Dear semi-literates, similar to the Onion, this publication is a one-way conduit for information, and we appreciate your lack of daily input. How'd you like it if we came down to your place of business and were all like, 'You need to relax your jaw more. Do it slower. Sexier. Eww, your nose is leaking onto my dong!'
See, it's not nice.
However, we occasionally amuse ourselves with your feedback on the rare chance it penetrates our calloused, evil media hearts. We collect our faves for the week in a special post called, Kings of Commenting. —David Downs
We said, Japanese food ads are red-iculous.
i nearly peed my pants when i saw this video, and i'm pretty sure my children will have nightmares about dancing dogs forcing them to eat Japanese potato chips encoded into their DNA just from me having seen this, but it made laugh, and it's not just because i've been up all night. well maybe it is, but it was still funny. 'CONsoomay, CONsoomay, CONsoomay PunchEE'
We said, tight pants are winning their war on tortured ball sacks.
Re: tight pants war. Perhaps it's a good thing tight pants are coming back in the world of music, because let's be honest: Musicians are a tragically misguided and depraved group of people. I mean that in the best possible way, since I like to consider myself to be something of a soft musician, but let's be serious for a second. Do we really want these melody-tortured miscreants breeding? Probably not. (and I surely put myself in this category)
Luckily the tight pants will go a long way toward keeping said population from creating too many equally misguided children.
Who knew Darwin's natural selection would be delivered through mutations in fashion? I think he would be proud.
that Chef Chang said:servers need to shut the fuck up.
So, X said:
Crazy kudos and insanely loud applause for David Chang.
We mentioned Cake was playing New Years.
then "mac" spammed us with:
This article discusses several popular but unique New Year Eve Cake ideas.
Thanks for the spam, mac!
We said a while ago that MFDoom sorta fucked SF.
JOhn Harley Bell said this week:
doom is the mad sick villian, he's like babe ruth, so all you punk ass jealous niggas keep on with ya haiku. doom will return with a swift chrome hand for all the doubters. don't investigate cause he's far too excentric for forensics.....doom por vida
JHB myspace/doneforgood band hanford,ca
We said, the PS3's Lair is a big fat turkey.
shut up man dragons rule and it takes a dweeb to know one bitch
And this hella-smart dude dropped some straight knowledge:
The Gays knows that if you have it your way, we are already going to burn in Hell for our sexuality and our practices. We have little to loose in choosing a theme that will be easily identifiable, original to artistic and open minded people but offensive to those who see it as disrespectful to God.
Personally I don't see any harm in it. Madonna choose the Italian name of the Virgin Mary and nobody is asking to have her excommunicated, even after kissing another woman on the lips on television.
As long as we have the right to free expression in this country, you may not approve, you may find it immoral or sacrilegious but it is not illegal. Besides the painting referred to in the picture is the artistic creation of Leonardo da Vinci and not a picture of the real event.
Simply put, it is artistic license and the controversies relating to it are not new. In the Sistine Chapel, the monumental painting of "The Last Judgment" (1535 to 1541) was an object of a heavy dispute between Cardinal Carafa and Michelangelo: the artist was accused of immorality and intolerable obscenity, having depicted naked figures, with genitals in evidence, inside the most important church of Christianity, so a censorship campaign (known as the "Fig-Leaf Campaign") was organized by Carafa and Monsignor Sernini (Mantua's ambassador) to remove the frescoes.
When the Pope's own Master of Ceremonies, Biagio da Cesena, said "it was mostly disgraceful that in so sacred a place there should have been depicted all those nude figures, exposing themselves so shamefully, and that it was no work for a papal chapel but rather for the public baths and taverns,"
They won and the genitalia in the fresco were later covered by the artist Daniele da Volterra, whom history remembers by the derogatory nickname "Il Braghettone" ("the breeches-painter").
We mentioned the existence of the Yuppie's San Francisco Ghetto Tour.
And John G lashed out with:
On second thought, just stay out of the Tenderloin altogether. I may be white but I emanate radioactive hate-waves at hipsters and yuppies alike. My street gets enough shitheel hipster visitors -- moped riders, even! The worst! -- who never stray from their posts at the Edinburgh Castle (and they all load in their gear through the front door because the back door on Cedar is "too scary"). You get no "ghetto pass" just for visiting, thanks. And no, that's not an invitation to move there. Just keep away! And stop spinning your shitty American Apparel disco shit at the 222 Club! You're angering the ghost of Miles Davis with your brainless and outdated nonsense. Anemic little fashion boys and fluff-brained bimbos, I hope Miles haunts your superficial souls until the end of days. Those "street people" outside your precious nightclub aren't just extras in the TV-movie-plot of your trite fantasies of "urban" life. They fuckin' live there! Unlike you! Be gone, li'l post-grad! Take your place in the yuppie amoeba culture you'll soon join once you tire of the "ghetto" scene and settle down into passive suburban consumerism...IN THE SUBURBS. Where you belong!
David vomited up the Kool-Aid and said:
I am an ex member of Dahn Yoga, spent over $10,000 in healer and different training. I also bought the "golden turtle" for thousands of dollars. Later I found out the turtle was "gold plated." I also have the vibrating brain.
This is truly a cult group. Feel sorry for the so called "masters" wasting away their most productive years of their life with almost nothing in return. This is basically a cult plus scam.
We said, respectfully, that the Raiders Suck and the Niners Suck.
If anyone is interested I used to write a real football related blog. I am currently writing a blog on the sportingnews.com under the name of shemp53. Look me up. ... Much better than this piece of garbage, that is such a waste of time. ... If this guy is getting paid, then the entire SF Weekly sucks.
We said slacker guys and striver girls go together like bunker oil and the bay. So many comments came in that someone said:
4 pages? really? fuck.
We said the Angry Moped Gangs of San Francisco were silly, and when the Moped Gang got all angry at us, "karrie yes its my REAL name" said:
THIS whiney crap is EXACTLY why i got the hell out of your god forsaken city. this article was amazingly entertaining. seriosly,if you moped kids take your "gangs" so freakin seriously, you REALLY NEED to get jobs, lives, personality, sense of realityand/or humor, and last but not least, a little damage in your lives to make you realize how insignifigant ths all is in the grand scheme of things. now commence to talking crap about what I just wrote... hahahah. yikes and good riddance.
while robbie maintains:
I supposed it doesn't exactly come as a surprise that adults who ride mopeds would be crybabies, but still....
And Kings of Commenting wouldn't be complete without some Armenian comments. We said the now-dead Armenian Genocide resolution was a bit ill-timed.
This Turk says, "What genocide?":
Are we to expect next that Armenians Diaspora bring out their pointed white hoods from their hiding places and start chasing Turkish-Americans in broad day light? ( Not that they didn’t try just that from 1973 to 1985 via ASALA, JCAG, and other such Armenian terrorists…) ...The allegations of Armenians genocide cannot be supported by non-partisan historical evidence.
Hey Benjamin, is that true your girlfriend is a nigger loving kike?
Excuse me, Kieron, but that's crass and insensitive. Nigger-loving is hyphenated. And that's a wrap, misanthropes!
See you here next Wednesday for more reasons to destroy the Internet as evidenced by the comments in Kings of Commenting.