Savage Love

Hey, Faggot: From 19-ish until my vasectomy at age 28, my penis — fully engorged — measured an enjoyable 6 1/4 inches long by about 4 1/2 inches in girth. As the years have passed — I'm 35 now — I've kept an on and off record of his development, and he now maxes out at about 5 inches around by just under 8 inches in length. I'm also 2 inches taller than I was “way back then,” for what's that worth.

Is there a connection between my snippage and my growth spurt? Has the reabsorption of sperm/testosterone/whatever affected my maleness, so to speak, or is this just a coincidence?

My babe and I are both curious as to whether it's a phenomenon that's likely to continue. Will I be unmanageable by the time I'm 50? Our fit is already quite snug, so we're both concerned that it just might be too much of a good thing.

Grown & Growner
Hey, GG: A little Testes 101: Each of your testicles is like a little factory housing two little workshops. One workshop manufactures testosterone, the other assembles spermatozoa. Testosterone is necessary “for the development and maintenance of secondary sexual characteristics,” i.e. hairy chests, booming voices, the ability to find humor in flatulence.

To pursue our industrial metaphor, testosterone is manufactured for domestic consumption: It is released directly into the bloodstream. Sperm, on the other hand, is an export. After being mixed with a neighboring factory's product, seminal fluid, your sperms are shipped out, sold overseas, goodbye, hasta la vista, babies.

Now, why do you need two testes if both manufacture the same products? Well, you don't really. But in case you lose a testicle — in case one moves operations to Mexico where labor is cheaper — NAFTA (Nature's Additional Free Testicle Arrangement) provides you with a spare.

When you got your vasectomy, the doctor snipped the little tubes (vas deferens) that carry your sperms out of your testes and up to the seminal fluid packaging plant (prostate gland). Since testosterone doesn't travel in the vas deferens, since it just oozes out of your testes and into your bloodstream, without benefit of fancy packaging (seminal fluid), or big promotional campaigns (sex), getting your tubes snipped doesn't result in greater amounts of testosterone finding its way into your system.

And, you know what? Even if you did begin producing more testosterone for some reason, it wouldn't impact the height or the length of your various appendages: It ain't a growth hormone. So your late-in-life growth spurt — 2 inches here, an inch there — had nothing whatever to do with your vasectomy. No need to stress about that snug fit: If you've stopped growing taller, odds are you'll get no longer.

Hey, Faggot: My letter concerns lice. Pubic lice to be exact. Now, I've tried the pesticide shampoo, followed by a thorough cleaning of the house and all clothing items. But they won't go away. So, fill me in: Will I never be rid of them? I'm hesitant to run off meeting people sexually because it would be rude to just let everyone get them — not that I fuck everyone.

Party in My Pants
Hey, PIMP: Gamma benzine hexachloride, the bug-killing pesticide in Kwell shampoo, properly used should take care of your wee boarders. So, if you're having trouble post-dose, you're either getting reinfected (your sheets? your sofa? your sex club?) or maybe you don't have pubic lice at all — maybe you have scabies.

Symptomwise scabies are pretty much identical to pubic lice, so people who've had pubic lice in the past, or who seek the advice of friends who've had pubic lice in the past, often mistake scabies for lice and drag out the Kwell shampoo — the stuff that did the trick three years ago. But scabies are much harder to get rid of than pubic lice.

To rid yourself of a burgeoning scabies community you need Kwell lotion: Smear a thick layer on, let it dry, and leave it on overnight. Wait two weeks and do it again. Pubic lice, you see, are sniveling little weaklings that live on your skin — so a shower will do the trick. But scabies are hardy little motherfuckers that lay eggs in your skin. An overnight Kwelling kills the scabies crawling around on top, but it won't kill their eggs — they'll hatch even after dosing yourself with Kwell. The trick is to catch newly hatched scabie-babies with a second application before they have a chance to lay eggs of their own.

Hey, Faggot: I want bondage, switch S/M, hugging and kissing, vanilla missionary. But I'm still trying to find someone I really want to do it with. She has to intrigue me. In 40 years I've had a few lovers, but no one who really turns my crank.

So I meet this woman who's off the scale, 10 times better than anyone who's ever given me the time of day. Terrific body, very smart, bewitching face, has a good job. She also keeps her word, a rare quality in the dating scene. On our second date I found out she wants two kids. I don't want kids. I want kinky sex and interesting conversation with somebody just like her for the next 40 years. I told her I don't want kids. We went on to other topics, and when we said good night we embraced. It's easy to see where three or four dates would lead. I have no idea if I could interest her in S/M, and I'm pretty sure she's doesn't know what it is.

Should I keep seeing her, hoping she changes her mind about kids, hoping to eventually interest her in S/M, allowing her to hope that I will change my mind about kids, and see who blinks? It doesn't sound like love, it sounds like the Cuban Missile Crisis.

Hey, K: People interested in S/M sex have two options: Search among the kinky for someone who turns your crank — hang out in leather bars, place explicit personal ads, go to fetish parties, join S/M discussion groups, etc. If you meet someone you're attracted to, and she's attracted back, well then ain't life grand? You know you're sexually compatible from the get-go, and you can move on to discovering whether you're emotionally compatible.

Your other option is dating “normal” people and, once the relationship is off the ground, attempting to interest them in S/M sex. Option 2 is essentially the reverse of Option 1: Emotional compatibility is established before sexual compatibility.

Personally, I favor Option 1. But you've stumbled into an Option 2 situation, so what to do? Don't waste her time: Tell her about your sexual interests, tell her you don't want to have children. Don't be embarrassed, don't be ashamed. If she can't deal, she'll walk. Since neither of you have much invested in this “relationship” — what's two dates? — you'll both recover in pretty short order. Then start looking for kinky girls where the kinky girls are. Good luck.

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