Pride time has rolled around once more, and the crowds of trannies, dykes, and leatherfolk thronging S.F.'s streets need something to keep them busy. Though the month of June's practically stuffed with queer events, things really get going on Friday, with a pick-your-pleasure suite of fetish-friendly fetes. The 12th annual Uniform & Leather Ball features a swing band, buffet dinner, open bar, and hundreds of happy leather- and uniform-clad male and female fetishists schmoozing and cruising. (8 p.m. at the Civic Center Complex, 455 Golden Gate. Admission is $50-60; visit www.sfphoenixuniformclub.com.) If work clothes don't make you woozy, Sexcapades, a sex-positive party for dykes, queers, and trannies, boasts a naughty floor show with a female cop Strip Search Station, full-body piercing booths, and kinky carnival games, including the naked-lady Hula-Hoop ring-toss and human pony rides. (9 p.m. at the Swedish American Hall, 2174 Market. Admission is $15-25; visit www.sfpride.org.)
Saturday's highlight is, of course, the 11th annual Dyke March. A Dolores Park tea dance at 5 p.m. precedes the chaotic tromp through the Mission to Market and Castro. Those desiring post-parade antics can stick around for the free OutLOUD Street Party, a dyke-produced dance bash featuring all-girl DJs and a space for women in the midst of the Castro's boy-heavy Pink Saturday street soiree. (8 p.m. to midnight at Market and Castro. Visit www.outloudsf.org.) If the swing's your thing, you'll want to take in the talent at the Fencesitters Ball, the party that draws hundreds of switch-hitters to Jezebel's Joint's sexy cushioned couches and dark nooks, while DJs keep the goth, industrial, and '70s and '80s dance music cranking. (9 p.m. at Jezebel's Joint, 510 Larkin. Admission is $10, or $8 each for threesomes; call 345-9832 or visit www.jezebelsjointsf.com.)
Don't stay out too late on Saturday night, however -- the San Francisco LGBT Pride Parade starts at 10 a.m. Sunday, half an hour earlier than usual. Come early (around 7 a.m.) if you want a good view of the floats and the fabulosity, including our two grand marshals, comedian Marga Gomez and Tales of the City author Armistead Maupin. The parade route stretches up Market from Beale to Eighth Street, and is expected to draw a crowd of half a million. Thirteen stages, targeting everyone from Radical Faeries to swing dancers, should keep revelers dancing in the streets from noon till who knows when.
-- Joyce Slaton
Science and math -- cheap
Imagine a universe in which chefs were getting laid off right and left, those who remained were forced to cook using only free ingredients -- and children depended on their meals. That's what it's like for a lot of teachers. Fortunately, there's the Iron Science Teacher competition. Using everyday objects as "secret ingredients," educators have 10 minutes to concoct experiments that could be used in a classroom. The chemistry begins at noon at the Exploratorium, 3601 Lyon, S.F. Museum admission is free-$12; call 397-5673.
-- Hiya Swanhuyser
Brothers and Sisters
The first Mass in San Francisco was said 227 years ago at 16th and Dolores streets, and boy, have things changed since then. The stream that once burbled where 18th Street now runs is long gone, as is the Ohlone village of Chutchui and the orchards that stood in this area. But the church remains, and it encourages everyone to honor his own heritage at the Birthday of Mission Dolores, asking visitors to show up "in historic or ethnic costume." Events include an appearance by the consul general of Spain, music by Coro Hispano, and the Ohlone Blessing of the Directions; it all begins at 10 a.m. at 3321 16th St. Admission is free; call 621-8203.
-- Hiya Swanhuyser
United Health Care
For prostitutes and strippers, even a routine physical can seem like the Inquisition. But thanks to the St. James Infirmary, one of the nation's only public clinics to offer health care and social services for sex workers, a trip to the doctor's office doesn't have to be so frightening. Tonight's "ho-down" and fund-raiser, "Naughty Nurses," celebrates the center's four-year anniversary with performances by the ubiquitous Annie Sprinkle, former porn star Sharon Mitchell, and the buff boys of the Nob Hill Cinema. The party starts at 8 p.m. at the DNA Lounge, 375 11th St. (at Folsom), S.F. Admission is $15-50; call 626-1409 or visit www.dnalounge.com.
-- Lisa Hom