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Personal Needs: Tech Dude Seeks Young, Materialistic Women 

Wednesday, Apr 11 2012

With so many tech-industry fellows gadding about, it's little surprise San Francisco was recently named the American city with the greatest number of men eager to be "sugar daddies" to younger women.

Perhaps that explains this personal ad we recently discovered:

Hip but not hipster computer programmer who dabbles in social media marketing and improv theater seeks vegan girl who isn't into prostitution for the money.

You: Must be passionate about composting and only shed tears for Palestine. You're into sex so kinky it makes no sense when it's happening but sounds great when I'm telling my friends. A lifelong feminist when it's convenient, you are committed to fighting against bullying and fat people, though not in that order. You have an active social media presence and will help drive traffic to my Tumblr about Twitter. You hate corporations. You only use Macs. You would probably be a stripper if stripping hadn't gone commercial. You're open-minded. You don't believe in God, but not as much as I don't. Must be Asian in her early 20s, with breasts. You don't care about appearances.

Me: I'm fortysomething, and used to be in a band. You've probably never heard of it, unless you're into music that's not on iTunes. I do programming/marketing/designing/branding for a living, which is the job of the future. I keep in shape by doing yoga and laughing ironically. I am so into girls who are into things. My Myers-Briggs is a YTPK (the rarest kind), and my Enneagram is 6.2. I refuse to eat meat when other people are looking. I could totally have a girlfriend the usual way, but that would involve leaving her attractiveness to chance. This is better, because it lets me use a complicated body recognition algorithm I've developed to determine whether I'm into you. I'm developing it as an iPhone app. I'll love you for your mind.

Compensation: I'll be having an IPO soon, and will pay you in stock options.

About The Author

Benjamin Wachs


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