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Friday, November 6, 2009

What Other Cereals Can City Attorney Crunch?

Posted By on Fri, Nov 6, 2009 at 6:30 AM

click to enlarge Evidence!
  • Evidence!
San Francisco City Attorney Dennis Herrera is getting plenty of congratulations for thinking outside the cereal box and scaring the cocoa pebbles out of the Kellogg's corporation. Herrera's "show me the science" letter forced the cereal company to cease its advertising line that Cocoa Krispies now boost children's immune systems.

It's a great start -- breakfast is the most litigious meal of the day. But the world of cereal is a treacherous one. Luckily, we've found draft copies of several other letters Herrera soon intends to send to these milk-soaked miscreants.

Lucky Charms:

"It has come to this office's attention that you have made repeated allegations of theft of your eponymous "Lucky Charms" (hereafter referred to as "LC"). Yet we have found no pertinent records indicating any police reports regarding theft of the LC.  ... Moreover, it has come to our attention that you refer to said LC as being "magically delicious." Following the passage of AB 4066 in 2004, most types of magic are actually illegal in California (with exceptions in various tribal domains). We ask that you send us written proof regarding what spells, enchantments, or other magical methods you are using as a taste enhancer for the LC. We will be expecting your owl shortly. ... 


"Dear sir or madam: This is an amicus brief filed on behalf

of the underrepresented letters of the alphabet, Q, J, X, Z, and

sometimes Y, who feel they have been given scant notice in your cereal

for years -- and, when utilized, given marginal and demeaning roles.

Q's mandatory accompaniment by U, furthermore, is a blatant violation

of a bevy of state labor laws. This action has also been enjoined by the

letters L, A, W, S, U, I, and T."


"To Mr. Silly G. Rabbit: It is our

great concern that your repeated claims that "Trix are for kids" has

led many a young cereal consumer to incalculable pain and suffering in

the world of child prostitution. We are ordering you to cease and

desist from using this phrase or ushering any minors into the world of

illicit sex immediately and forthwith."

High School Musical Cereal:

"OMG. We find your cereal to be thoroughly grody and detestible and little more than an odious marketing tie-in to a resoundingly passing fad. In plain English, your cereal fuckin' blows, man. Cut it out or we'll sue your ass."
Kellogg's Raisin Bran:

"It has come to our attention that, at no time, has the volume of the so-called 'two scoops' of raisins guaranteed to be contained within every box been specified. It is entirely possible that said scoops are no larger than a Monopoly game piece -- the wheelbarrow, say. In any event, the claim of uniform plenty is unsubstantiated. Please send us a scoop with great haste.

Count Chocula:

"Sir -- it is with great humbleness that we beseech you to send us a geaneological chart establishing that you are indeed the fourth count of Chocovania...."

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About The Author

Joe Eskenazi

Joe Eskenazi

Joe Eskenazi was born in San Francisco, raised in the Bay Area, and attended U.C. Berkeley. He never left. "Your humble narrator" was a staff writer and columnist for SF Weekly from 2007 to 2015. He resides in the Excelsior with his wife, 4.3 miles from his birthplace and 5,474 from hers.


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