That's right, folks. It's the rarest of things -- a Christmas song that doesn't make you want to vomit, or jam sharp pencils into your ear-holes. Finding one of these gems is like stumbling across a white tiger in your backyard -- you can't believe it's there, you know it's not supposed to be there, but you're going to suspend your disbelief and just enjoy the moment. Here's our top six Christmas songs that don't suck.
6. "Little Drummer Boy," The Dandy Warhols
The reason this is a good festive song is because if you're at a holiday party and you're wasted and this comes on, it takes at least two minutes to realize that it is, in fact, a Christmas song at all. Oh, the jingle bells are there alright, you're just not getting beaten over the head with them. Which is nice.
5. "Merry Christmas, I Don't Wanna Fight Tonight," The Ramones
Is it their strongest moment? Oh, hell no. But this is in here because The Ramones are basically infallible. Don't argue. Even "Pet Sematary" is fine by us...
4. "Christmas (Baby, Please Come Home)," U2
Look, we hate Bono as much as the next guy, but this was recorded when
U2 were still at their very, very greatest -- prior to Bono disappearing
up his own arse in a cloud of smug. The original was great (thank you, Darlene Love and Phil Spector), but this version is even better. If only U2 were still like this.
3. "Oi To The World," The Vandals
So, in case you missed it, this Christmas song is about an Indian kid named Haji who's in an oi band in London, who has a hard time with a racist skinhead named Trevor. Trevor attacks Haji in the pub and they subsequently have a fight on a rooftop on Christmas Day that results in Haji having the crap beaten out of him by Trevor's nunchucks, and Trevor being gravely injured by Haji's sword. Haji has a moment of clarity and decides to dress Trevor's wounds using his part of his turban, and then uses the rest of it to rappel off the roof, into a pub, where the two drink bourbon together. And that, friends, is the (second) greatest story ever told.
2. "Christmas In Hollis," Run D.M.C.
This is literally the only Christmas song on earth that you can listen to all year round. This shit is actual genius. There are jingle bells literally all the way through! And every single line features a Christmas cliche of some kind! And it's still awesome! How is that even possible? Oh, that'd be the killer hook and unrelenting delivery. Nice one, Run D.M.C. Your contribution to the season is larger than you will ever know...
1. "Fairytale Of New York," The Pogues & Kirsty McColl
Look. We know it's an obvious choice, but if there's ever a better Christmas song than this one, we'll eat our laptops. This song has everything: excitement! Romance! Tragedy! A barrage of heinous insults! A slurring guy! Add to that the fact that it's totally timeless and beloved by literally every generation that hears it, and you have the greatest Christmas song of all time. We do not exaggerate.