What lies ahead? Will it be a modern-day Roman orgy, with performers re-enacting high (or low) moments from their movies? Will I see actual naked buttocks? Maybe it's just a bunch of nice folks letting their hair down for a fun, down-home night out. Tonight average guys can mingle with the performers they've seen on videos -- only here the viewers won't have their pants down around their ankles.
There'd be little point in attending such an event if one weren't going to be granted full VIP porn perks. It's best to attend by posing as a true porn megastar, rather than as just an average porn-consuming citizen.
That's why when venturing to a gala porn-awards show, do like I did and prepare beforehand by creating the proper persona who will get full props from his porn peers.
Persona: Dieter Leitershvantz -- famous porn star from Germany.
Specialty: Has a "shvantz" shaped like a pretzel.
Movies to his credit: The Naughty Frau, Loaded Lederhosen.
Outfit: Tight polyester trousers with a sock stuffed down the front, open tuxedo shirt, many gold chains, and underneath, tiger-striped bikini briefs (to feel the part deep down inside).
What else?: A business card that says "Dieter Leitershvantz -- famous porn star from Germany."
"Dieter ich here!" I announce on arrival in order to clear a porn welcome path.
I hope there's free food. Perhaps porn d'oeuvres (hot dogs and tacos). And corn (because it rhymes with "porn").
Inside it's a parade of people who need entirely too much attention. Girls in high skirts rub against their companions. Old, sleazy fat guys have young silicon-enhanced creatures dangling on their arms. Most of the audience members are males.
Cameramen surround two vixens named Amber and Scandalous, who caress each other's buttocks while making twisted "throes of passion" faces (could these two women be porn stars?). You can tell the ones in the crowd who aren't porn stars; they have the real breasts.
I strut my stuff. "Dieter loves the naked Fraus!"
"Show me some love," shouts a photographer as two tarts with zeppelinlike structures emitting from their chests lick each other's "meat pillows" at the bar.
The men of porn are slightly ridiculous (but not as ridiculous as Dieter!). They dress like "loin tamers" and magicians. I follow a woman, who's neglected to wear knickers, up a long staircase. Dieter imagines this is what all nightclubs would be like if Nazi Germany had won the war.
A "pornlette" named Midori is scantily clad but carries a Hello Kitty backpack filled with her glossy photos, which she autographs. She also lets picture-takers kiss her fake bosoms.
"Ja! Dieter is your biggest fan!"
Midori is delighted.
"We love you in Germany!"
I'm given a signed photo.
"Dieter has starred in Naughty Fraus Volume 3."
We make a professional connection. I've made a new porn friend! We swap business cards (this is called networking!). Walking away, I admire Midori's picture. It shows her being penetrated in every possible orifice. I'm finding porn starlets to be a very unpretentious bunch. How can they possibly be pretentious, when most people here have seen them with a fist up their bottom?
As disco hits of the '70s play, I pass a chick with a snake around her neck talking to a girthy guy sweating profusely from the forehead.
Amidst all the debauchery is an elderly couple. They're, like, 80 years old. Why are they here? Are they someone's porn parents?! ("We're so proud of our little girl for winning Best Anal Scene!") I need to know more.
"Ja. Are you from Germany?" I ask.
"No, San Diego. We come to the awards every year." The old guy holds my elbow as he talks to me. "We believe in showing our support for the First Amendment right of free speech."
"Aaah. Then you shall one day check out my movie Loaded Lederhosen!"
He contemplates it. "I know this event's for a more younger, wilder crowd, so I hope you don't mind us old people here."
Grandpa still holds my elbow.
"We have a pool. If you ever come down to San Diego, come and visit. We have a pool."
My first VIP porn perk of the evening! Thank God, I'm finally given my elbow back!
The actual awards are the dullest part of the evening, hosted by an MC who looks like an out-of-shape social studies teacher.
"We have an interesting show for you tonight." His microphone is barely audible. "You're going to see professional performances by the people you love!"
The crowd goes apeshit. Then he adds: "They're not just pieces of meat. They're real human beings. If you want to get off, buy their DVD!"
Great! This is going to be a nonnaked porn talent show. With that said, a woman in a Viking helmet and cape comes out and does a choreographed dance to a Van Halen song. Not only is she not a piece of meat, she's also not very talented. And so it is with the next act: A woman wearing practically dental floss does what looks like a weird, snakelike pelvis dance to an AC/DC song.
The MC yells, "Do you want it?! Do you want it?!" He gets a Pavlovian reaction. Pelvis woman finally gets her meat pillows out. These two breasts are truly enormous. George Lucas might have built this pair. These fake breasts scare me!
The major disappointment of the evening is the lack of film clips. The Mistresses of Ceremonies announce the first award, Male Favorite. The winner's nowhere to be found.
"You've earned this! I know he's here."
Still no sign of him. If I won a top porn award, I think I'd be ready to accept it. Finally, a huge black man comes onstage and gives a speech that inspires.
"Damn! This means a lot to me, 'cause it comes from you all! I do it for you all. I love you all. Peace! Real! Love you all! Peace!"
Peace yourself! Wow, all that on-camera humping was done for us! That is cool!
The next winner is T.T. Boy. He's also nowhere to be found (can't these porn stars get their shit together?!).
It's time to utilize my porn persona and get my VIP perks. This time it will come under the guise of receiving a major porn industry award! Thinking fast, I go back to the stage door. I approach the mammoth bouncer.
"I'm T.T. Boy! I need my award!"
He eyeballs me. "Where's your wristband?"
This is where fast thinking comes into play.
"I don't have one because I'm T.T. Boy: Male Porno Performer of the Year!"
The real T.T. Boy suddenly appears onstage. I make my excuses and slink off. T.T. Boy also gives a speech to inspire: "Wow! [Pause.] I remember when I was a fan seven years ago. Wow! [Longer pause.] Talk to you later!" (He's not exactly paid to be articulate.)
The most important award, Video Vixen, is presented to a starlet who looks like Jenny McCarthy gone bad with really tired eyes.
"I want to thank all the fans, because we love you!"
She raises her award. We get a momentary glimpse of white cotton panties beneath her short skirt. I'm led to theorize that without a few lucky breaks, both Jenny McCarthy and Pam Anderson would both have been nominated tonight.
A short, weaselly guy (looking like a long-haired version of Woody Allen) seems to be harassing most of the pornlettes. I follow him.
"What's your connection to tonight's event?" I inquire.
"I'm a casting director. I've cast a lot of the women here tonight."
This man has one of the sleaziest jobs known to humanity.
"How did you get started?"
He gets serious. "I began five years ago as a towel boy. Then I worked in lube."
Working in lube?! Is that like being a best boy, like you see in the credits?
I question him about the casting process.
"If I don't know the actress, she'll come, get naked, and then --"
We're interrupted by a starlet who hugs him.
"Here's one of the girls I cast!" Woody says.
Apparently they worked together on Edward Penishands, Gush 2, and Saving Ryan's Privates.
She's joined by her porn boyfriend.
"We met when he was my leading man!" she says.
That's probably the most romantic story I've ever heard! I ask why she likes the business.
"Because I love sex!!!"
Ahhh, I see the connection: sex. Porn. The couple leave for a porn party. Woody looks at me.
"Yeah, they don't care about me, and I don't care about them. That's all right!"
I feel like giving this scumbag a big hug. I tell Woody I'm interested in doing a series of pornographic bowling videos. He seems excited and gives me his card.
I glance onstage, where a daredevil is lighting various erotic body parts on fire in a circus fashion. Rounding a corner, a girl in a tightfitting short dress yells, "Are you an actor?"
I'm highly flattered. There's only one way to respond: "Ja! From Germany. They call me 'Ein Wiener Schnitzel' ['The Sausage']!" I spout with indignation.
She is obviously out of her head on Ecstasy. I tell her about my hit movie Loaded Lederhosen. She takes my hand (could this is be my future porn bride?!). I'm led to the stairs.
"Here, get your picture taken with me!"
She lies by my feet and pulls up her skirt, fully exposing her pierced "cootchie." A Japanese camera crew goes into a frenzy of photography (now all of Japan will know about "Ein Wiener Schnitzel"!). I've finally gained porn clout.
But it doesn't end there -- by simply dressing the part, I'm invited to a porn party. I'm given the number of a casting agent (it's probably Woody), and I get contacts for my pornographic bowling video!
Yes, the next time a porn award show comes to your town, simply dress the part and you can start on your new career; a career filled with a bunch of fun-loving, well-adjusted folks, living out their lifelong dreams in Van Nuys, Calif.
Harmon Leon is the author of Republican Like Me: Infiltrating Red-State, White-Ass, and Blue-Suit America.