"It's Spare the Air Day, right?"
"Muni is facing 8-hour delays from about 9 to 5."
"Have you heard of Occupy My Apartment? Well, it happened."
"My dog ate my Clipper Card and my car keys and my smartphone. Also, amnesia."
"I can't find my shoes. All of them."
"Today is Sunday where I come from."
"My spiritual adviser instructed me to stay out of the fog."
"My friend from China is in town for just today."
"I need to make more tiny doors for the tree-house in Golden Gate Park."
"Well you see, first there was this neat box on the sidewalk and then HOLY SHIT WHAT'S THAT!" (run away)
"Beige mold. What? It's new."
"My hysterical pregnancy is acting up."
"Doesn't 'spanking fetish' count as a religious holiday?"
"My mother told me, when I was just a child, that I was the mooooost special child, and that I didn't eeeeever have to do anything that I ..."
"I've been writing a sequel to Zero Dark Thirty. I can't say any more."
"This 30-foot wooden sex octopus isn't going to build itself."
"You've got something right ... on ... the ... tip ... of ... your –" (punch in face, run away)
"Boy, my gills have been acting up. What? That's racist."
"You know how it is with multiple wives: One gets on you and then they all start in and then the day is gone."
"My marijuana-guarding alligator got loose and bit my meth-cooking poodle. It's a whole mess."
"Moons Over My Hammy flashback."
"Sir! Thou hast besmirched my good name! I shall take my leave!"
(make trotting-horse noises into the phone, fading off)
"I left my heart around here somewhere."
"Let me tell you a little something: San Francisco? Not. Always. A. Treat."