... More >>

Nate Davis Gets Nod as 49ers' No. 3 Quarterback. But, Once Again, Who Is Nate Davis?

​As we noted a little while ago, if San Francisco 49ers coach Mike Singletary was being literal-minded when he famously bellowed "I want winners!" then he's likely to be disappointed. A gambling Web site recently pegged the Niners' odds of winning the Super Bowl at 55-to-1; this means that Sigleta ... More >>

Does 'CHP' Stand for 'Can't Help Punning'?

Y'know Ponch, if Marshall McLuhan is right and 'The medium is the message' -- then any advice we give to high school kids probably won't be received warmlyPoor California Highway Patrol -- they just want us to drive safely, be considerate, and, would it kill us to occasionally compliment them on the ... More >>

So, God Told Kurt Warner to Spurn the 49ers. What Else Did The Almighty Say?

Janine KahnArizona Cardinals quarterback and devout Christian Kurt Warner briefly considered joining the San Francisco 49ers this week, but while he was visiting the Bay Area God apparently told Warner to forget it. "I told my wife probably 45 minutes into it that I just felt God say 'You're suppose ... More >>

News You Can Use: No, Virginia, There Is No Increase in Domestic Violence on Super Bowl Sunday

Put on a shirt and keep your hands to yourself!Every year around this time, you hear two sickening things about the Super Bowl: A nationwide halftime stampede to the toilet overwhelms local sewage plants;A nationwide orgy of beer-drinking and high-stakes football induces a cavalcade of domestic viol ... More >>

Can 49ers Become Next Mediocre Team to Ride Hot Streak to Super Bowl? Longtime Coach Says NOOOOOOOO!

A good quarterback and the NFL's top receiver -- there's two things the 49ers could useAre the Arizona Cardinals a great team? Hardly. Are they a good team? That's up for debate. But the only question that matters come Sunday is: Are they good enough? Just as Tila Tequila can achieve success and st ... More >>

CHP Urges Sobriety on Super Bowl Sunday (Smart) With Series of Strained Football Puns (Silly)

'I don't know, Ponch, you think all these football puns will convince people to avoid getting a DUI?'Broaching a serious subject via humorous means is often a dicey proposition. Play it too light and no one notices the wit; play it too heavy and you've trivialized your subject. Truly, it requires a ... More >>

Offensive Line

Numbers guy and Stanford MBA Paraag Marathe has become a scapegoat for the 49ers' failure, but he's really the future of the NFL

Quite the Catch

Montana's Excellence

Drop a Bomb

Custom cars are really hoppin'

Fool's Golf

Your own private Caddyshack

Inner Demons

They're S.F.'s new pro football team. They've got second-rate players, an untested product, and a concept with a history of failure. But that's OK -- they have a great marketing plan.

Unspun

Letters

Hook, Line, & Stinker

Everyone loves the 49ers. But even love has its limits. Are taxpayers willing to subsidize millionaire owner Eddie DeBartolo Jr.'s dreams of a new stadium when economists say it's a bad deal