The news that Coldplay frontman Chris Martin and posh actress Gwyneth Paltrow are splitting up after more than a decade together was surprisingly upsetting. First, and most obviously, they have two small children who will probably be upset by this process -- which is sad. Secondly, Martin and Paltrow always looked just right together -- each of them being in possession of a special brand of bland whiteness. Side-by-side, they always just looked like a vanilla-on-vanilla sundae -- it wasn't the most exciting flavor combination, but, dammit, it's supposed to be safe.
There was another upsetting element to all of this, though -- the way the break-up was announced in Paltrow's lifestyle newsletter, Goop
. We're going to assume you've never seen Goop, because you're probably not the kind of person that would subscribe to a newsletter about seven-star hotels, wooden beaded bracelets that cost $410, or how to cook at home with ingredients so expensive you might as well go out for dinner.
Anyway, the Goop newsletter was deemed an appropriate place to announce the marriage breakdown, and just to make the entire thing infinitely worse, it was announced under the heading (watch that gag reflex again!): "Conscious Uncoupling".
Conscious. Fucking. Uncoupling.
That's right. Because even in the midst of an emotionally traumatic
event, these two just cannot lower themselves to normal,
straightforward standards of communication. Not that we should
be terribly surprised -- Chris Martin has been peppering this kind of nonsense
into Coldplay songs forever. Don't believe us? Here are five Coldplay lyrics as
spectacularly irritating as the term "conscious uncoupling" -- or almost, anyway.
1. Here, the bit from "Lost" where Chris Martin was exploring assonance like a 13-year-old girl in poetry class who just learned what that was. Doesn't matter if any of this shit makes even one iota of sense, as long as the vowel sounds stay consistent, eh Martin?
"And you'll be lost
Every river that you tried to cross
Every gun you ever held went off
Oh and I'm just waiting 'til the firing's stopped
Oh and I'm just waiting 'til the shine wears off"
2. This bit from "The Scientist," where he implies that his own ability to feel love is so great, its importance exceeds any and all discussions of the universe or progress on Earth:
"I was just guessing at numbers and figures
Pulling the puzzles apart
Questions of science, science and progress
Don't speak as loud as my heart"
3. This bit in "Viva La Vida" where... just... eye roll:
For my head on a silver plate
Just a puppet on a lonely string
Oh, who would ever want to be king?"
4. "Yellow" might be a decent overall song, but the lyrics are absolute bloody nonsense -- like the meanderings of a severely mentally ill human attempting to describe a dream:
"I swam across
I jumped across for you
Oh what a thing to do
'Cause you were all yellow
I drew a line
I drew a line for you
Oh what a thing to do
And it was all yellow"
5. Here's a section of "Clocks." Guess who got a $500 rhyming dictionary from Goop for Christmas?!
"Come out of things unsaid
Shoot an apple off my head
And a trouble that can't be named
A tiger's waiting to be tamed"