It's a testament to the incredible popularity of Taylor Swift that people keep asking her to get onscreen and "act." We use that term in the loosest possible sense, of course, since Swift has all the acting chops of an over-tired four-year-old in their first school play. She talks uncharacteristically loudly, she enunciates self-consciously, and she moves like she's been locked in an industrial freezer for five hours. Rumor has it, however, that she and good pal Lena Dunham are plotting a Swift appearance on HBO marvel Girls. Friendship is a beautiful thing, but in the interest of this wonderful series, we'd like to plead with Dunham to reconsider putting Taylor Swift in it -- and we've got five good reasons why.
1. Taylor Swift on New Girl
Frankly, viewers should've been rewarded for getting through the disappointing second season of the (once hilarious) New Girl, but instead, what were we subjected to in the finale? Beloved character Cece breaking up with her fiance at the altar, only to have him respond by announcing he's in love with some Elaine. Cue Taylor Swift popping up out of the congregation and doing her go-to awards face (see above). She slowly bounced up and and down in an attempt to look excited, before saying: "Will you take me away [weird pause] from this madness?" In case you missed it, it was [justifiable pause] fucking awful.
2. Taylor Swift's Cover Girl Commercial
Now, shamefully, we've watched enough episodes of America's Next Top Model to know how crazy good the Cover Girl commercial editors are. We've seen them take bumbling idiots who couldn't get through a single line without messing up and make them seem perfectly competent. Taylor Swift succeeds in looking very beautiful here (because girl could get dragged through a hedge backwards and still look flawless), but she says the phrase "fresh air" as if she's being attacked, and the word "out" is practically a mid-exorcism command. Not exactly easy and breezy. And what's up with that flying-fairy shit? (We'll blame Cover Girl for that last one.)
3. Taylor Swift on CSI
And here's Ms. Swift demonstrating all the skills she acquired from the head-shakey-shoulder-shruggy School of Bad Pretending. In all fairness, Swift is clearly better at non-comedic performances of this type, and CSI definitely isn't one of her worst acting efforts, but still, if ever there's a time to do your go-to awards face, it's when you're getting stabbed in the chest with a pair of scissors. But... no. She just has a lie-down instead.
4. Taylor Swift on SNL with Seth Rogen
Taylor Swift's previous hosting experience for SNL was made entirely worthwhile by the skit where she impersonated Shakira -- that shit was genuinely hilarious. But when she popped up recently to "help out" Seth Rogen with his monologue, she went back into full, stiff-as-a-board amateur mode. Look how she folds her arms and -- WTF? -- checks her nails. Relax, lady. You have the best line in the whole monologue. Why so scared?
5. Taylor Swift in Valentine's Day
We know she was supposed to be ditzy and annoying here, but this was about as much fun as a wisdom tooth extraction.