Slap Shots

Red Lipstick and Broken Promises
Part of what makes a successful “vintage” nightclub is creating an ambiance where patrons can feel secure knowing their stool has no odor whatsoever. There are more tactful words to use, but that's basically the gist of it. If an atmosphere of “hipness” is manufactured correctly, there are enough little sheep with perfect vintage cigarette cases and carefully manicured sideburns to make the theatrical experience all worthwhile. Everyone plays their assigned roles and the curtain falls each night at 2 am in a boozy haze of red lipstick and broken promises.I admit, I'm a sucker for some of the vintage live music around town. Play any song by '40s novelty crooner Little Jimmy Dickens and I'll fall to my knees weeping. If you desire the complete scene — sideburns, cigarette cases and uncomfortable furniture included — one of the best joints has been Ace CafŽ. Co-owner Adam Fisher was involved in an unfortunate car accident, and to help pay medical bills, Ron Gompertz of Heyday Records is releasing Pushing the Norton, a CD of “alternative vintage” music from local acts who have played the Ace over the years. Featured musicians include the Loved Ones, Big Sandy and His Fly-Rite Boys, St. Vitus Dance, Ron Silva and the Monarchs and many others. If you have no patience for the Caucasian sideburn scene, at least check out the CD: It's the best thing Heyday has ever done. And for those craving a dress-up night, the record-release party/benefit takes place at the DNA Lounge on Thurs, March 2, 9 pm, and features many performers from the album.Which brings us to the DNA. There seems to be a nightclub-renewal trend sweeping the South of Market. Well, two clubs, anyway. DNA just reopened with new owners and fresh paint, and 330 Ritch relaunched recently with jazz and fancy food. No idea what it means, except that when carloads of stonewashed yahoos come barreling across the bridge on the weekends to witness the genius of Bud E. Luv, there's someplace else to hide.

Bet You Can't Eat Just One F
or the past few months, Bay Area insomniacs have been blessed with yet another television talk show, a locally produced program aimed at — God bless 'em — those irrepressible “Gen Xers,” and hosted by a perky young woman named Paget. Depending on which rumor you believe, Paget formerly was either a temp worker or a bartender at the Elbo Room, the Slow Club, the Oasis and the Drunk Tank. The show is receiving moderate attention, even at its ungodly hour (Tues-Sat, 1:30 am), for recent shows on phone pranksters and eating dis-orders, two staples of the irrepressible “Gen Xer” diet. Unfortunately, a slight faux pas occurred backstage during a Paget program on bulimia. Guests waiting to be interviewed about their experiences with eating disorders were reportedly treated to a snack bowl of greasy potato chips.

Astonishing Secret Revealed!
An alert Harvard University public-health research team recently completed a comprehensive study of college-campus alcohol consumption, and the results are absolutely astonishing: College kids drink a lot. Is everybody sitting down? Here comes the clincher — especially fraternities and sororities! America can now breathe a sigh of relief knowing proper documentation exists that proves the unholy union of higher education and fermented intoxicants. For hundreds of years, rumors have circulated of alcohol use at our nation's universities, often in conjunction with mascot theft. Proof at last! The thankful parent gives a knowing nod,and the Harvard research team sets down the clipboard. Well done, lads!

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