Prepare for your genitals to feel itchy, because LifeStyles
is bringing out a line of Ke$ha
condoms. Presumably, the front of the condom packet will have her face on it,
accompanied by a catchy tagline -- something to encourage us to use such a
product. Something threatening, maybe? Perhaps: "If you don't use this rubber,
you may find yourself, in 18 years, attempting to
raise a headdress-wearing crazy woman who won't stop talking about her 'junk'." That'd work on us, anyway.
While we wait and see what LifeStyles
comes up with, we've decided to have a stab at who could be next in line for the
condom sponsorship train. Like Ke$ha, the following artists certainly make
us think twice about ever reproducing. Ever.
1. Celine Dion
Yes, yes, Celine Dion is a frightening exaggeration of a
human being. But did you see those gigantic Baby Dior gowns
she put her twins in for their baptism recently? Hideously ostentatious even by
Dion standards. Well think about this.
What if you had kids one day, then won the lottery? What if you lost touch with
reality and started dressing your children in baby tents? Just avoid the whole sorry
scenario and use the Dion condom. Because nobody likes a tasteless show off.
2. Christina Aguilera
The point of the Aguilera condom would be to remind you of
what an irresponsible parent you could potentially turn out to be. One day, you're
there, a doting parent, sane and sober. The next, you're forgetting the words to
the National Anthem, falling over at the Grammys, and getting arrested for
being out on the town and wasted out of your yodeling, gurning mind. Be careful
out there, people. If you wish your life to be one filled with drunk-driving and
booze-fueled arrests, keep using the Aguilera condom and save yourself the
responsibility of having to feel bad about the little ones at home.
3. Billy Ray Cyrus
The BRC condom should exist because we all know what he
produced with his loins. Let it be a warning to us all.
4. Lars Ulrich, Metallica
Well, he's just annoying isn't he? Imagine if you birthed a Lars-a-like. He'd
be in your house whining about everything for, like, eighteen years. Don't even get us
started on Thanksgiving. Just use the Lars condom and save yourself all the potential for irritation.
5. Taylor Momsen, The Pretty Reckless
We're just going to let the image speak for itself here. Imagine
if your future 17-year-old daughter kept popping out for coffee dressed like a hooker. Condom, please!
6. Joel Madden, Good Charlotte
Joel is a good dad. And he's handsome too. The reason there
should be a Joel Madden condom though, is because the likelihood that you'll
ever be able to produce offspring as cute as Joel Madden and Nicole Richie have
managed is marginal at best. Why bother even trying?
7. Jermaine Jackson
In case you were previously unaware, Jermaine
named his son -- wait for it -- Jermajesty. That's right! Jermajesty. Like Her Majesty,
except it actually doesn't make sense in the slightest. JJ condoms
should therefore exist to remind us of the
depths of stupidity naming a child can prompt in humans.
Imagine a world in which your children are singing
songs about sadomasochism before they even know about the birds and the
Oh, that's right! You don't have to, because we already live in it!
Rihanna. Thanks for lulling parents the world over into a false sense
of security with
a song about an umbrella, then -- once all the kiddies are listening to
you -- going R-rated on the pre-teens ("Rude Boy" was also stellar lyrically
for your younger audience). That was super responsible. Cheers.