Hey, Everybody: If you haven't bought a box of Girl Scout cookies this year, I suggest you pick up a few boxes of Tagalongs Peanut Butter Patties pronto — these boxes are sure to be collectors' items one day. Pictured on the front of the box are two Girl Scouts up to their chins in water, nose to nose, looking deep into each other's eyes. “Go for it!” is written above their heads. I ¤ subtle and subversive homoeroticism, and despite the braces one of the girls has in her mouth — sure to get in the way of any late-night “going for it” back at the cabin — this photo qualifies as teenage lesbian erotica in my book.
If unsubtle homoeroticism is more to your liking, you need only flip over the box, where the text reads: “I just love water sports! Our teachers are complete pros! Jamilia and I actually synchronized our strokes …” [My italics.] Okay, let's stop and examine the first three lines: The Girl Scouts pictured on the box are only shown swimming — no one is shown on water-skis, playing water polo or snorkeling. Swimming isn't water sports, plural, it is a water sport, singular. So why doesn't the copy read, “I just love swimming!” Why “water sports”? “Pro” is slang for prostitute, and “strokes,” well “strokes” has a vaguely sexual vibe.
Now the appearance of water sports, pros and strokes on the back of a Girl Scout cookie box could be a completely innocent coincidence, but, ladies and gentleman of the jury, I submit to you line four from the copy on the back of the Tagalongs Peanut Butter Patties box: “We did the whole length of the pool on our backs.” On Our Backs, as any dyke worth her strap-on can tell you, is the grandmammy of lesbian porno magazines — this month's issue features lesbian nuns. Not interviews with members of the lesbian nun community, not an article about lesbianism in medieval convents — but big, glossy, black-and-white photos of two humpy young women in habits munching each other's cookies. (I'm guessing these girls aren't really nuns — unless genital piercings were recently approved by Rome.)
“Go for it!” “Water sports.” “Pros.” “Strokes.” “On our backs.” Someone, some deep-cover operative of the International Homosexual Conspiracy (IHC), has clearly infiltrated whatever agency designs Girl Scout cookie boxes. Like the IHC plant who designed Mattel's Earring Magic Ken — Ken came complete with a cockring on a chain around his neck — the Girl Scout operative succeeded in slipping a completely queer product past his or her completely clueless hetero supervisors, shaking the heterosexual dictatorship and striking a blow for lesbian visibility. When Mattel realized they'd been had, Cockring Magic Ken was quickly pulled off the shelves, and Mattel's press spokesperson denied they were in the business of “putting cockrings into the hands of little girls.” The Girl Scouts, once they realize what's actually going on in that pool pictured on the back of the peanut butter cookie box, will probably do the same. Get a box of Tagalongs while you still can.
Hey, Faggot: Well, you asked for it: I'm a hetero male who enjoys sucking his own dick. I came home one night very drunk, horny and alone. I started a consolatory wank, when I flashed on a story I had read of a well-hung man who liked to suck himself off. My body is flexible from years of yoga and I thought I'd give it a try. The result was fantastic. Apart from the less-than-pleasant taste of semen, I'd never had a better blowjob in my life. This is not a practice I perform often. I have a normal sex life and truly enjoy the pleasure I've had with women. In no way do I consider myself gay, but I know the pleasure of having a live cock in my mouth. I fantasize about giving another man head, but I don't really fit into the gay lifestyle. I must admit, I'm clueless and confused as far as asking a man if I can go down on him. I guess I'd like the best of both worlds. Any suggestions?
Hey, J.H.: The direct approach is always the best approach — that's my motto. Just march up to the next straight guy who strikes your fancy, and tell him what you told all of us: “Hey there, buddy. Now, look: In no way do I consider myself gay, but I would very much like to suck your dick. How's about it?” He's no likelier to fall for your in-no-way-do-I-consider-myself-gay line of shit than I did, but I'll betcha you wind up with something in your mouth — definitely your foot, maybe his fist or, if you're very lucky, his cock.
Best of luck, Straight Boy.
Hey, Faggot: As a straight guy who, in the past, has had the experience of sucking my own penis, I thought I would drop you a line as requested. Since some readers (and possibly yourself, Dan) might want tips on how to do this, I'll tell you as much as I know. Balance upside down on your shoulders, head and neck, with your legs bent over your head as far as possible. Chances are your mouth won't reach your genitals at all at first, and this is probably enough to discourage most guys from giving it a second try. But if you stay in this position for a while, you eventually stretch until you can get your penis about half way into your mouth. This whole process can hurt quite a bit, but I think you will find you forget about the pain once you get your dick in your mouth.
Hey, Faggot: I hate to be a wet blanket, but I've got to point out that sucking your own dick can be dangerous. I know. I put myself in the hospital by doing it — or I should say, by trying to do it. There were warning signs that it wasn't a good idea — cricks in the neck and shooting pains — but I was young and horny and alone and I figured they'd pass. They didn't. I finally pulled and snapped some spinal connections. I'll spare you the details. Suffice it to say that I was immobilized, in pain and in the hospital for a week, followed by a long recuperation, physical therapy and to this day, years later, there's still occasionally pain in my neck and shoulders. Painful experience has taught me that unless you're uncommonly well endowed, it's best to get out and find someone to suck your dick for you. I love your column. Please keep reminding people to be safe sexually, especially the young, horny and inexperienced. In the back of my mind I keep thinking that this AIDS plague is going to be over soon, like the way the Vietnam War or the Reagan era eventually ended. But it doesn't look like it's going to be that way. It's a fucking global pandemic and new kids are becoming sexually active all the time, and they're just as dumb as I once was. They've got to be warned, and they've got to be reminded.
A Regular Reader
Hey, R.R.: I don't need to remind the kids to stay safe this week, cuz you did it for me. Thanks for writing.
Hey, readers: Dan wants to take the word “faggot” back from the bigots. But it's still explosive if you use it as a hate epithet, you're a creep and should be reported to CUAV (333-HELP) or GLAAD/SFBA (861-4588). Got problems? Oh yes you do. Write: Savage Love, c/o SF Weekly, 425 Brannan, San Francisco,