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Thursday, February 14, 2008

Top 10 Cockblocking Songs of V-Day

Posted By on Thu, Feb 14, 2008 at 2:05 PM

The romantic mix CD warms female hearts and loins. With Valentine’s Day's arrival, here’s a list of songs to avoid unless you want throw a cold shower on that steamy crush. -By Cole Haddon

12. Anything by R. Kelley

And we mean anything, even the stuff that sounds kind of hot. If a dude pisses on 13-year-old girls for kicks, don't help pay his lawyers.

11. “I Will Follow You into The Dark,” Death Cab For Cutie

Yes, “I Will Follow You into The Dark,” is a very beautiful song about love and, yes, maybe it’s even romantic, but, for fuck’s sake, it’s not that kind of romantic. Love of mine, someday you will die/But I’ll be close behind/I’ll follow you into the dark, he sings. Wait, what? Really?

(Click 'More' for the streams of all the music)

It’s sweet in some morbid way, but, for the sake of a Valentine’s Day mix tape, don’t include songs that tell her she’s going to die and, when she does, don’t worry, you’ll follow her into…wait, is he saying he’ll kill himself to follow her? That’s really messed up.

10. “Someday You Will Be Loved,” Death Cab For Cutie

Here’s another chance for Ben Gibbard to cockblock you. Like most of Death Cab’s ballads, “Someday You Will Be Loved” sounds a helluva lot more romantic than it actually is. Ben Gibbard likes to play with your emotions, you see. I once knew a girl/In the years of my youth/With eyes like the summer/all beauty and truth, he sings. Wow, that is not only profound, but beautiful. Then, In the morning I fled/Left a note and it read/Someday you will be loved. While more moral than R. Kelly, never include any Death Cab track on your romantic mix either.

9. “I Wanna Sex You Up,” Color Me Badd

Irony is the death of all romantic mix CDs, but especially Valentine’s Day mix CDs. This is why “I Wanna Sex You Up” by the laughably bad Color Me Badd should never appear on any mix you give her with roses and chocolates. You’re a dude and, by definition, already want to sex her up. She already knows, so don’t try to be cute about it.

8. “Lovefool,” The Cardigans

“Lovefool” is not suitable for any mix CD. No one song should overpower all other songs on a mix, unless, that one song is YOUR song. In that case, it should be the climactic track. If “Lovefool” is your song, then you’re doomed. Despite the bubbly sound, it’s all about unhappiness and emotional dishonesty for temporary satisfaction.

7. “Millie and Billie,” Alice Cooper and Marcy Levy

Like “Someday You Will Be Loved,” “Millie and Billie” isn’t what it seems at first. The duet is just about as boisterous and fun as anything Johnny Cash and June Carter ever recorded except, while you’re not paying attention, the singers suddenly confess they’ve killed her husband to be together. Even creepier, Billie’s musings on their future offspring: They’re frightening and gruesome and sad/And I don’t want them inside me. “Millie and Billie” might be one of the greatest love songs nobody pays a lick of attention to, but that doesn’t mean you want it anywhere near your Valentine’s Day mix CD unless your girlfriend knows who either Dario Argento or Tom Savini is. If so, you’re good.

6. “Unchained Melody,” The Righteous Brothers

“Unchained Melody” says. 'I'm an uncreative, uncultured tool who can’t even dig up a decent Al Green song to at least sound somewhat original. Hell, it’s almost as bad as putting “Everything I Do (I Do It For You)” on it. You will never be as hot to her as Swayze was in Ghost, and drawing attention to that will only make you look bad.

5. “I Wanna Fuck You,” Akon featuring Snoop Dogg

Whatever we just said about irony and “I Wanna Sex You Up” goes quadruple for “I Wanna Fuck You.” No matter how funny you think it is, your girlfriend will punch you in the neck for putting any song that starts with, “I see you windin’ and grin’ up on that pole,” on a mix for her unless the mix’s title is, “Baby, You’re a Freaky-deaky Ho-bag Whore with a Fat Ass I’d Like to Tap, So Why Don’t You Bring It on Over Here So I Can Smack It with My Dick.” In fact, that seems to be what Snoop has in mind when he raps he’s, “D-O Double G, and I’m here to put this dick on you.” On you, Snoop? Hmm, doesn’t it go in?

4. “Every Breath You Take,” The Police

This one seems like a gimme, but, in case you’re one of the blissfully ignorant, “Every Breath You Take,” is still about one scary-ass stalker. If you ignore this detail, your girlfriend won’t.

3. “Stay With Me,” Rod Stewart and the Faces

Don’t let the title fool you – your girlfriend won’t be staying with you any longer than the first verse. Stay with me, stay with me/For tonight, you’d better stay with me, Rod Stewart sings while the Faces rock out behind him. So, in the morning, please don’t say you love me/Cause you know I’ll only kick you out the door. In other words, fuck me please, but don’t expect eggs. Maybe cereal, but only if you go to the corner store and pick up the milk I forgot to get myself.

2. “I Said I Loved You, But I Lied,” Michael Bolton

Bolton's Too $hort moment won't help your game.

And the number 1 Valentine's Mixtape DON'T:

“Love Song,” by ICP

"Bitch, I’m knocking at your door/Let me get some neden, ho/Bitch you’re ugly, that’s okay/I’m finna hit it anyway/I guess you want me to take you on a big date/But what you’re saying don’t sound all that straight/All I wanna do is feel your butt and squeeze your titties/Cuz I can’t feed your fat ass on a buck fifty."

Well put, ICP.

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David Downs

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