REAL ASTROLOGY For an Unreal World

Aries (March 21-April 19): One of the ultimate challenges many Aries face is how to synchronize their two ruling archetypes: the lover and the warrior. It's a daunting task: trying to be true to the tender, generous instincts of the lover while cultivating the fiery discipline of the warrior. That's why I'm pleased to report that the weeks ahead will present you with juicy opportunities to stoke your skills as a warrior of love. In this spirit, I offer one of the few love poems ever written in Klingon, the language of the fiercest daredevils in the Star Trek universe: “toH qo' muSHa'pu'qu'mo joH'a, wa' puqloDDaj nobpu' ghaH 'ej ghaHbaq Harchugh vay', vaj not Hegh ghaH, 'ach yIn jub ghajbeh ghaH.”

Taurus (April 20-May 20): When I was a testosterone-possessed high school dude on a raging quest for sweet female favors, I was fond of murmuring “Prove your love” to any girl who found herself teetering on the brink of going all the way with me in the back seat of my parents' car. Now that I'm a sensitive feminist man, of course, I would never be so manipulative as to use that phrase as a seduction gambit. I still might say “Prove your love” to someone, but now it would mean Stand by me in my hour of need, or Don't withdraw from me even though we disagree, or Collaborate with me in finding a way to make our intimacy more sacred and profound. What about you, Taurus? How will you act out my suggestion that you prove your love?

Gemini (May 21-June 20): The brilliant bad boy of philosophy, Friedrich Nietzsche, used to say that many of his best ideas came while he was out walking. Not while he was jogging. Not while he was pumping away at his exercise bicycle and watching reruns of The Simpsons. There was something about walking that stimulated his genius like nothing else. Which is why I'm prescribing lots of long walks for you this week, Gemini. To get unstuck from the fix you're in, you're going to need to call on at least eight miles' worth of the genius that only walking can stir, preferably more.

Cancer (June 21-July 22): Kudos to those of us who share this space every week. Due to the extensive syndication of “Real Astrology,” all you readers and I now constitute a sizable constituency. What should we do with all this untapped political clout? Can we agree upon some issues we could lobby for, like maybe a new law to ensure that everyone is paid according to how much beauty he brings into the world? I nominate you Cancerians to organize our special interest group. Of all the signs in the zodiac, you are currently the most idealistic, the best networkers, and the most likely to serve the good of the many.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22): Drool, my friend Carol once noted, is the highest form of praise. And in light of your growing skill and popularity, Leo, I expect you'll be overstimulating many people's salivary glands in the coming weeks. Some of it will be metaphorical slobber, and some will accompany feelings of envy more than admiration, but I would not be surprised if you were witness to actual trickles of spit overflowing from the mouths of people who can't contain their respect or hunger for you. To encourage the displays you so richly deserve, I suggest you create a little button for your lapel that reads “You Have Permission to Drool.”

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Our dedicated team of astrologers, shamans, psychics, and private detectives has traveled over 160,000 miles in the last three weeks (93,000 of those on the astral plane), gathering data from all over creation so as to serve you better. After observing hundreds of Virgos — from a meticulous decorator of wedding cakes in Dublin to a Shanghai businessman who's collected 20,000 pieces of Marxist memorabilia — my team has concluded that it's time for your tribe to stop obsessing on the tiny details and start luxuriating on extremely expansive vistas.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Did you ever wish you could be a different astrological sign? Has more than one person implied recently that they'd like you better if only you were someone else? This is your lucky week. For the first time this decade, you've been granted a temporary exemption from being yourself. From now until May 6, you have permission to walk like, talk like, even smell like a Scorpio or Aries or Leo — or any sign except Libra. Peruse my messages for the other signs if you like, and follow the advice that sounds most fun.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): When I was on Geraldo's TV talk show a few years back, the man asked me how I keep love fresh when I'm in a monogamous relationship. I told him, “Geraldo, the way my partner and I avoid becoming too predictable is by spray-painting love notes to each other on highway overpasses, having long conversations with our mutual imaginary friend, acting out and interpreting each other's dreams, watching the live births of farm animals, going on missions together where we perform good deeds anonymously, and hurling Lenox china against the wall of the garage while naming every one of our own faults and screaming how sorry we are to inflict them on each other.” What would you have told him, Scorpio? It's prime time to meditate on this subject.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): To an outside observer like me, your search for answers looks pretty screwy right now. From what I can tell, you're sniffing around in the wrong places for questions that won't even be important to you in the long run. I can't help but think of a joke I heard recently. “How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to calm the wart hog, and the other two to fill the bathtub with brightly colored toasters.”

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): You currently have more access to the Divine Gaga than you've had in many moons. As a result, you possess, at least temporarily, mysterious powers. The only trouble is, you may not be able to exercise those powers unless you figure out what they are. For instance, if you don't realize you can use telepathy to ensure that you always get a great parking spot, how will you even know to call on it? So let your imagination run berserk, Capricorn. Ask it to reveal to you all the extraordinary magic you now have at your disposal.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): May is Adopt-an-Aquarius month. You need guidance and support and cash grants from a wise elder, my child! I encourage you to be unabashed in tracking down this trustworthy guardian in whatever form makes you feel most cared for, whether that's a mentor, foster parent, big sister or brother, sugar mama or sugar daddy, or fairy godmother. Maybe at one time or another in your life you've uttered the curse most every kid screams: “I never asked to be born!” In the coming weeks you can permanently correct that karma.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): Your favorite forbidden fruit will be available at bargain prices this week — and you won't even have to resort to your black market connections. You're also about to run across a free wild card or two, though I'd advise you to check and double check to make sure they are perfectly legal, moral, and tasteful. Do you think you can bear the thrill of me predicting even more obscene abundance? Get this: Without even trying, you should also encounter some fabulous deals on secret ingredients and X-factors.

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