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Monday, November 29, 2010

Five Songs So Distasteful They Make Us Want To Puke in Our Mouths

Posted By on Mon, Nov 29, 2010 at 10:00 AM

Last night a new reality show premiered on E! called "Bridalplasty." That's right, "Bridalplasty" - twelve vaguely psychotic (and clearly morbidly insecure) women competing for their dream wedding, and -- good god, we can't believe this is actually happening -- the plastic surgery of their choice. It's hard to know where to go from here, because that sound you just heard was society and/or television hitting rock bottom. We were trying to think of other TV shows that make us want to do some sick in our mouths as much as this one, but it was hard -- so instead we came up with some songs that do the same thing. Prepare to have that bad taste linger on a little longer.

5. "She Wolf," Shakira

So here's Shakira wandering through what we can only assume is a bedazzled vagina, pretending to be a very, very bendy dog and then attempting to put on a one-woman Folsom Street Fair (we get it, love, your S.F. skyline backdrop didn't escape us). Shame on you, Shakira. If you were really a massive masochist, your cage wouldn't be all gold and shiny like that -- you'd be doing that weird my-butt-is-controlling-the-rest-of-me dance in a filthy kennel. And it wouldn't be on a roof in front of Coit Tower either -- it'd be in the corner of a dirty SOMA motel room. Either way, your limbs are creeping us out. Put some pants on, woman!

4. "Baby Got Back," Sir Mix-A-Lot

Truth be told, the only reason this leaves a bad taste in our mouths is because we love it so very, very much, when we know we're really not supposed to. What makes it worse -- aside from all the rampant objectification that somehow ceases to matter in this context -- is that if this comes on at a party when you've already consumed too much tequila, it hypnotizes you into performing some of the most embarrassing booty dances in history (like, even worse than when Beyonce's "Crazy In Love" comes on -- come on, you know you've all done it).

3. "I'm A Slave 4 U," Britney Spears

After fetishizing school girls ('cause that needed to happen more) and asking to be hit one more time, young Britters went one step further in declaring her own self-hatred to the world and offered herself up for slavery -- while also demonstrating a frightening inability to spell (probably because she spent all her time in school showing off her bra, getting her belly out and dancing around the quad). This whole song and video is like having a flashback to the time you saw the depressed girl in middle school flash all the boys in a misguided mission to become more popular. We feel both shame and pity. All over our bodies.

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