GoFundMe Campaign Advances to Just Fucking Destroy Every Last Cool Thing in S.F. Already

The galloping pace of donations hit a snag, however, in that commercial landlords are holding out for a better offer.

(Photo illustration by Sophia Valdes)

Hopping aboard the bandwagon of solving all known problems via a crowdfunding campaign, a grassroots effort gained steam earlier today to just fucking annihilate every last thing about San Francisco that once made you love this city. Specifically, a GoFundMe campaign raised more than $2 million in less than 24 hours to purchase everything awesome with the specific aim of decimating it, just because.

Slammed by a series of soul-crushing closures in 2019, some of them without a concrete timetable or altogether hypothetical — Almanac Taproom, Edinburgh Castle, the Golden Gate Fortune Cookie Factory, Mezzanine — some civic-minded San Franciscans decided to finish the job, starting with the Seward Slides, Red’s Java House, and that really cool rainbow-painted house on Clipper Street above Noe Valley; you know the one I mean, right? 

As one Jaime Z. wrote in the message accompanying their $50 donation, “I bought a hand-lettered sign from Lucca Ravioli on Valencia Street before the owners close it down. But even the act of shredding ‘Italian plum tomatoes, $2.49’ with my bare hands out of a sense of alienated despair doesn’t quite calm me down. Chipping in toward the utter eradication of everything is the only way.”

“I’ve had this itch ever since women-run art collective Femina Potens became a Verizon store a few years ago,” wrote Liliana R., who tossed $100 into the hat, specifically earmarked for “I don’t even really care at this point, honestly.”

“Wow Air is my template for success,” said organizer Cory H. “Every time I leave my house, I feel like something else I used to love is gone forever. So I figure, let’s just rip the Band-Aid off all at once. I saw today that even two of the three CVS locations downtown are closing. Am I really getting sad about CVS? I mean, FML, you know?”

“Also,” they added, “why won’t it stop raining already? Just stop.” 

In only the last hour, thousands of additional people have thrown their hard-earned cash to what at least one person described as “J.G. Ballard’s High-Rise, but on a citywide scale.” As the campaign’s website states, “The gnashing molars of late capitalism have chewed up the City by the Bay and spat out something from the Baudrillardian hyperreal. We are the accelerant. You are the match. Let’s do this!”

Several people cited the stinging and entirely gratuitous coincidences that accompanied recent bursts of sad news. For instance, Sunday, March 31 was the Transgender Day of Visibility. But as it turned out, Divas, the city’s only bar catering to a transgender clientele, closed forever on Saturday, March 30. Elsewhere in the Tenderloin, The Gangway — the city’s oldest queer bar and one with primarily working-class patrons — closed late last year to become some dipshit conceptual kung fu thing that’s hardly ever even open.

In an ironic twist, the Redwood City-based GoFundMe has actually been on a tear lately in trying to preserve the tattered fragments of what used to be a pretty awesome place to live. The company recently gave $5,000 toward an effort to fight a different GoFundMe campaign started by affluent South Beach/”East Cut” property owners who want to make sure homeless S.F. residents can never get ahead in life, ever

Still, the bizarre, intolerable disconnect between obscenely unaffordable residential rents and the glut of empty storefronts has begun to trickle up to the powers that be.

Reached for comment, Castro super-landlord Jes Vitale said, “The people have spoken. Unfortunately, even the millions they’ve raised so far are entirely inadequate to the task. While I’m open to reducing some of my longtime vacancies to radioactive cinders, I’m also holding out for a corporate taqueria. For the community.”

Happy April Fool’s Day from the fools at SF Weekly!

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