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Monday, February 2, 2009

The Chron Exposes Man Caves; Not Half as Exciting as It Sounds

Posted By on Mon, Feb 2, 2009 at 3:14 PM

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I'm thinking I need to track down Tommy Naylor from the second grade, because he once wrote that "Girls Have Cooties!" on my homeroom desk and the Chron is totally plagiarizing. Sunday's edition carried an article whose title alone ("Anatomy of a man room, where men can be men") was enough to send me back to bed with a sippy bottle of Kamchatka. While a "man room" or "man cave" could be many things in this town, the cave of which this article speaks is a a place where "men can be men with each other."

Oh, wait -- that still sounds vaguely sexual. Let's read further, shall we?


Jon Ries is a 43-year-old Oakland man with a "man cave" where he can watch sports and hang his Wayne's World

poster. He explains its purpose thusly: ""The man room is a place to get

away from the wife...You can't really have a man room without a wife,

because then there is

really no one to get away from." (Note to Ries' wife: Once you're done

decorating the Chronicle with your tears, come over to my house.

There's vodka!) He then exposes the reporter to a litany of horrors

that would reduce a seasoned war journalist to tears: "Ries walks into

the guest room down the hallway. He is clearly out of

his element here. The guest room has a daybed with a flower pattern

quilt neatly placed on top. A love seat with bright pillows sits across

from the bed. On one side of the bed is an elegant Tiffany lamp and on

the other is a wicker basket full of Cooking Light magazines and an

assortment of romance novels." I'm not sure what is supposed to offend

me more about this scene, the "bright pillows" (foul!) or the presence

of wicker (has she no soul?).

The second dude with a man cave, Mike Maurer from Richmond, calls it "Mike's Man Room" (because nothing is manlier than alliteration)

and has adorned it with an eyebrow-raising sign that reads "What

happens in the garage stays in the garage."

The article ends with a list of "manly must-haves" dudes should buy for

their man caves, which includes, among other things, a microwave (for

when the wife kicks you out of the house!), an iPod, and a DVD

collection. I own none of these things because I am too busy expelling

menstrual fluid, knitting, and belittling the men in my life to hop on

Amazon and buy them.

In a really twisted, depressing way, articles like this are refreshing because they insult both genders equally: Men are like children,

and women are like their mean mommies who strew flower-encrusted crap

all over the world. And by "refreshing" I mean the whole "Take my wife ... please!" schtick is tired and offensive. Pass the Kamchatka.


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Andy Wright

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