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Wednesday, March 5, 2008

Makeovers, Marvita's Mane and Mega Bitches on America's Next Top Model

Posted By on Wed, Mar 5, 2008 at 9:26 PM

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During each episode of America's Next Top Model Cycle 10 I want to die a little bit more. Maybe it's the "Tyra Mail" reader or the jumping and the screaming or the ignorant girl on girl verbal smackdowns. It could be the combination of it all culminating in the worst television show of all time. So why don't I just stop watching? I can't. I'm totally and completely addicted (and yes, it's humiliating). The episode began with a bunch of big white purses. Each bag contained outfits from Apple Bottom clothing ("Get Low"). SF homegirl Marvita seemed especially stoked, so much so she actually said the words "aw hell yeah, I'm hella juice" (whatever "juice" even means). Of course, when a bunch of white girls asked about Apple Bottoms, Fatima (circumcised girl) decided it was the perfect opportunity to call other girls fat. Sorry girl, not everyone can look as malnourished as you do! She picked on Allison (who suffered from anorexia at one point or another) and then all the girls started comparing butts. How typically ANTM.

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Their preliminary challenge was brought to you by none other than WALMART! Good work, I hear Walmart is a fantastic company that does wonderful things for communities everywhere (internet sarcasm). In the challenge, the girls applied Cover Girl makeup as quickly as possible and a judge picked the most major babe (Cover Girl+Walmart+Top Model=LOVE). Claire (my favorite of all the girls) won and her picture will be on the ANTM page of walmart.com (barf).

Back at the house some of the girls had a heartfelt conversation about their kids. Claire talked about doing this for her family (I'm obsessed with her) and Tranny (Dominique) poured her heart out about wanting to inspire her babygirl (awezzzz). Other girls, mainly Allison) played racist Barbie's in an attempt to piss off Fatima who eloquently retorted "it's not my problem that you have an eating disorder." Classy broads.

Then came one of the best parts of any cycle -- MAKEOVERS! Tyra Mail read "competition is tough don't you just want to curl up and dye?" So clever, Ty. Steve Knoll, who looks like the long lost Hobbit from the Shire, picked the cuts and styled the ladies. A million girls went blonde or red, others got extensions, they destroyed Claire's beautiful half shaved (with steps) hair and gave Marvita a horse mane (that actually kind of rules). During the cuts a little box in the corner dubbed "Tyra Vision" narrated the hair cuts for each girl. Like most things Tyra does, it proved incredibly irritating. Fatima sobbed while getting her weave and the other girls seemed very amused.

For the shoot Elle McPherson styled the girls in her "bras and knickers." Highlights included plus size darling Whitney in a totally babe-tastic corset skirt number, Claire in a leather jacket and punker Lauren (with new extensions) wearing unusually girly clothes. In the end, Lauren received her photo first and absurdly cocky experienced model Allison and Tranny were left standing. Tyra made Nigel touch her butt at one point. The context doesn't even matter, but he appeared horribly uncomfortable. Allison was sent home. Just goes to show you that being a bitch won't get you far. Wanna be on top? - Melissa Baron

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Melissa Baron

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