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Friday, September 11, 2009

It's Your 49ers Season Opener Drinking Game!

Posted By on Fri, Sep 11, 2009 at 11:55 AM

click to enlarge Wallowing in nostalgia -- the habit of 49ers fans everywhere...
  • Wallowing in nostalgia -- the habit of 49ers fans everywhere...
The San Francisco 49ers' quest to stumble upwards toward mediocrity, reassert their once-proud tradition, and become something more than a gaggle of oversize, sweaty men wearing tight gold pants commences this weekend.

Since beer goes with televised football as naturally as high-ankle sprains go with playing football, SF Weekly is happy to provide this handy drinking game for Sunday's contest at Arizona. As always, please behave intelligently and responsibly -- and take this with the grain of salt we'd expect of fans seasoned by following a team whose coach felt it was a useful motivational tool to drop his pants in front of his players.

Take a small sip when:

Cardinals quarterback Kurt Warner mentions "God," "Jesus," or other such religious euphemisms or makes a religious gesture;

Clips are shown of the Cards' appearance in the last Super Bowl;

Clips are shown of San Francisco coach Mike Singletary making a somewhat unhinged rant;

Clips are shown of Singletary during his illustrious playing days;

Clips are shown of holdout 49ers receiver Michael Crabtree doing fuck all;

Arizona wideout Larry Fitzgerald is referred to as "great" "the best," or "classy;"

A long run by a 49ers back is quickly followed by praise for running backs coach Tom Rathman and a sideline shot of him.

Take a liberal sip when:

Niners RB Frank Gore breaks off a run of 10 yards or more;

An announcer says any of the following words or phrases: "parity," "heighth," "focus," "[the] house," "game manager," "Wildcat," or "warrior."

The words "shadow," "respect," or "shine" are used when discussing Cards running back Tim Hightower;

Violent, war-like verbiage is used to describe 49ers' run-oriented offense;

Arizona party boy QB Matt Leinert is shown looking bored on the sideline;

49ers' WR Isaac Bruce is described as "ageless;"

Clips are shown of former San Francisco No. 1 draft pick Alex Smith failing repeatedly.

click to enlarge 'Great' ... 'The best' ... 'Classy' ...
  • 'Great' ... 'The best' ... 'Classy' ...
Drink it down when:

Leinert, Smith, or Nate Davis get any gametime at all;

Brian St. Pierre is mentioned, even for one fraction of a second;

The 49ers defense records a sack;

San Francisco's faux-throwback uniforms prompt clips of the Glory Days;

Any Tupac Shakur music is used as an intro or outro to/from commercials;

Michael Robinson lines up under center for San Francisco;

Visible heat waves are shown radiating off the field and/or the camera focuses on a sideline thermometer.

Polish it off when:

Audible profanities find their way onto the broadcast;

A player incorporates pantomine text-messaging or other use of electronics into his endzone dance;

A helmet, shoe, or other article of clothing flies off a player's body;

An announcer, after a pregnant pause, states, "You hate to see that;"

A term in prison is described as "a learning experience" or "a wake-up call;"

Close-up on cheerleader with less-than blindingly white, perfect teeth;

Niners win.







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About The Author

Joe Eskenazi

Joe Eskenazi

Bio:
Joe Eskenazi was born in San Francisco, raised in the Bay Area, and attended U.C. Berkeley. He never left. "Your humble narrator" is a staff writer and columnist for SF Weekly, which he has written for since 2007. He resides in the Excelsior with his wife, 4.3 miles from his birthplace and 5,474 from hers... more

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