By Benjamin Wachs
Presumptive Democratic Presidential Candidate Barack Obama will alight upon San Francisco for an Aug. 17 fundraiser, where he is expected to save us all.
According to the Obama For President campaign, this is likely his last stop in San Francisco prior to the General Election. They could not comment on whether the sun itself will depart the Bay Area when he does.
While ostensibly about raising money – individual tickets to the Obama reception at the Fairmont hotel run for $2,300 – many Bay Area progressives are hopeful that Obama’s trip to San Francisco will in fact cure leprosy.
“That would be consistent with his record in the Illinois State Senate,” said one activist. “Though he never studied to be a doctor – which would have put him too close to the medical lobby instead of the ordinary people of this country – he did once give Aspirin to a minority.”
Fresh from his recent trip to Europe, where he ended all war, Obama is not expected to make any major policy announcements in San Francisco. He is also not presently scheduled to hold any public events other than insulting the rural South at 2 p.m. in Yerba Buena Gardens.
“We’ve done guns and religion, so I don’t know exactly what it will be,” an Obama spokesman said. “Maybe child rearing practices? Corporal punishment? Wearing artificial fabrics? If anybody in San Francisco has any suggestions about how we can look down on other parts of America, please let us know.”
Both San Francisco conservatives are expected to picket the fundraiser. According to producers, FOX news has already developed footage tying it to Al-Qaeda, the Weathermen, unpopular President Warren G. Harding, and San Francisco.