Kevin Swanson, the pastor who not too long ago claimed that Girl Scout cookies turn everyone into lesbians, is back with another poignant argument about teh gheyz. This time he's turned his sights on Disney's animated film Frozen, or as the film is colloquially known in local gay dungeons, The Snowy Cesspool of Sin-Balls.
Swanson told cohost Steve Vaughn on his radio show that Satan is using the movie "to indoctrinate my 5-year-old to be a lesbian."
"Man, how many children are taken into these things and how many Christians are taking their kids off to see the movie Frozen, produced by an organization that is probably one of the most pro-homosexual organizations in the country? You wonder sometimes, I'm not a tinfoil hat conspiratorialist, but you wonder sometimes if maybe there's something very evil happening here. If I was the Devil, what would I do to really foul up an entire social system and do something really, really, really evil to 5- and 6- and 7-year-olds in Christian families around America?"
He's not a tinfoil hat "conspiratorialist" or anything, but if he was in charge of Satan's Google Calendar, he'd be like, "More movies about young girls with 'ice powers!'"
Go on, Pastor:
"I wonder if people are thinking, 'You know I think this cute little movie is going to indoctrinate my 5-year-old to be a lesbian or treat homosexuality or bestiality in a light sort of way.' I wonder if the average parent going to see Frozen is thinking that way. I wonder if they are just walking in and saying, 'Yeah, let's get my five-year-old and seven-year-old indoctrinated early.' You know they're not. I think for the most part they're oblivious. Maybe they do pick up on pieces of it but they just don't get up and walk out."
Lesbihonest, Swanson! Everyone knows that if any Disney movie's going to turn your kid lesbian, it's Mulan.
Other examples of Disney movies that are way gayer than Frozen and should be banned immediately for indoctrinating our children, our parents, and even our grandparents:
Aladdin: The genie is obviously a big homo. Oh, you want us to rub your lamp, you say? That's the oldest gay trick in the book, genie! You can just stay in that lamp/closet for eternity for all we care.
Wall-E: Did you see a robot penis on WALL-E? That's because she is a not-very-cleverly disguised butch chasing after EVE, who is obviously a futuristic version of a militant vegan lesbian. Hide your kids, hide your robot wives!
Peter Pan: Peter (a nickname for a penis!) leads a group of young, impressionable boys into the woods (nickname for boner!), wearing tights (euphemism for hello, fabulous!). Need we say more?
The Lion King: Timon and Pumba (gay!), dressed in drag (hella gay), and dancing to hula music (so gay we just turned straight).
The Little Mermaid: Want to know the real reason Ariel wants legs? It's so she can scissor just like the lesbians do in all the girl-girl porn she watches and loves.
Beauty and the Beast: First off, it takes place in France, which is gay-strike number one. Second, Belle just wants to be left alone to read [feminist discourse, we imagine] instead of bone the town hunk. Then she falls for that wolf-bison prince creature, which is an obvious homage to bestiality. And lastly, we'll just say it, we always thought Cogsworth the clock was pretty queeny.
We could go on, but we won't further Disney's flagrant gay agenda any further. They've clearly done enough damage, as evidenced by how everyone who has seen any of these movies is now gay.
Reel Talk, people.
Follow @annapulley on Twitter. She'll tweet you right.