By Tyler Callister
Last night, the San Francisco Taxicab Commission rejected cab driver Michael Byrne’s request to be freed from his unlucky cab number of 666.
Byrne received Evil Cab number 666 last August and several people close to Byrne have died since. But at the commission meeting, the Taxicab Commission forced Byrne back into the clutches of the Evil Cab.
Satan was not available for comment but did release this official statement: “Muahaha!”
Prior to the meeting, the Taxicab Commission’s assistant executive director Jordanna Thigpen had issued a memorandum (Download file)
about Evil Cab:
“A few years ago, the cab burned to a crisp on Good Friday… and the only thing remaining after the fire were the numbers 666, visible in ...
the rubble.” Shockingly, Evil Cab was then resurrected and allowed to enslave more cab drivers.
Good and Evil raged into battle at last night’s Taxicab Commission meeting. Cab driver Thomas George-Williams spoke in front of the commission wearing red devil horns and mockingly said, "How dare you take Lucifer's number away!” The audience laughed and cat called. One cab driver even shouted out, “If the guy who has 666 doesn’t want it, I’ll take it!”
Only commission president Paul Gillespie stood up for the forces of good. He argued that they should just retire cab number 666. But the rest of the commission was obviously in cahoots with the devil. They argued that the issue was something that should be dealt with “at the staff level,” and has no place at the commission meeting.
Evil Cab number 666 is currently working for the Desoto cab company, under the guise of Desoto’s heavenly blue and white colors. In a hellish twist, an anonymous representative from Desoto told SF Weekly that Evil Cab’s engine had just recently “over-heated.”
A 666 Slideshow
By Joe Eskenazi
San Francisco Cabbie Michael Byrne’s quest to exorcise himself of Badge No. 666 before an untimely incineration was just the sort of story folks like to e-mail to one another. In a bygone era — when people read newspapers (and the Chronicle) —it might even have been slapped onto the refrigerator with a magnet. And yet this is hardly the first time the “Mark of the Beast” has poked its (spinning) head into regular people’s lives. Take this gentleman:
Meet Ken Ken Hasenmueller. Randomly enough, the state of Wisconsin recently issued him a license plate with his first name and three numbers. Guess what three numbers those were?
“Initially, I thought it was interesting. But then I thought people might think I was a Satanist,” he said. And if Byrne ever drives his cab to America’s Dairyland, he’ll have an ally in Hasenmueller. "You don't want this sort of thing on your car,” said the Midwesterner.
Of course, if Byrne did drive to ‘Sconsin, it’d only be fitting if he took this road…
That’s right — it’s the Highway to Hell!
Running through Southeastern Utah (I knew it!), the 666 is the sixth spur off of Route 66. Or, should we say, it was.
New Mexico Gov. Bill Richardson, perhaps thinking ahead to his so-called presidential run this year, persuaded Colorado and Utah legislators to support a joint resolution taking on Satan’s favorite motorway:
WHEREAS, people living near the road already live under the cloud of opprobrium created by having a road that many believe is cursed running near their homes and through their homeland; and
WHEREAS, the number "666" carries the stigma of being the mark of the beast, the mark of the devil, which was described in the book of revelations in the Bible; and
WHEREAS, there are people who refuse to travel the road, not because of the issue of safety, but because of the fear that the devil controls events along United States route 666; and
WHEREAS, the economy in the area is greatly depressed when compared with many parts of the United States, and the infamy brought by the inopportune naming of the road will only make development in the area more difficult.
All of which lead to…
I guess the good guys won. But even if Byrne can’t drive on Hwy 666, maybe he can hitch a ride with this fellow:
Yee-haw! That’s Troy Burnett in his No. 666 tearin’ it up at the Jetmore Motorplex in world-famous Jetmore, Kansas. If anyone needs to worry about crashing and burning, it’s a man in a racecar emblazoned with No. 666. A man could be killed…
Or just drop dead. That’s the innocuous mailbox at 668 St. Cloud Road in Bel Air where Ronald Reagan joined Bonzo the Chimp in the great beyond few years back. Ron and Nancy were given the house as a gift after The Gipper left office in 1989 — but were appalled to discover they would be living at 666 St. Cloud Rd. A few calls from Nancy solved that right away (with no pesky taxi commissions to answer to).
And if you think Ronald Reagan took this nation to the cleaner’s…
Maybe he did! We hear this Brooklyn laundromat does a boffo job removing sulfur smells and brimstone stains from clothes.
Hey! Let’s get Michael Byrne there along with Troy Burnett, Bill Richardson and Ronald Reagan’s casket. It’ll be a party.