Olga fits, confidently, across the palm of your hand. The "exclusive 24-karat gold-plated pleasure object" resembles a high-end plumbing fixture; the sort of faucet, one imagines, gracing the bathroom sinks of a kleptocrat's dacha. This pleasure object, however, has some serious heft to it. Olga could easily serve as a murder weapon in a kinky version of Clue: Mrs. Peacock, in the dining room, with the dildo.
Provided you don't affix it to a chain and wear it about your neck, Olga offers staggeringly wealthy San Franciscans the opportunity to — at last — indulge in inconspicuous conspicuous consumption. This dildo goes for $3,490, enough cash to account for a month's rent for a one-bedroom pad in the Mission.
The 24-karat dildo is just one of a quartet of gold-plated sex toys now under lock and key — and insured, you better believe — at Good Vibrations' new Kearny Street location. Crafted by the Swedish company LELO, all four devices come with names sexier to the Scandinavian ear and prices befitting black-market kidneys.
There's Yva, the external vibrator ($3,900); Inez, "the most exclusive vibrator ever created" ($15,000); and Earl, "the most distinguished gentleman's plug in the world" ($2,590). "Earl" is a name more at home embroidered over the left pocket of a bowling shirt than affixed to a "gentleman's plug." Conversely, if you're going to name your "gentleman's plug" Earl, you might as well just go ahead and call it what it is: a butt plug.
Regardless, it's coated in 24-karat gold and could pass as an objet d'art: Earl resembles a shoehorn affixed to Sauron's ring. Charmingly, Earl also comes with a pair of gold cufflinks resembling tiny versions of the butt plug; each one is about the right size to accommodate the backside of a Ken doll.
All told, Good Vibes' Kearny location features a shade under $25,000 (162,204 Swedish Krona) worth of sex toys in a case the size of a hamster ball. Asked if anyone has purchased any of the LELO devices, Good Vibrations' visual merchandise director Mike Korcek replies that a man expressed interest in taking home Earl from the Palo Alto outlet. But no one has yet taken the 24-karat plunge.
In truth, a display of the world's costliest sex toys serves much the same purpose as, say, an exhibition of the world's largest sex toys: elephantine vibrators resembling pneumatic drills or dildos floated down the Columbia River by entire families of lumberjacks.
"It's a draw," concedes Korcek. "They're like museum pieces. Like Fabergé eggs."
Fabergé eggs, however, are far costlier. And suitable for external appreciation only.
Go to sfweekly.com/slideshows for photos of the most expensive things you can put into your body for strictly recreational purposes.