Oh! And One More Thing -- Is He Dead? (Winter 2011, according to some telecom analyst in Toronto)
Steve Jobs was a man who revolutionized it all: Computers, MP3 players, mobile phones, printers (?), even the television (-based service). But on the eve of his latest triumph -- a sexy home-lighting system you control with your phone! (?) -- America's favorite warlord agrees to a weekend getaway at Camp Sasquatch at the behest of a mysterious figure, the Woz, who reminds his old friend of a murderous pact they made more than 45 years ago in a culvert in Los Gatos. Let yourself be swept away by this tender story of brotherhood, hookers, light beer, and killing. If you liked Cocoon and Scarface, you'll love Oh! Starring Stanley Tucci and John Goodman. Directed by the Coen brothers and You. Created on a Mac.
Oracle's Complete Database Solution (Summer 2011)
Larry Ellison was a man who had it all: Bruno Maglis, football fields, a giant bathroom, and the largest all-service database company in the world. But when his country came calling -- he took the call, infiltrating the Chinese black market as a double agent to single-handedly frame-out a complete database solution for underworld business processes while tenderly sexing Lucy Lawless and skillfully deploying Eight Fists Fury martial arts against Chinese bastards. Then he is cast aloft on a high-altitude balloon to save the love of his life in the thermosphere. There's also sailing. If you wished Beaches was more like Bloodsport you'll love OCDS. Starring Larry Ellison; directed, written, produced by Larry Ellison. Stunts by Larry Ellison and catering, too. (Note: Could just be a promotional video.)
Did You Mean: Be Very Evil In 3D? (Fall 2011, and 2012 in 5D)
Sergey Brin and Larry Page were two guys who had it all: A Web site everyone looked at because ... Yahoo? You must be kidding us with that shit. They didn't go looking for evil -- but evil found them. Based on a conversation with Eli Roth when they were all waiting for their cars at Burlingame's GoKart Racer comes a story of a couple of zombie-demon guys wearing foot-shaped shoes who start every day by hissing "I'm feeling lucky" and go on to trap souls on the company's mile-wide server bank in the arctic (look it up) with a lot of spitting blood and loose eyeballs and -- as Roth puts it -- "evil sick shit coming at you in 3D." Also breasts. If you liked Snow Dogs and Hellraiser equally, you'll love DYMBVEi3D? Starring Gray's Anatomy's Patrick Dempsey and Dumb and Dumber-era Jim Carrey. (Sorry, Larry.) Directed by Woody Allen as a personal favor for keeping certain media on the down-low.
Craigslife (Straight to video, Winter 2011)
Craig Newmark was a bald man who had it all: A rudimentary site where anybody could sell whatever the fuck they wanted. Seriously. It's like a tornado took out a Russian province in there. And then he met her. She said she just needed a place to sell part of a toy and maybe everything in that trash can over there. But what she really wanted to sell was S-E-X -- and everyone was buying. Spend a scandalous few hours exploring this sweaty, sticky underbelly with a pioneer who doesn't like to spend a lot of money keeping up the site, where people climax. If you like Being There and conservative talk radio you'll love Craigslife. Starring r
adio shock jock Michael Savage a bald Travolta! Also Olivia Newton-John and Peter Gallagher as that other guy who's always in the pictures with Craig -- his manservant? Directed by some kid who answered the ad. Models by South Bay>Massage Services>"3 girls for 1 man! Outcall only."
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