Happy New Year's Day, everyone! If you're anything like us, you're probably reading this via your phone or tablet, from your bed, still under the covers, still wearing last night's clothes and/or make-up. You've probably been awake for a while now, but can't find the strength to haul that ass out of bed because of the almighty hangover that is bearing down on your skull (and various other body parts). It's okay. Most of us have those today -- surviving the year of the Mayan apocalypse is to be celebrated, and celebrated hard, after all. So fear not, tired souls, for we have the perfect mix to ease you onwards and upwards, into your day and into a new year. Just lay back and relax and let us soothe your hangover.
"Teardrop," Massive Attack
This is the best song in the history of the world to wake up with. That slow but steady layering of sounds, the gentle build-up, the soothing vocal whispering you into your day. You know on old school alarm clocks, where your sound options are either "buzzer" or "radio"? More people would be willing to use old school alarm clocks right now if they came with a "Massive Attack Hangover" setting.
"Island In The Sun," Weezer
Alright. The next step is ignoring the fact that it's January 1 and you're about to spend the rest of this always-miserable month in a cold (stupid January) and impoverished state (stupid holiday spending). Nothing feels like a warm, sunny, carefree breeze over your freezing, hungover head than "Island In The Sun" by Weezer. Extra bonus points for having cute animals in the video -- they provide positive visual stimuli without requiring you to use your brain even a little bit. Score.
"Cigarettes and Chocolate Milk," Rufus Wainwright
It's time. You need to put some fuel in your body other than alcoholic poison and illegal substances. But hey, you like a party, so we're not gonna rush you over to Whole Foods and tell you to buy a salad. Listen to hangover king Rufus Wainwright and have some chocolate milk to line your stomach, so you can actually hold a proper breakfast down later. And smokers? Well, you have cigarettes with everything, so feel free to indulge as you recover enough to cook some eggs. Listen to the lyrics, kids. Rufus understands your pain right now. "Please be kind if I'm a mess," he pleads. Feel that gorgeous hangover sympathy.
"The Good Times Are Killing Me," Modest Mouse
Now that you're up and about, it's time to start piecing your night back together and feeling guilty about your over-indulgences. "I'm never drinking again," you're probably thinking. "How could I do this to myself?" Don't worry. Just listen to this song, embrace your mistakes for four minutes, and, by tomorrow, you'll have forgotten all about this sinking feeling and will be ready to take on the world. Let's face it: the only people that ever say "I'm not drinking again" are the people who really love drinking.
"Sleeping With The Television On," Billy Joel
Okay, full disclosure: do NOT listen to this song right now. It's way too jaunty and nauseating to cope with mid-hangover. The only reason this is closing out our list is because we just wanted a cute way to tell you what you'll be doing for the rest of the day. Happy New Year!