So you've decided to become a douchebag. Congratulations! There's never been a finer time to join the ranks of D-Bags and all associated Assholes, Scumbags and overworked Jerkoffs, thanks to D.B.-in-Chief, Mr. Kanye West. They're toasting our likes the world over, but be warned -- it won't be easy to ascend the pedestal of Major Douchebag.
One proven way to distinguish one's self as a promising D-bag is Public Douchebaggery. Sporting events, velvet-roped-off areas, and boat parties make for ideal venues to push the D-Bag agenda. But there's a special breed of jerk found often at your local concert hall. If you aspire to the upper echelons of Concert Douchebaggery, here's some helpful advice on how to get there.
1. Wear the band's shirt at the show. It may seem obvious, but you'd be shocked to know how many concert-going douchebags forget to show squealing devotion to their favorite band. Bonus points for any shirt bought at the show, or from a show on the same tour.
2. Strip off layers of clothes at the show, preferably until nothing remains. This is particularly conducive to the outdoor festival, when the sun is shining, and public nudity laws don't fully apply. Drugs might help you pull this one off, or at least we're fairly certain it helped this guy pull it off. A friend of mine once saw an offshoot of this brand of D-Baggery at a concert: "I noticed them at the start of the show. Two guys who were probably rolling were getting very intimate with each other, so we moved forward and gave them their space. A couple songs later I notice a pool of liquid forming around my feet, and I'm like 'What the fuck?' I turn around, and one of the guys is pissing on me." Nice.
3. Adamantly request a song over and over again until a band has lost all sense of free will. Getting your way all of the time is part and parcel to the Douchebag Paradigm. You pay good money to hear your favorite sick songs with your sickest bros, so let yourself be heard every chance you get. Jukeboxes are for suckers; turning a band into a jukebox, now that's D-Bag Power.
4. If you're tall, make yourself even more of an obstacle with a fedora or some other oversized hat. Rule No. 1 of Douchebag Life: It's your world, everyone else is just living in it, so pay no heed to the vertically challenged. In fact, why not rub their longitudinal inferiority in their face with a little (or big!) piece of flair?
5. Record every moment of everything on video. A good way to weed out the pretend D-Bags from the Real D-Bags is camera-holding endurance. Most wannaDBs can only hold their camera in the air for 30 seconds. But the truly dedicated D-Bag keeps his camera in the air and holds it like he just doesn't care.
6. Rock a backpack in a crowd. If there's one thing a D-Bag doesn't need, it's other people all up on his backside. Make sure to take up as much valuable real estate as possible and stuff that pack to the brim.
7. Check your phone tirelessly, because you're too cool for this anyway. Oh wait, that's me jotting down notes. Shit.
8. Bring your kid (it's never too early to start the D-Bag Boot Camp). We're pretty sure smoke and loud noise is gonna prepare your kid for greatness. It's all osmosis science. And if the audience is lucky, the baby might complement the wailing onstage with some real crying. Definitely do NOT put those lame noise-canceling headphones on the kid. That would be fashionably cruel.
9. Crowd surf. Especially if you're not one of those skinny jean-wearing types. The bigger they are, the harder they crush. Crushing, if you're not aware, is one of the staples of the D-Bag movement: beers, chicks, bars, dudes, shows, etc. Why not add crowds to the list of the crushed?
10. Air-guitarring/air-drumming/air-keyboarding/air-bassing/air-kazooing (especially). As a collective group, D-Bags everywhere are working hard to officially steal this move from the nerd/dork faction. Once relegated to karaoke stages, air performances are becoming increasingly popular whenever a band approaches territories considered "jammy." Bonus D.B. points if you can convince a buddy to partake in an air-shred-off.
11. List off every band that sounds remotely close to the band you're listening to. You've been listening to a lot of Pandora. Show off your hard work by reciting every band that came on your favorite band's channel!