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Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Kanye West on Twitter: Top 8 Things We Want Kanye's Buying Advice On

Posted By on Tue, Aug 31, 2010 at 2:50 PM

click to enlarge Kanye and his crew looking ready to dispense some buying advice.
  • Kanye and his crew looking ready to dispense some buying advice.
Dear Kanye,

In the approximately thirty-four days, five hours and seventeen minutes since you joined Twitter, you have taught the world great deal -- about yourself, about life, and even sometimes about music. But the rarest wisdom yet dispensed from that crown-weary horizontal head of yours has been about stuff -- shoes, stemware, Maybachs, and of course, men's suits.

You, wealthy Kanye, are the Consumer Reports of the Twitter generation. Actually, you're more like the Robb Report of the Twitter generation -- as much as we like to dream, your tastes run way more pricey than we can afford. So Kanye, will you help us proles with buying decisions relevant to our unfamous incomes? We beseech you to offer us wage-earners some advice -- via your Twitter feed, please -- on how to purchase the following eight items, ranked in ascending order of your expertise:

8. Love-letter stationary for Beyonce
Yeah, Kanye, we know she's Jay-Z's girl. But we get the feeling that you, like us, aren't quite ready to accept that -- wedding band or no. With your immaculate taste in pillows and goblets, you must also know which precious cards and envelopes at Papyrus (or the rich-person equivalent) would get that luscious diva's heart swooning. So please -- help a fellow would-be Beyonce lover out?

7. Socks
Since we almost certainly can't afford your suits, your jeans, or your shoes, Kanye, we'd like to ask your advice on a clothing item of yours we probably can pay for. What are the dopest socks out there? Who makes the Maybach of cloth foot coverings? The hottest hosiery? Which tubes would one wear to be kingish? It would make us feel so Napoleon to know you had approved of at least one clothing item of ours -- and unlike you, we're just not into ties.

6. Birth Control
You haven't gone on the record much about this, Kanye, and we take that -- along with the fact that you haven't yet turned over any income to a golddigger or babymama -- as a sign that you know what you're doing when it comes to halting child-making. So what do you recommend? Latex? Pills? Other contraptions? Please don't just say "pulling out" -- we know you can afford better options.

5. Institutions of Higher Learning
Kanye, you rival Bill Gates at being the most famous college dropout of all time. But even though you did quit, the lucid linguistics demonstrated on your Twitter feed lead us to believe that you may have some suggestions about where to enroll in English classes. Advise us to stay, drop out, register late, or whatever -- just tell us a few Kanye-approved schools to do it from.

4. Fish Sticks
C'mon, dude. You know what we're talking about.

3. Small Dogs and/or Cigarettes
Since you've grown to love them, perhaps you can help us out with recommendations for some model-friendly breeds/brands? We're always searching for a next gift to give our mistress.

2. Sunglasses
Along with Elton John, Bono and Lady Gaga, you, Kanye, are among the most iconic wearers of sunglasses in music. Why don't we get more advice from you on this important fashion item? Currently, the cool people appear to be in a serious Ray-Ban rut; we're looking to take it to the next level. Are you being quiet because you're still obsessed with Wayfarers, too?

1. "I'm Sorry I Dissed You in a Song/in Public/on Twitter/in Life" Make-Up Gifts
Honestly, man, how did you ever get to work with Nas after producing "Takeover" for Jay-Z? How did you get George W. Bush not to have you disappeared? How did you get Taylor Swift to accept your apology after you stepped on the kitten? How does the world forgive you for constantly flaunting the garish objects of your obsessive consumerism? We guess it could be your music that makes up for all this, but it seems more likely that you really know how to send an "I'm sorry, I opened my big mouth and something bad came out" gift. So what is it? Grey Goose? Versace? Models? Fish sticks?

Whatever it is, Kanye, we hope you'll condescend to share more buying advice along these lines with us via Twitter -- even if those of us in the salaried classes can only dream of frivolously spending money as well as you do.

Yours truly,

An Admirer

Follow us on Twitter @SFAllShookDown and @iPORT

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Ian S. Port

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