Welcome to MySpace, Whoever You Are

This year, it's all about You, so put Yourself out there

We're all about You here at SF Weekly. Yes, You. Time magazine named You “Person of the Year,” Spin lauded You as “Artist of the Year,” hell, even AdAge jumped in to name You, somewhat improbably, “Ad Agency of the Year.” And we couldn't be prouder of You, really (even though some of us less figurative types around the office were pulling for Stephen Colbert to take the honors, and a few fogies had their money on dark horse “Thee” to win big.)

We know You earned it, since in 2006 Your generation of personal digital output made it laughably easy to stalk You. To wit: Your weekly podcast of vintage French pop tunes had us le charmed all year; Your clever musings about Your charged yet harmless flirtation with that cute guy who works in Accounts Payable had us riveted to our screens since we discovered Your blogspot address; and the endless parade of YouTube clips You posted of Your cat Mr. Winky eating, sleeping, and doing that funny kneading thing that cats do after they've eaten but before they sleep was endlessly diverting. If it hadn't been for Your Wikipedia postings on antique cutlery and the discography of Big Country, our prize-winning article on the importance of pocket flagons to the Scottish Nationalism movement would never have happened. So thank You.

But mostly, we just spent the year obsessively reading Your MySpace page. We were so happy for You when You finally switched Your relationship status to “single” two months after Your devastating breakup with Sandi (You're much better off without that slag, and anyway, how annoying was it to hear “Big Country” every time You opened her MySpace profile, which, in our case, was several times a day?). We were totally psyched when You discovered the Incredible String Band and added them to Your favorite band list (it makes You look so indie-record-collector cool, even though we know You removed Destiny's Child to make room for “The Hangman's Beautiful Daughter”). We loved your charmingly ironic choice of “not sure” for Your sexual orientation status, even though, as evidenced by Your voluminous Flickr photo albums of Sandi's naked glory, we know You are a tit man through and through.

How can we ever thank You for the vicarious entertainment You've provided all year?

Well, one good MySpace stalking turn deserves another. Until “Guy Who Respects Others' Privacy” becomes Person of the Year, You'll just have to contend with many, many people quietly judging You based on Your MySpace profile. We say make it work for You.

Who are You looking to impress in 2007? Here's SF Weekly's handy guide to selectively making Yourself appealing to any variety of Web 2.0 stalker.

Mission District Hipster

Blogging topics: John Dwyer Is a Fox; Track Bikes Are So Last Year; Why Are There So Many Normal People in the Hemlock on Weekends Now?

Important people to have in Your Top 8: Sun Ra; Penny-Ante magazine

Favorite bands: Incredible String Band; Indian Jewelry; Excepter

Television: Oh, please. You don't even have a TV.

Ironic yet attractive photo to post: You mooning Critical Mass

Marina Finance Industrialist

Blogging topics: Gee, the Hemlock Is a Cool Bar

Important people to have in Your Top 8: Your Audi dealer; Sigma Chi, Class of '94

Favorite books: 7×7 magazine

Heroes: Aleksey Vayner

Ironic yet attractive photo to post: Irony is lost on these folks; stick with You in a drapey tank top, slumming it on Mission Street at Medjool

Castro Homo

Blogging topics: Recent Craigslist M4M Posting “hairy stocky dude looking to get ball's licked” improper punctuation and all; Why Are There So Many Normal People at the Transfer on Weekends Now?

Important people to have in Your Top 8: Peaches Christ; Gavin Newsom

Television: Intervention on A&E

Heroes: Edith Bouvier Beale

Ironic yet attractive photo to post: You onstage at Aunt Charlie's; You with your shirt off (non-ironic)


Blogging topics: The Proximity Sensor on My iPhone Keypad Is Perhaps Overly Sensitive, But I Like That It Runs on VoIP Software; SWM Seeks OS X Enthusiast for Chaste, Respectful Affair; The Transfer Is Cool!

Favorite bands: Any blog band that can propel a lonely geek into grandiose emotional territory: Midlake; Tapes 'n Tapes; Clap Your Hands Say Yeah; Anathello

Important people to have in your Top 8: Linus Torvalds; Tawny Peaks

Favorite books: Everything by Philip K. Dick

Ironic yet attractive photo to post: You in front of your Webcam at 12:45 a.m.

New Ager

Blogging topics: Esalen Institute Totally Changed My Life!!; Mercury in Retrograde Totally Changed My Life!!; Cafe Gratitude Totally Changed My Life!!

Important people to have in Your Top 8: Starhawk, Mike Roselle

Favorite bands: Animal Liberation Orchestra; Beyonce

Heroes: Woody Harrelson; Your Landmark Forum instructor

Good luck, You. Remember, it's Your year.

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