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Monday, September 14, 2009

It's Your Raiders Season Opener Drinking Game -- And You Might Need It

Posted By on Mon, Sep 14, 2009 at 2:59 PM

click to enlarge Nostalgia alert!
  • Nostalgia alert!
Tonight at 7:15, an Oakland Raiders team that has found ways to embarrass its home city in ways violent crime rates and a reputation for danger and lawlessness could not, host the San Diego Chargers in a Monday Night Football opener.

The Chargers are a stacked team that some consider a Super Bowl contender. The Raiders -- well, you know about the coach allegedly beating an assistant silly while threatening to kill him, right? That was something of a pleasant diversion from the team's on-field performance. We need this drinking game.

Take a small sip when:

The phrase "Commitment to Excellence" is spoken or appears on-screen

A certain ESPN announcer refers to San Diego's franchise as the "San Diego Super Chargers"

Nostalgic footage: Kenny Stabler, John Madden, Freddie Biletnikoff, John Matuszak, Ted Hendricks, Lyle Alzado, Jim Plunkett, Marcus Allen, Bo Jackson, Rich Gannon, Tim Brown

Nostalgic footage: Dan Fouts, Johnny Unitas, Junior Seau, Lance Alworth, Charlie Joyner

Nostalgic footage: Al Davis, looking like someone other than Dorian Gray's portrait

click to enlarge Lance! Drink one!
  • Lance! Drink one!
Take a liberal sip when:

An announcer mispronounces Nnamdi Asomugha's name, despite the fact he's the best player on the team

The terms "JaMarcus Russell" and "cannon" are juxtaposed"

Johnnie Lee Higgins is described as a "game breaker"

Any Raiders back rips off a run of 10 yards or more

Tila Tequila is mentioned

A joke is made about Tequila's name

The term "turmoil" is used to vaguely describe the impact of Raiders Head Coach Tom Cable being investigated for felony charges of allegedly pummeling his assistant

Shawne Merriman dances maniacally

Darrius Heyward-Bey has a pass thrown his way

Drink it down when:

Darrius Heyward-Bey catches a pass

"Tonight in the stands, ladies and gentlemen -- Art Shell!"

You see your parole officer in The Black Hole

Announcer says something along the lines of, "Tom Cable has a great coaching staff -- they're hard to beat."

Darren Sproles gains 30 or more yards on any one play

Polish it off when:

Raiders stop a 3rd-and-1 or 4th-and-inches

Announcer employs Stalingrad metaphor

Sebastian Janikowski makes a tackle

The Raiders win

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About The Author

Joe Eskenazi

Joe Eskenazi

Bio:
Joe Eskenazi was born in San Francisco, raised in the Bay Area, and attended U.C. Berkeley. He never left. "Your humble narrator" is a staff writer and columnist for SF Weekly, which he has written for since 2007. He resides in the Excelsior with his wife, 4.3 miles from his birthplace and 5,474 from hers... more

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