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Friday, July 11, 2014

Five Reasons No One Wants to Buy Robin Thicke's New Album

Posted By on Fri, Jul 11, 2014 at 9:27 AM

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If there was a Creep Olympics, Robin Thicke would take the gold every single time -- or at the very least, tie with R. Kelly. We've known for a long time that this man was a problem: Back in 2012, before "Blurred Lines" was even released, we used the word "rapey" to describe him. Also, he was a guest vocalist on R. Kelly's "Pregnant," which is an absolute skin-crawler of a song. But until recently, that creepiness hasn't hampered his music's popularity. Last week, however, everything changed. Thicke released his latest masterpiece, Paula -- the cherry on top of an extraordinarily undignified break-up with wife Paula Patton -- and its sales so far been completely dismal. In fact, reports suggest Thicke's seventh full-length has sold just 25,000 copies in the US, 530 in the UK, and -- WOW! -- "less than 50" in Australia. Here are five reasons why no one wants to buy this thing.

1. Liking "Blurred Lines" Has Made Everyone Feel Gross

The problem with "Blurred Lines" is that it was one of the most infectious, catchy and danceable songs of last summer, and when it came out, we all started gleefully shimmying to it before we'd noticed the super-rapey lyrics. ("You know you want it?" How did we miss that?!) It didn't even occur to us to take a closer listen to this thing until we stumbled across the abhorrent video, with its naked ladies and its "ROBIN THICKE HAS A BIG DICK" balloons (BALLOONS!). Once we got over the shock of Pharrell Williams tricking us like that, it felt a teeny bit like waking up with a massive hangover and a dead body in your house. You know you're part of something truly horrific, you're just not sure how you got there. "Blurred Lines" has made a lot of people feel very creepy indeed -- no wonder no one wants to pick up anything new by Thicke. What if he does this to us again?

2. Stalking is Bad

Robin Thicke seems to be laboring under the notion that name-checking his estranged wife at every given opportunity, writing endless songs about the split, and begging Paula Patton for forgiveness onstage and in interviews is somehow romantic. In actual fact, these sweeping gestures amount to the most public kind of harassment. If he's like this in public, just imagine the stalking hell he is subjecting her to in private. The world has watched on in horror for the last few months, as Thicke stumbles forward, whining all the time, unable to understand normal, respectful human boundaries. Low album sales just prove how uncomfortable this has made everyone who has born witness to it. Leave! Paula! Alone!

3. The Video to "Get Her Back" is Insufferable

This thing is like a manual on how NOT to win a woman back. 


Step 1: Publicize Private Text Messages


Awesome, bro. Why don't you just dig out some naked photos of her and throw them online while you're at it?

Step 2: Romp With Other Women 


A sure-fire way to remind your estranged wife what a grope-hound you are is to fill your new video with naked women, who are all touching you on your naked chest. Hiring women that vaguely resemble said-estranged-wife does not make this more acceptable.

Step 3: Grovel

"Get Her Back", from start to finish, is some of the most embarrassing groveling we have ever seen on public display. And guess what? Groveling is a massive turn-off for every single woman on earth. (Except for the sadists.)

Step 4: Fake Cry

The only thing worse than groveling is fake crying. There's something super-sociopathic about it.

Step 5: Try to Look Like the Victim


"I wrote a whole album about you"
 -- "I don't care"
 -- Yeah, boo-fucking-hoo, Thicke. Quit trying to make your ex look heartless -- we know who the problem is here.

4. That Twitter Hashtag Disaster


All any artist wants in the run up to a record release is positive attention and glowing publicity. So whoever came up with the idea that the general public should ask Robin Thicke anything, via the #AskThicke tag on Twitter, needs to seriously rethink their career. Here are some of our favorite responses from the explosion of hilarity:
 "On a scale of 1 - Robin Thicke, how creepy is your next single going to be? Any general tips for women trying to avoid men like you?" (@emmaensign)
 "I asked my wife if she wanted your album. She said no. Does that mean yes?" (@comedyjames)
 "Can you help me move house on Saturday?" (@benpunter) 
Genius.

5. WE DON'T BELIEVE YOU


The worst thing about all this gratuitous hand-wringing and whining about winning Paula Patton back is that there is nothing about Robin Thicke that seems genuinely upset. The second the break-up happened he ran to the studio and made an album about it. Not only does he show no emotion in interviews on the subject matter, he actively smirks through most of them. He announces it at shows in a manner so flippant and cold, it feels like he's using it to try and pick up chicks via the sympathy route. He doesn't seem even vaguely interested in his estranged wife or how she must be feeling right now, as he launches a publicity campaign based solely around bullying her. If he loved her, he would not be doing this to her. And not only is Thicke subjecting the world to too much personal information, he is doing so in the pursuit of selling records. It's gross. It's exploitative. And almost no one has any interest in participating in that -- except for those 50 or so Australians we mentioned earlier.

-- @Raemondjjjj


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Rae Alexandra

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