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January 25, 2008 Slideshows » Film

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John Rambo's Top Ten Ways to Kill a Man 

10. Vehicle-mounted heavy machine gun. It doesnt matter if youre taking on foot soldiers, an attack helicopter, or a motorized brigade, the vehicle-mounted heavy machine gun is, according to Rambo, the most effective way for a single man sans artillery to cause massive specific damage. In fact, Rambo says, with a vehicle-mounted heavy machine gun, one man is worth one hundred on the battle field (or garage roof).
9. Microphone. Seriously, it works. Aim for the back of the skull and strike several times.
8. Electrified bed. Theyre hard to put together these days, as metal-spring beds are increasingly uncommon, but, if you happen to find one, Rambo suggests you skip using a generator in favor of a quick burst of deadly electricity found in a car battery. However, the electrified bed is generally used as a torture rack and Rambo, a US soldier once held in a POW camp, cannot condone any form of torture. Therefore, use the electrified bed as a booby trap and only a booby trap.
7. Your hands. Youd be shocked by how effective your very own hands can be as tools of death. For example, Rambo points out it only takes fifteen pounds of pressure to break the human neck. If you happen to have a strong stomach and time to waste on your victim, you might also consider a tracheotomy. First, silence the Burmese soldier or, say, your neighbor, by placing your non-dominant hand over his screaming mouth, then apply your dominant hand to his trachea. Squeeze slowly, then pull.
6. Grenade. The grenade is effective for dispersing large groups of foreign soldiers or backyard parties still raging well after midnight. It can also be rigged with wire as an effective booby trap, much more effective and, more importantly, predictable than wooden spikes. Note: The Molotov cocktail is considered the poor mans grenade, a favorite amongst the masses as far back as the Spanish Civil War. Rambo is not above using them, and you shouldnt be either.
5. Military attack vehicles. Rambo admits the average man might have trouble emulating him with regards to this, but, if you do find yourself behind the wheel of a tank or attack helicopter, youll be in a far better position than you will be with any of the other tips on this list. Unless, of course, your target has explosive-tipped arrows. If he doesnt, shell or missile him to pieces.
4. Machete. The machete harkens back to mans early days when weapons were crude and the determination to kill was more dangerous. It can be used to lop off limbs, but thats an inefficient manner of execution given how long it will take your victim to bleed to death. Think about it; he still has other limbs to try to kill you back with. Because of this, Rambo insists decapitation should be the aimed-for result of picking up your machete.
3. Explosive-tipped arrows. For when the traditional arrowhead will just not do for example, when taking on a Russian attack helicopter Rambo recommends a tried and true favorite, the explosive-tipped arrow. These, like grenades, cause massive damage, but, more especially, are an excellent way to take out Vietnamese soldiers who have shot your love interest.
2. Bowie knife. Aside from #1, Rambo can imagine no other piece of equipment as indispensable to a one-man military assault as the bowie knife. Edged melee weapon, check. Wire cutter, check. Compass, check. First aid kit, check. It can even be used as a ranged weapon, thrown into a chest or neck or, if you have time to prepare, tied as a spearhead to a branch. The bowie knifes greatest benefits are at close quarters, though, where youll be able to eviscerate targets. Tip #1: Stab quickly to the gut area, then twist, thereby splitting bowels. Tip #2: Given how tip #1s damage is primarily internal, for those pesky targets that deserve especially gruesome deaths, stab into the side and, with a quick pull, draw the bowie knife across the abdominal wall then hop backwards to avoid the entrails that will splash at your feet.
And 1. The Compound Bow. The compound bow remains Rambos favorite weapon, primarily because of the atavistic feel of it in his primal hands. Collapsible units will do, though they must be easy to assemble under pressure (read: gunfire). Advantages include being able to kill silently and, for the inexperienced killer, from a safe distance. Additional tip: Aim for the skull, as a body hit will likely leave your target able to scream for help or possibly escape.
10/10
And 1. The Compound Bow. The compound bow remains Rambos favorite weapon, primarily because of the atavistic feel of it in his primal hands. Collapsible units will do, though they must be easy to assemble under pressure (read: gunfire). Advantages include being able to kill silently and, for the inexperienced killer, from a safe distance. Additional tip: Aim for the skull, as a body hit will likely leave your target able to scream for help or possibly escape.
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