Hey, Faggot: I have been living with a great guy for slightly under a year. We have commitment rings, are in love, get along great. But he is HIV-positive and I continue to test negative. I have always taken ultraconservative measures in my sexual practices, which is probably why I'm still negative. Although I love my partner, and I think he is the greatest thing in my life, I am as sexually frustrated as a man can be! I want to have an affair with a certain blond woman. I feel that I'm wasting myself. My partner is exceedingly jealous and emotionally dependent. Would it be terribly unethical if I had an affair with a woman? Should I tell her about the other man? And, do you think it's obnoxious to request someone prove their negative status by submitting to a 15-minute HIV test? I just want to eat pussy and/or suck dick without the threat of death — and I want to be an ethical, honest guy at the same time.
Neg, Bi, and Ethical in NYC
Hey, NBENYC: Warning signs: premature commitment, emotional dependence, irrational jealousy. OK, maybe I'm being unfair. Maybe after dating a few short months, you boys were ready to “commit,” exchange rings, and move in with each other, despite his possessiveness, your anxiety surrounding his HIV status, and your need to eat a little pussy every now and again. But from where I'm standing — or sitting and typing, actually — this setup looks destined to come to shit.
Before I answer your questions, let me just say this: Your attempt to justify fucking around behind your partner's back by citing a need to “eat pussy and/or suck dick without the threat of death” just doesn't wash. If AIDS-anxiety-free sex is important to you, then you shouldn't have settled down with an HIV-positive person in the first place. If you want to fuck around, if you have to fuck around — you are bisexual, after all — then fuck around. But spare us the excuses, and don't you dare blame your partner's HIV status for your inability to be monogamous. If HIV scares the shit out of you, you're free to seek out HIV-negative partners.
On to your questions: If you have that affair, not only should you tell her about the “other man,” but you better sit your lover's ass down and tell him about the “other woman.” Until you guys are on an honest footing with each other — about your “needs,” and his jealousy — your relationship is a ticking time bomb. Is it obnoxious to request a 15-minute HIV test from a prospective one-night stand? I think so.
Hey, Faggot: I'm 31 and teach college math. I don't have an easy time meeting people because of the long hours I put in. I suppose I'd be considered trendy: wear black, long hair, motorcycle, thin, blah blah blah. There are a couple of students that I think are interested in me this quarter — THEY ARE CURRENTLY MY STUDENTS. One woman has my home phone number and has called me several times. We've talked for about 45 minutes each time. And not about math — more personal stuff. The other woman lives in my apartment building and stopped by Saturday for about two hours. Question: Do you think it would give them the creeps for their professor to ask them out after the quarter is over?
Hey, CG: C'mon, CG: One girl initiates long phone conversations about your personal life, the other drops by for no reason — in their cute little undergrad way, each of these girls has already asked you out. If you're interested in avoiding the appearance of impropriety, you should wait till the end of the quarter before returning the favor and asking one or the other or both of them out.
Hey, Everybody: Here's two more letters from amputees regarding their feelings about amputee fetishism.
Hey, Faggot: Five years ago, I was hit by a car while riding a motorcycle. My left leg was completely mangled and had to be amputated just above the knee. I was lucky: My boyfriend died in the accident. He wasn't wearing a helmet.
I've been approached by men into my stump three times since the accident. The first time a guy asked me about it, I had been out of the hospital for less than a week. All I can say is that their interest in my missing leg made me feel like shit — it brought the whole accident back to me, and I just wanted to die. After the first time it happened, I went straight home and threw up.
What AMP Fan and others like him need to understand is that the loss of a limb can be a profoundly traumatic experience. You're not born with a “lost limb,” you lose it, usually in an extremely unpleasant circumstance. Is there anything more selfish than looking at someone's stump and only being able to think about your dick? My stump is not a “sex toy,” it's not an aphrodisiac. It's a physical and emotional scar.
Leave Me Alone
Hey, Faggot: I'm a 57-year-old straight white male, amputee 42 years, and I run an amputee support group. I'm amp-neutral myself and have no particular approach-avoidance behavior. I have been approached a few times by men interested in my stump, over the years. Once I went behind the stacks in the S.F. Public Library to let a guy feel my stump, 'cause he wanted it so bad and I felt like a woman with some guy drooling all over her, and therefore thought it might be an interesting experience. It was, however, simply a curious experience, and I didn't get off on it. It did kinda “creep me out.”
I have had a fantasy of fucking a woman with my stump and, in fact, recently met some women who are interested. As a happily married man, my wife will probably not approve, and that is as far as it goes. A couple of men have come to the amp group feigning some amp interest, and I had to ask them not to come back. I have no objection to any particular consensual activity between consenting adults, but I cannot allow this creepy vibe in the group.
Bill Spivey LCSW
Confidential to Penny Pusher: Tell him you're not interested in pursuing things any further, have your phone number changed, move, and buy a gun. If he still insists on bothering you, shoot him.
Confidential to Way Too Soon: Who says you have to fuck her with your dick? You've got hands, you've got fingers, you've got a tongue. If you come right away, go at her with something else until you can get it back up. And since second comings take lots longer than first comings, you'll be able to last longer the second time around. Best of luck.
“If one is lucky, a single fantasy can transform a million realities.”
— Maya Angelou