Taurus (April 20-May 20): Your education may take curious paths in the next few weeks. I would not entirely discount the possibility, for instance, that you could absorb the contents of thick books simply by slipping them under your pillow overnight. Nor would I say it's impossible for you to receive homework from waterfalls and lightning bolts, or to find a new teacher in a convenience store parking lot. Would you be freaked out or thrilled if I hinted that you'll soon be invited to learn a whole new way to learn?
Gemini (May 21-June 20): I'm a connoisseur at attracting and cultivating temptation. More important, I understand the difference between good and bad temptation -- between the thrilling promises that serve my highest goals and those that play to my neuroses. And when I get a lock on a good temptation, I know how to work it so it drives me wild with smart desire -- the best muse of all.
I am now telepathically communicating to you all my expertise about temptation.
Cancer (June 21-July 22): Picture yourself poised on a threshold. (This shouldn't be too hard, since that's exactly where you are, metaphorically speaking.) Envision this threshold as a transitional space between two strikingly different worlds. The place you're leaving is familiar and protected, if a bit unhealthy. Where you're headed is a hot spot teeming with medicinal agitation. As you linger here expectantly on the threshold, mull over this monster question, which you'll need to answer before busting through: What bond are you willing to break in order to be as innocent as you need to be?
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22): Excuse me. I'm going to have to ask you to answer a few questions. You have the right to remain silent, but I wouldn't advise it. No, you haven't been charged with anything -- yet. It's just that karma-purging season has arrived, and it's my duty to alert you to how much of that old psychic gunk you've accumulated. (If I were you, I'd start making atonements immediately.)
Let's get started. In the past year have you: 1) broken any big promises; 2) longed for more freedom but not worked very hard for it; 3) blamed others for your own failings; 4) fantasized about a different partner while making love; 5) taken anger out on the wrong person; 6) beguiled someone into loving you and then not loved him or her back; 7) faked an emotion; 8) done any other bad thing?
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Let's talk about power, and about how you can get more power. What works for the other signs of the zodiac may also bring you a measure of success: formulating precise goals, expressing yourself forcefully, generating original ideas, being skilled at manipulating people's emotions. But all those strategies pale compared to the first law of Virgoan empowerment, which is this: Your command and authority and influence will thrive to the degree that you put yourself in service to people and causes that're worthy of your investment. Ask yourself continually, "How can I be of best possible use?" And one day you will rule a kingdom.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): From where I sit, you seem to have gotten fixated on a sign that's pointing to a sign that's pointing to a sign that's pointing to the place where the object of your dreams used to be. Please stop this pointless obsession now. Not in an hour. Right now. Stop the world, accept the fact that I'm telling you the god-awful truth, and take this pledge: "I vow to never again be hypnotized, conned, or waylaid by middlemen who claim to have the sole key to my dream."
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): You won't like what I have to say if you're a lazy lard-belly or shallow-breathing mind-tripper. The cosmos is begging you to work out, to break lots of sweat, to move and move and move your sweet ass. Why? Well, you'll feel better, of course. But that ain't the half of it. Your aerobic activities are also likely to bring you into close proximity with the kind of twinkling-eyed folks you need more of in your world. A third bonus is that strenuous exercise will unleash an eruption of smart chemicals in your gray matter. You can't conceive of the brainstorms that await you if you try mountain climbing, river rafting, or gymnastic sex.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): While working as a letter carrier for the post office a few years ago, I learned a thing or two about emerging unmauled from encounters with snarling dogs. And as you approach a climactic showdown with your own inner bitch, I'd like to share my wisdom. 1) Avoid eye contact. 2) Don't scream. 3) Hum a lullaby. 4) Try to use your telepathic powers to convince the beast to settle down. 5) Have a gift or bribe handy. 6) If all else fails, do imitations of Groucho Marx or the Three Stooges.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): I rarely spend five hours composing any one sign's horoscope, but this week yours demanded it. Merely drawing up the planetary charts and meditating on the astrological gestalt weren't sufficient. I also cast the runes, consulted the I Ching, and pored over my recent dreams. But nothing worked. In desperation, I danced in circles till I got dizzy, fell down, and banged my head on the floor. At last, a vision arrived. I saw that you are now being asked to explore the spiritual possibilities of exhaustion. Only when you have worn yourself out failing at every technique that's always worked before will you be graced with a cockeyed deliverance -- and a new assignment.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): What are you supposed to do when jealous friends or passive-aggressive associates pull the magic flying carpet out from under you? Jump right back on -- that's my expert answer. Don't waste any energy feeling humiliated or plotting revenge. Just scramble aboard again and resume your preparations for takeoff. If the offending parties seem to be gearing up to mess with you once more, defuse their energy by agreeing with everything they say. Then, just when they've relaxed because they think they have you cowed, blast off and zip away.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): Good news, emotion-lovers. Just in time for your own personal Summer of Love, you've been approved to experience five brand-new, all-electric feelings. Many of those you'll have to choose from are so original they don't even have names yet. I'll take a stab at identifying a few so you'll be able to recognize them if they drop in unexpectedly: fierce tenderness ... thrilling stability ... bashful bravery ... aggressive vulnerability ... grateful guilt ... wise spontaneity ... and much, much more.