It is with much agony that we report the following:
Train, a pop-rock band that ranks among San Francisco's most regrettable musical products, will perform at this Friday's Opening Day Giants game, thereby extinguishing every drop of pleasure, hope, and civic pride that would otherwise accompany the official start of this post-World-Series-victory baseball season.
Let's be clear: It doesn't matter what the weather's like. It doesn't matter whether the Giants win. Train is performing. Everything is ruined.
Train, of course, is the musical abomination responsible for hits like "Drops of Jupiter (Tell Me)" (made for a suburban mall near you!) and "Hey, Soul Sister," empirically judged the worst song of 2010 by the Village Voice and everyone with functional eardrums.
On Friday, Train will attempt to perform the National Anthem, and will also submit a new single -- its entry for the worst song of 2011 -- for public shaming. In a cruel twist of irony, the song is called "Save Me, San Francisco." Considering the desecration that will be wrought by Train's performing, we think the possibility that anyone in this band will be saved by anyone in S.F. is highly unlikely.
Furthermore: Train's publicist claims "Save Me San Francisco" is the "unofficial theme song" of the S.F. Giants (noooooo!) and that it is played "before" every game. We brought this claim to SF Weekly's resident Giants authority, who cannot remember ever hearing the song before. Anyone care to weigh in on this? In other words, please, say it ain't so. This whole time we (happily) thought the Giant's theme song was made by that Ashkon dude.
Now, weakened by our misery, we leave you with this taste of the horrors to come: